Hurtmom, Don't stop posting ... even if you just use the site for journaling, you'll get some response.
I'm glad you're back home. But sad to hear your H is still in his fog. Keep up your PMA and the GAL. Beyond that, if you reach into the DB book, what else can you do? Think about those cheeseless tunnels ... setting some small goals. I know you were awy for a few weeks but you didn't really go dark on him did you? What about a possible LRT?
Does he know you saw an attorney? (That could work as a LRT.) If he knows you're not going to sit around and wait for him, that may get him off the fence.
Post some ideas ... it's good to get input from others.
Think carefully about what you do that makes a difference and what you do that doesn't make a difference. Don't believe the cr@p about "wanting to be with you," while still living with her. That's obviously stringing you along. He just wants a back up in case OW dumps him and you don't want to be that.... what you want to do is teach him a lesson. That if he's gone, your life goes on and you are going to be one hot mama with or without him. You mentioned the difficulty of creating a new life for yourself with a baby, but if he died tomorrow that's exactly what you'd need to do.
Love your baby. It's a special time, it goes quick and you don't want to miss out on it. Get extra help from parents or in-laws and start connecting with friends and making friends. Go to the gym regularly (helps get those endorphins going).
Don't answer you phone.... and when you do be busy. You have sounded weak and needy in the past and he knows this. Although it's really not wise to date now, you can hint to him little things like.... "Wow, I never realized I was so attractive. Guys must have radar and just KNOW when you're separated or divorced...." Make sure you say this informationally and not in a way that sounds like you are trying to make him jealous. After you lay one of these comments out then quickly change the subject. And if he asks for details just say, "Oh gosh, I'm still legally married, of course I'd never date someone while I'm married. But it's kind of interesting to see what's out there now while I'm separated... " And then change the subject and refuse to say any more about your life.
One of the best peices of advice I recieved was BE MYSTERIOUS!!!!
Be busy, and don't tell him every little thing about your life. In fact, don't tell him anything. Just be a great listener and ask lots of impersonal questions so he enjoys talking with you. Let him confide in you.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
H came over today to see baby. I tried to avoid any R talk but he brought it up a few times. States he has started to break things off with OW because he wants to move back home. I dont know that I believe him at all. Heard the same story many times and he has not changed. H got a little teared up talking about wanting to come home and blah blah blah. I told him I didnt want to talk about it, and left for a while to get out of the house. I cant stand listening to him feed me the same line of crap. I dont want to talk to him about any of this until he has acutally proven to me he has ended it with the OW.
I have been needy in the past and since I got back from vacation that has changed. I did stop telling him what I was doing and with who. I can tell he is curious because he asked me for names of the people I was going to go out with. I told him it was not any of his buisness and that he certainly doesent tell me where he is at all the time, and I dont want to know.
I dont think he has been staying with OW anymore but who knows really, I dont ask and it's better that way. I want to believe what he is telling me but I just cant. For right now I think this is working and he is definately curious so I think I will keep doing the same for now. He tells me all the time that I look good which he never did before. I do see some very very small changes occuring.
H just left for the day, he must think I am so naive!!!!!!!!!!! Asked him to watch our son on a few weekends, he picks all the weekends that OW has to work!! Funny he says he's breaking it off though! It's all so frustrating.
He did ask questions about who I have been hanging out with, I told him " I dont have to tell you" he responded "what's his name" I said the only man in my life is our son!!! I am going out tom. and H is watching our son so should be interesting to see what he says.
I want to have fun around H when he is here, but he always seems to be in such a bad mood. Blames it either on a headache or lack of sleep. What should I do???? I'm trying to just be super nice but it's SOOOOOOO hard!!
Enjoy your time out tomorrow! Don't tell him where you're going. Remember what ROOT said, be mysterious. Look great and be happy. If you're noticing small changes, I think you're right, what you're doing may be working.
It sounds like you're avoiding his R talks. While I don't blame you, perhaps it's your chance to tell him what you need for R? You're having a tough time because you don't trust him at all. So that's one thing you need, you need to start rebuilding trust. If he's serious about coming back, then he needs to end it with OW and be transparent! Have you thought about counseling?
Don't let his bad moods get to you. Perhaps he is looking for a pity party. The happier you are, the more attractive you are. If he says he's tired or has a headache, express sympathy. Ask him if he would like to go, and come back at a time when he's feeling better. He could leave, but maybe he'll perk up if you don't let him be a martyr.
If you're worried about him picking weekends that the OW works, see if you can do a switch-a-roo on him. Come up with plans that make him switch weekends. See how he reacts.
H came over on sunday to watch our son while I went out with friends. Boy was he jealous...I made damn sure I looked good when I left the house and he asked me if I was dating someone. I just told him NO I am still married. Anyway left to go out he sent me a text message within the first few minutes saying "I know you are better than me, you have always been faithful and I hate myself everyday for that". So a few house after I had been gone I checked my phone and he had called 3 times. Said he had an important questionf or me and was very upset I had not answered. I was watching a movie and had shut my ringer off on my phone. Anway so I stepped out and called him back....He didnt want a thing other than to check up on me. Finally I said I needed to go so I could finish the movie. Got home and H never said a thing. We did get into a bit of a R talk. I think it was good though. Just told him he needs to stop making his life so miserable, get over it and move on one way or another. That I wanted to remain friends for our son. He continues to say he is working on fixing things and getting back to the house but I dont believe that for one minute. I guess we will see. So far I would say my new techniques have been working
>>He did ask questions about who I have been hanging out with, I told him " I dont have to tell you"<<
Hummmm... maybe add a little more lightheartedness to it. Try to be happy and nice because your life is going on (and even if it doesn't feel that way, when you live that way it does almost feel like it). I remember my husband asking me this type of thing and I'd just smile and say.... "Oh, nobody..." One time I even winked and said in a flirty way, "Wouldn't you like to know!"
Although you eventually will want to talk R stuff, I think it may still be too early. Until he's actually taking concrete steps to move back and commiting to the marriage R talk is just talk..... Also, if he is to come back you want him to REALLY WANT TO BE THERE. For your own emotional growth and healing I think it's better to focus on your life as it is now and being happy with or without him. And not expecting one single thing from him. And wishing him a great life in spite of his decisions. Because yours is going to be great no matter what.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks to everyone for responding any advice or different point's of view are always appreciated!!!
I have been happy around him and nice most of the time. There have been a few times when I have trouble keeping things to myself but I think for the most part I have done well. He is definately more curious about where I have been. He has brought up any R talk not me. I have just been telling him I dont want to talk about it and changing the subject but sunday night we did talk a little. I told him I just want for him to be happy (which I do) and stop being so miserable. I think he is having a hard time facing what he has done and forgiving himself BUT he did this so get over it! I certainly dont expect a thing from him right now. I hear the same crap everytime he comes over and see no changes. I am doing my best to move on with my life without him.
H is coming over tomorrow to see our son so I guess we will see how it goes. Thanks again for all the advice it's great
You do sound like you are doing well. It's okay to flub up once in awhile and get mad or say something you regret. We've all done that, but overall you sound good. And answering relationship questions while staying away from deep conversation is okay. I think your desire to be happy and even saying something like, "I just want a great family," are honest, valid and positive answers. When I or my husband would wander into relationship territory the thing I'd concentrate on is wanting a healthy and happy family and that was it. Real simple. Also I'd pull up the "family" word more than the marriage or husband and wife thing. Because divorce or leaving a marriage with kids isn't just about "leaving a spouse." It's about losing a family. That's a huge thing to give up.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
