HI - Retrouville was also a turning point in my M. I can agree with a lot of what Heartbroken has written. My H received a love note from OW on the day we left for Retrouvaille. I don't know if she knew we were going or not, but her note to my H basically said if we can't be together here on earth, our hearts are sure to be joined in the after life. (psycho)
Anyway, I think Retrouvaille had a larger impact on my H than it did for me. Part of that is because of my mind-set when we went into it. I certainly was under the impression that it would have an affect on our M and was convinced that H needed it. In reality, we both did. If I had gone into it more focused on me, rather than H, it would have been more beneficial for me. We also attended the post sessions and I cannot say enough good about the program. It works and it makes a difference with how you communicate with everyone, not just your spouse.
Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Thanks Hopeforfuture, Sara, Heartbroken and Ediemarie, for contributing your personal experiences here - it is all so very encouraging.
My W and I attended a Catholic Engagement Encounter weekend over 20 years ago which spanned a similar Friday-night-to-Sunday-afternoon format as Retrouvaille.
At Thanksgiving this year when I was visiting my father's house in Florida, I was looking through photos and papers in my old dresser drawers, and I was surprised to come across the two spiral-bound notebooks in which my wife and I wrote our responses to the Engagement Encounter discussion questions. Our handwritten name tags were still adhered to the cardboard notebook covers.
We had each written responses to each other's writings, and there were so many complementary expressions of love and admiration of each other's qualities, that I was stunned...
I spoke outloud: "Why?!"
Why - did we not take these with us in our move to New England 20 years ago?
Why - did we not value these written communications to each other enough to pack them with mundane belongings that we did move with us?
Why - did we not choose to revisit these lines of written expression over the years to stay in contact with the understandings we had forged?
I suppose I felt that there was no doubt that my soulmate and I would be living happily ever after, and that these were just the beginning of many love-affirming lines we would be writing to each other. (which was true for 19 years)
If I could participate in Retrouvaille this April, even if my W ends up choosing a divorce, I believe I would be at more peace knowing that I did try to reach out in improving in communication and expressing my feelings to the love of my life.
And I would have two bookends: Engagement Encounter 1987 to Retrouvaille 2008 - writings with 20 years of life experiences held between the notebooks.
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Sorry to jump in but I would love to hear more about Retrouvaille. I'm not very blog-savvy, but I have a thread called CONTACTING OW/OW'S HUSBAND and am wondering if you could give it a look and tell me what you think. I am hoping that my H is ready to do something positive and it sounds from what you've written that you think Retrouvaille was a worthwhile experience. Any thoughts on my thread would be greatly appreciated.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
OK - this coming Monday, I have another mediation meeting with my Wife. I would like to utilize the positive atmosphere that our mediator can establish, to ask W to attend the April 11 - 13 Boston area Retrouvaille with me.
Prior to the September Retrovaille, even though I emphasized the benefits of improving communications for both of us, she still said "she did not feel it would be a positve experience for her".
Can anyone who has attended Retrouvaille, think of a way to convince a WAS, who is a major conflict avoider, that Retrouvaille is not a Catholic inquisition to inflict guilt upon the wayward spouse, and that the weekend could actually be a positive experience for her?
I was thinking I would promise to not dwell on the past year and a half, and say we can focus on ways to improve our communication in the now, so we can remain friends during and after D? (even though I DO NOT want to divorce).
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thank you very much,
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
The story about your engagement encounter notebooks is perfect! The whole story, the bookends analogy, just beautiful. Of course it's the same thing. You will each get a notebook at the beginning of the weekend, and you will write letters to each other about your feelings. You will also sit in a conference room and listen to 3 presenting couples talk about their marriages, and their difficult times, and how they healed their marriages.
I don't know how religious the engagement weekend was. Retrouvaille is not very religious, and those parts that are religious are generic Christian, not specifically Catholic. As I've said before, I'm Jewish, and it didn't bother me. It was not more religious than hearing the Lord's Prayer in a public place. On the other hand, for those wanting a deeper religious experience, the priest is there and will meet with couples separately if the so desire.
Good luck, LG. I know the weekend would help your marriage. You and your wife are obviously stuck in a communication problem.
LG, Sara is our #1 advocate for Retro! Also, visit piecing. Specifically the Somewhere over the rainbow thread by Husband. Another member, HopeForFuture, also did Retro. It was successful for him, too. But I mention it because his W was not too keen on going if I remember correctly. He doesn't really have his own thread, but he has posted to Husband in the last couple of days.
Where do I find out about this program, the closest to me, dates and things like that? I am also wondering..my H and I both work on the weekends some plus we have a baby. What if I can not make it so all the follow up classes?? I am interested in going and I think my H probably would go I just need to gather more info before I approach him.
Hi - I found my information at http://www.retrouvaille.org The follow up weekends vary from place to place. Our follow up sessions occured on Friday night, but Limbo (who also posts on Piecing) had hers on Saturday afternoons - it just all depends on the area you live.
Good luck! Em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
