You are right -- sometimes the signals don't add up -- in my sitch I spied to find out what H was hiding.
My C says that's a really low thing to do. But I felt incredible relief when I knew what was going on -- even though it also made me ill.
When the O-chick was on the scene, my H got mean. I knew it. I just knew something wasn't right.
Maybe because we're so bonded with them, or maybe we're intuitive -- or maybe because humans look for motives and there are only so many cards in the motive deck -- but we want to know why.
The mind wants to know why, and will speculate.
Why the flip-flops? Why the mean behavior? Why can't we work things out like we used to? Why why why?
(Not that knowing takes away the pain. Everyone says snooping hurts mostly YOU.)
Before I knew about the O-chick, when H got hostile and distant, I tried and tried to make things better. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry I was so (fill in the blank) -- I didn't know it bothered you so much, I'll work on it."
(You want lingerie? You want amusement? Here goes...)
Oh, I see, that's not it -- it's my driving?
I can navigate better in the car. Wait, no, that's not it either? I see, it's the way I answer the phone that's so galling you have to leave home.
See, you can't really trust their words when they're in their altered state.
Which is crazy-making.
Which is why at first DB-ing seems infuriating. It's so NOT FAIR to turn the other cheek in order to get to the heart of matters. It's so NOT FAIR to be patient and suffer slings and arrows.
But on the up-side (and I hate to admit there is one) we have built so much character that we can now star in any production, on any continent, with any leading lady or man -- we're big box office.
We've worked on our flaws. We've become deliberately kind -- in the face of grotesque horn-headed monsters. We have developed and learned and reached out to others to help them learn, too.
We're awesome. We've done good work. (I know I am not only a better driver & more polite on the phone but I'm less angry and demanding, to boot.)
What is a shame is that even though we are the rock stars we are, we feel so insecure.
Self-esteem is eroded in an atmosphere of criticism, rejection and stress. Everyone needs boosting and applause upon occasion. That's one reason we marry -- to give and take support.
I feel so sad that you are not getting your cheerleading, KAW. You're a good guy, and when you hurt, you should have kindness and reassurance. We all need this. And we're all feeling the loss of this from our (in my case former) partners.
I know it's going to take me some time to heal from the dissing my H pitched my way.
It alarms me when I feel puny, worthless, bedraggled, dried-out and over-with. But I bounce back better. I don't go to him for love anymore. He's not a source of it for me.
Sigh.
We can't let the grimness get out of hand, so good work stopping the downward spiral, KAW.
What you wrote me on my thread -- RIGHT BACK AT YA!
You will be self-doubting but that's because you are nice. She is mean not because of how you trim your fingernails but because she's a mess and doens't have the skills you have and is confused right now.
I think we need to let the pool still, the water clear, for these confused spouses of ours.
Sigh again.
You have many skills, and much character, and you get to choose how long you'll put up with this situation. You will hurt, but you will heal. You're a winner.
Vent here. Sharing the fear shines a light on it and shrinks it. We just can't let it get out of hand, or start believing "what they say" or how they act toward us.
But don't let her -- her MLC -- her immaturity -- kill your spirit.
Turn to something more positive. And dance.
I'm thinking 180 for ya here -- can you leave town on a four-day weekend road trip with your CD collection and no particular destination except maybe the beach?
Did wonders for me.
(Hey, KAW, I got beach. Up for a couple-thousand-mile drive?)
Make that lady wonder where you are!
These are just my speculations, take with a "train" of salt, my friend.
I do understand where you are at, and I commend you and support you.
(And I'm grateful for your always thoughtful words to me, thanks so much.)
