Not sure how to handle this

[Starshyne]

My H does talk about his emotions a little bit. He says that he isn't sure if he can see us married or not. Sometimes he sees himself single and other times he doesn't. He says that he doesn't feel connected to me because he is no longer sexually attracted to me. But really a lot of his emotions have seemed to be turned off. My H is very unhappy with his job situation as well and I know that is a big part of his issues.

The fact that your H wants to seek outside help is a really big deal! I wish my H would take that step. He needs to talk to someone about the issues he is facing within himself, but he just doesn't think it will help him any.

[sandi2]

Talking about having MC along with IC.......if the two C has the same solution based ideas, then I think it would work. However, if the IC is telling your H he is not happy b/c of his M.....and the MC is trying to help you two resloved the problem and work things out....that will really cause confusion for your H. I would be very, very careful who to choose for IC. If they are just a "counselor" it is too easy for them to place the blame for the H's unhappiness on you. If it is a physchiatrist or a phychologist......somebody that really knows their business, then I would feel safer about it. Might want to check their credentials. Just my POV.

Does the department provide any of these services for the police officers?

[mishka422]

The department does have a staff psychologist but H doesn't like him. He thinks he's an arrogant a$$ who just talks to hear his own voice. He's also concerned that even though the talks are confidential there still could be some sort of backlash if he said something that made the psychologist diagnose him as depressed. That could put him in a desk job for heavens only knows how long and destroy his career.

I understand his fears about that but he also knows he needs the help. I can't ask him if he called any of the counselors today, I can't ask him anything. I have this man in my bed who doesn't communicate with me in any meaningful way but tells me that our M is coming apart because we don't communicate. Excuse me? What the heck am I supposed to do. I can't tell him anything about the way I feel because he will run scared and he won't tell me anything that he is feeling unless I ask him specifically but I'm not supposed to do that either.

I'm so confused! Now I'm scared to death to pursue any kind of counseling for us. I don't want him to be more confused.

I'm going to pray and sleep on it and hope to feel better about things in the morning.

[mishka422]

I am going to have a heart attack, I swear! H has been so distant since Sunday. Friday and Saturday were really good. He was very affectionate and truly wanted to be home. Sunday he pulled away and stopped communicating again and has stayed that way ever since.

We had lunch together today and I told him I had talked to the marriage mentor leaders at the church and we could meet with them tomorrow morning at 10am if he wanted to. He said he would and then added that he has an appt with counselor on 25MAR. Why they couldn't get him in before that I don't know! He asked me how I felt it was going since he had been home. I told him I felt it was great the first couple of days but then he slid away from me and I felt him go cold and distant and we needed to work on that. He said he felt the same way. He doesn't know why he changed back to feeling uncomfortable and he doesn't like it, can't explain it, but he really felt like he was obligated to be there. I told him that obligated would mean that someone was forcing him to do something. He said no one was forcing him to do anything and I had been very accommodating and kind. Not pushy at all and he's glad that I seem like I'm truly happy and content with my life after I have been so sullen and "down" for the last few years. I told him about the changes I have made for myself and the realizations about myself that I had come to and he liked hearing it. He said he was glad to see me with a smile on my face. He wishes he had one. I told him I only want him to be happy and at peace within himself.

Overall the talk was good but I left lunch feeling even less at ease because he still says he doesn't know if he can stay and I REALLY can't watch him walk away again right now. It's only been a week for heavens sake! I know I'm a lot stronger now than I was before but seriously he can't do this to our son. It will kill him! He's so thrilled to have him home.

We're taking S13 to the movies tonight and then maybe bowling. We'll see how it goes. I hate feeling like I'm useless and there's nothing I can do to help him. I love him and I don't want his MLC to tear us apart again. He knows OW is not all she was cracked up to be so I don't see him heading back to her but I just can't stand having MY life so up in the air!

[sandi2]

The department does have a staff psychologist but H doesn't like him. He thinks he's an arrogant a$$ who just talks to hear his own voice. He's also concerned that even though the talks are confidential there still could be some sort of backlash if he said something that made the psychologist diagnose him as depressed. That could put him in a desk job for heavens only knows how long and destroy his career.

That is true and I didn't even think about it. So, no, he doesn't need to do that. Maybe he could go to his doctor and get some AD meds to help for a while.

I am concerned about your health b/c you are walking around on egg shells afraid he will bolt and run any second. I think it is all a part of his MLC and the adjusting, etc. Evem though some don't agree that I went through a complete MLC, I went through "something" and I remember thinking some days that I would just take off running and never look back. However, I couldn't do it to my family. I hope he will be the same way toward his.

It is so hard on everyone concerned. My heart goes out to you.
We are here for you whenever you need us.

Sandi

[mishka422]

Thanks Sandi!

He already took of running.....twice. The day after Christmas he moved in with OW and then he came home for 5 whole days 5JAN-10JAN and left again. It was so strained all that time!

