Lan.....listen to me, sweetie. You don't understand. The party at work and the party with your family and relatives is completely different! I told you, I have been in her shoes and I am telling you that the "in-law" suddenly becomes the "out-law"! At least that is how she feels right now. This is your great-niece....not hers. It is your family....not hers. I know, I know, when she married you, she married your family...well, that's what some think, but believe you me when that in-law (she) walks away from the family (you) she becomes the out-law and she knows it. Give it time, Lan. And don't be so immature that you start playing those games....tit for tat. B/c they don't pay off and your M will be back on the rocks worse than before. I know you were just letting off steam and I am counting on you to be the man I believe you are and swallow this disappointment and give her what she has asked for this time. It is another type of "space" that she needs. It will be very important for you to go with her to her party. Why? What's the difference? B/c you are showing her support by going with her to her company party. No relatives and emotional ties involved. The other party was all about you and your relatives. You may ask, "well, isn't this company party about her and her co-workers?" It isn't the same. Family is not included here....big, big difference. She feels she will be judged by your family and you won't be judged by her co-workers. She knew she would feel like an outcast in your family.....even though you don't agree and just know your family would not treat her any different.....if I may just inject this...neither did my H think that about his family...but they did, sweetie, and it hurt like hell. So, don't do that to her. You may even feel a little uncomfortalbe at her company's party or around her co-workers and friends, but hey, you are the man here, right? Right! We females are helpless little creatures and you men have big stones!

So now, don't treat her any differently since she isn't going with you. Please don't pout or sull up or any of those things you men do that we women just hate! If you want to gain some valuable ground with your W and in your M, be just as sweet and nice and supportive as if she had been there with you at the party all the time. And....this is important, let her know now that you plan to attend her party with her. Don't keep her waiting for your answer and dont' you dare throw it up into her face that you will go with her even though she isn't going with you! (Now you know, I'm just playing "Mamma" here with ya! I know you wouldn't do that!)

I truly believe it will make a huge difference. Plus, by telling her now that you have thought it over and you will go with her to her party and that you don't expect her to feel that she has to "trade-off" by going with you to the family party.....she will begin to look forward to that and be in a good mood and happy (which is good for everyone) and she will relax about the family party stuff. Who knows, she may even change her mind after you do that....but don't hold your breath in case she doesn't, b/c I don't think she will...this time around. It is too soon for her, but there will be other family functions. There will be a time after the M is stronger that she must attend with you and that is the time that you must be the man of steel, but this time is the time to be the man of velvet. Don't throw around any warnings or threats.....just do what you need to do and be the man you need to be. This is not whimping out! This is proving your love and patience.

BTW, be sure to defend her if any of your relatives should say anything negative about why she did not attend the party. That is so important that they know you stand behind her (even if you do feel like kicking her all the way there). When you return home and if she asks about it, just tell her everyone missed her and asked how she was doing....or something nice to say. Don't allow her to "trap" you into telling something negative...if there was something. If there was some negative stuff said, just get busy doing something else with her to get her mind off of it. You might even have something planned in advance (lol).

Glad you are coming here to vent to us instead of her.

Take care.

Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!