Not sure how to handle this

[mishka422]

H has run like a scared rabbit again. We met with the marriage mentors from church this morning and he sat there with his arms crossed not being receptive at all. Something he said to them kept sticking in my craw all afternoon and I finally had to ask him about it. That led to all sorts of anger being brought to the surface and we basically blew up at each other. I told him I was tired of being treated like a second class citizen in my own home and being disrespected by him. He told me he doesn't WANT to work on our M. He is done. He regrets coming home and I told him I regretted letting him back in because all I did was open myself up to be destroyed again.

I told him he had to tell our son he was leaving again. He took him into our room and wanted to tell him without me there. I told him there was no way, I was staying. He didn't like that at all but that was just too bad. This is our child and I won't have him telling him crap that isn't true. I couldn't believe what he said to him! There was no mention of this having nothing to do with H's feelings for our son, there was no telling our son that he will always love him no matter what happened between us, etc.. No, he flat out said, "I don't love your mom anymore.", "I have to do this for me because I'm not happy here.", "I'm leaving today and never coming back."

Do you see how many I statements there are there? I, I, I, I.....selfish, selfish, selfish. To heck with having any consideration for anyone else that he has responsibilities and commitments to. He really thinks that love is a feeling. Love is not a feeling, it's a choice. You either choose to love or you choose to have a hard heart and be a narcicisstic prick! Gee, which one did he pick?

As you can see I'm extremely angry right now but I am just so done with him dumping on me. I had just started to get to a really good place for me and now I have to start over on all of that. I guess the beginning of the journey won't be as hard since I've done the work once already. I'm just so tired of it.

Back to the drawing board as far as my life. I have to find another career (mine pays NOTHING), get medical insurance I can afford (yeah, right!), and find another part time job (to try to make ends meet). YIKE! That list is a little overwhelming.

I think I'll pick the smallest one and start there. Wish me luck.