I think our talk this afternoon may have helped some (at least helped me). I can't walk around like I'm going to break apart but I think he may have realized that NOT talking to me about how he is feeling was leading both of us to shut down. I was afraid to talk to him because I was sure he was going to take it the wrong way or feel pressured and he wasn't talking to me about how he was feeling because he thought by saying anything to me he would hurt me badly again.

Keep up the good thoughts!

[mishka422]

H has run like a scared rabbit again. We met with the marriage mentors from church this morning and he sat there with his arms crossed not being receptive at all. Something he said to them kept sticking in my craw all afternoon and I finally had to ask him about it. That led to all sorts of anger being brought to the surface and we basically blew up at each other. I told him I was tired of being treated like a second class citizen in my own home and being disrespected by him. He told me he doesn't WANT to work on our M. He is done. He regrets coming home and I told him I regretted letting him back in because all I did was open myself up to be destroyed again.

I told him he had to tell our son he was leaving again. He took him into our room and wanted to tell him without me there. I told him there was no way, I was staying. He didn't like that at all but that was just too bad. This is our child and I won't have him telling him crap that isn't true. I couldn't believe what he said to him! There was no mention of this having nothing to do with H's feelings for our son, there was no telling our son that he will always love him no matter what happened between us, etc.. No, he flat out said, "I don't love your mom anymore.", "I have to do this for me because I'm not happy here.", "I'm leaving today and never coming back."

Do you see how many I statements there are there? I, I, I, I.....selfish, selfish, selfish. To heck with having any consideration for anyone else that he has responsibilities and commitments to. He really thinks that love is a feeling. Love is not a feeling, it's a choice. You either choose to love or you choose to have a hard heart and be a narcicisstic prick! Gee, which one did he pick?

As you can see I'm extremely angry right now but I am just so done with him dumping on me. I had just started to get to a really good place for me and now I have to start over on all of that. I guess the beginning of the journey won't be as hard since I've done the work once already. I'm just so tired of it.

Back to the drawing board as far as my life. I have to find another career (mine pays NOTHING), get medical insurance I can afford (yeah, right!), and find another part time job (to try to make ends meet). YIKE! That list is a little overwhelming.

I think I'll pick the smallest one and start there. Wish me luck.

[Starshyne]

Oh Mishka, I am so sorry about these turn in events. I am sure you are feeling extremely overwhelmed right now. Just take things one moment at a time right now. I will be praying for you and your son.

Sara

[sandi2]

"I'm leaving today and never coming back."

Unbelievable!! Wow, I hardly know what to say. How can a man even in deep MLC or some other emotional problems say that to his son?

Well, I don't think I could blame you for going completely dark and just consentrate on building a life for you and your son. If he gets the help he needs and comes to you wanting back into your life....and you still want to take another chance on him, that would be your call. Your poor little boy must be so crushed beyond words! Did he even say that he would try to see his son sometimes?

I hope you will consider having your child talk to one of the counselors or the pastor of your church about his feelings. He needs to let all of that out and have some guidance and you are too close to him and caught up in the hurt and emotion also. He really needs a professional to help right now so he won't develop some major problems. Wow......what an age for a son to be told his dad isn't coming back again.

So sad. ((((hugs))) for you and your child. May God protect you and give each of you what you need to get you through this terrible ordeal. My heart goes out to you.

Please don't stop talking to us. You need everyone here. You need to talk, scream, cry, pray, or whatever to get this out. Talk to your pastor or counselor too.

I will check on you tomorrow or the next day. Listen to all the good sermons on the TV tomorrow for spiritual encouragement. You need to feed your soul.....even if you don't feel like it right now. You've got to eat physical and spiritual food. Don't get mad at God for what your H has done to you and your son b/c God does not interfer with our volition......we all make our own choices and like you said....love is a choice. You are a strong woman, but you are allowed to be weak in front of God, so He can strengthen you up more.

Sandi

[mishka422]

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm doing ok today. Went to church this morning. It was a beautiful Palm Sunday and we had a special guest musician this morning. He was SUCH a blessing. By the end of his last song the whole church was weeping but feeling SO blessed. It was awesome!

My son is doing really well. He is autistic (Aspberger's Syndrome) so he doesn't process emotions the way most kids his age would. I'm actually thankful for that.

H did tell S13 that he would still take him to karate "and stuff" but made no commitments to anything and I'm not going to ask him to either. I made a schedule for him after the last time he left but I will not do that again for him. He will have to contact me to set up arrangements if he wants to take S13 somewhere otherwise I am going to make our schedule as if he were dead.

Financially, I don't know how I'm going to survive. I knew at some level that H was not really coming home for the reasons he was giving me. I knew he was just faking this out of some warped sense of guilt and it wouldn't last but my own fear of being alone, losing my insurance when I need it most, and not being able to fully provide for my family opened myself back up to him. That was so wrong but I really only have myself to blame. I knew he wouldn't and couldn't change. Something seriously traumatic is going to have to happen before H will believe that he needs a personal relationship with Christ to be happy and content. I will continue to pray for him but I won't hold out any hope for us any longer. I just can't do it, I'm too tired and there are too many things I need to do for my family to survive.