How to win my wife back? HELP!!

[One Day]

Hi Smiley,

Sorry you're here. It's a hard place to be but you can get some great advice and support on these boards.

Have you read DR? If not, get a copy from Amazon (I don't think it's in the UK shops). Back off away from your W. Let her have some time to think and calm down. Limit contact to only issues related to your D.

It sounds like W was unhappy about some things in your M before she left. What were they? Are there things you can do to change any behaviours she was unhappy about?

Although there are no guarantees, there are lots of success stories around- in Newcomers and the MLC forum. They're a great source of inspiration and evidence for how DBing can work.

OD

[smileysmile1966]

one day thanks.

My story is here and some place else.

I know I shouldn't have done this but watching the videos made me flip
I know there is no point in the things I am doing. I need to BACK off completely unless it is to do with my D.
I need to get a life. Start dating and focus on myself and wellbeing. I have read the DB books. I purchased them 6 years ago when I S from my 1st M.
So I have to concentrate on me now.
Has anybody gone to this length of pretending your somebody else to find out where your ex/spouse is?

[Virtually_Handsome]

If your intent is still to save your M, GAL does not mean dating. It isn't fair to anyone to bring another person in to the situation.

[smileysmile1966]

I am so lonely. It has been 7 mths now since we departed from our marital house. Do you think I am ever going to get her back now after all this? I am still in pain and I wish we were together. But she has a loose tongue as I have found. Pretending to be somebody else and she tells hims I was controlling over our 2.5 yr R and I as 'Tony' fished a little more and texted her if he hit her? She replied, kinda of at the end..only!

She has slapped me hard that night across the face because she wouldn't let me sleep as I had to be up early so I lightly pushed her out of my room and she kept coming back. Then I did it again and she wacked me across the face so I restrained her by the arms onto the bed and said don't ever do that again!
That has happened a few times.
Anyway, I think the tension was evident because we were splitting up and she didn't really want it but she knew she had to do it. She was angry and had a lot of resentment inside her because of my behaviour she had no choice.
So please wise DBers what am I supposed to do now??

Yes I will refrain from 'hassling' her. I will now not do anything like I did because I know what she is capable of.
She did truly love me. That hurts because she was feeling that 19 mths ago when she married me. According to her I got worse after the baby was born 16 mths ago.
I wish I had done something to sort myself out. I am seeing a counsellor but I need to see a clinical pyschologist. A part of my brain needs erasing. The part that makes me want to self destruct. I had it all. I really did. The icing on the cake was our D. Now I have nothing but visitation to see my D on a devised rota which I am happy with.
How can somebody lose that love when I still have it in me for her?

[Virtually_Handsome]

smiley-
I'm neither wise, nor an expert, but here are some thoughts!

I understand your loneliness! My W is in the house, but it barely helps. Sometimes I think it would be easier if she wasn't. Are you going to get her back? These is no way to know that.

The Tony thing was a big mistake. Sure, the videos upset you, but that does not excuse what you did. OK, so what did you learn? I'd say that firstly, she resisted Tony's approach, he has to be pretty persistent. Then, it sounds like she didn't lie to Tony about what you did.

Ok, moving on to the next bit...
You pushed her "lightly" twice, and then restrained her. You need to resolve that that will
NEVER happen again. No excuses. If she wouldn't leave the room, you leave the room. You cannot do what you did.

So, now work on yourself. Seeing a counselor is a good start. Get a life (that does NOT mean date). Read up on the LRT, I think you are there.

Remember that a baby changes a lot of things, adds a lot of stress, and fatigue. Think about how you reacted to the changes that came when she was born.

[smileysmile1966]

dry heat,
I thank you for your honest opinion.
I found out that she is not on the rebound and she is behaving in an undignified way with no class by responding to this man. Who again is fictional. Ok maybe I have to take into account that she has our D and she is suffering from stress and fatigue.
Maybe this was the nail in the coffin doing this to her.

I still don't think it was a huge crime. Though I should have had more control and I went against DB rules
So a huge back slide from me
I have learnt that she has a loose tongue, no class and dignity when comes to talking to a stranger.

I think she is more angry now than ever. It is going to take longer now to melt that anger. I hope she can understand why I did it. But I dooubt she will

[smileysmile1966]

Soon to be ex wife is cracking up!!

It has been 8 mths! Since the ex and I have been separated from our marital home. 12 mths since she announced she had enough and we started to sleep in separate beds.

So here I am in my house and she in her house with our 17 mth old daughter. 10 minutes away.
I have access rights to my D so see the ex between 1-2 times a week.

Today I had my D from 10.30am until 6.30pm.

I have read the books. The forums. So I have tried to be upbeat. I have always for the last several mths collected my D clean shavened and in smart but casual dress. Now the summer is here I will be wearing the muscle shirt come tight sleeveless shirts lol pumping on the old dumbells
Anyway, looking attractive etc etc

The ex was in a foul mood today. She really went for the juggular!
I picked up my D and kissed her. She had held her arms out for me and excited to see me. The ex gets funny about this...

You see..I have found out that the ex is 'checking' me out. She sees the complete opposite of what she expects. Upbeat, helpful and just plain nice. Not rising to her put downs etc. Walking away when she starts on at me. Today, she wished she hadn't married me, I did this I did that, she loathes me, I don't want to see you as little as possible blah blah.
She brought up stuff I couldn't even remember.

Apparently the reason for this onslaught is that she is tired, stressed and feeling damn low. Yes, our little 'un is playing up. Whingeing and waking up in the middle of the night. This has taken its toll. Amongst the feeling of being a single parent, the position she is in because of me.

I hasten to add guys her feelings why she gave me this onslaught wasn't apparent until later in the day when I had returned my D.

Whilst I was picking up my D I kept calm and listened. But I had to leave because why should I stick around to hear what I know already and in front of our D. So I left and spent a nice day with my D who does whinge a lot but which is to be expected at this age now.

I returned my D not knowing about the home phone answer messages on the phone. My ex was cleaning the front outside windows. I put our D down to go to her mum. I stood in the lounge telling ex about the day and also that I had a better cleaner to clean your pvc doors and windows. That it would take out those marks etc. I was upbeat about it and she was interested. So nothing was said about the morning yet she must have thought I had already heard the home messages but I hadn't.
So I said I will bring it over on Thursday which is the next time I have my D for 10 hrs.
My D (love her) put out her arms and whined for me lol My ex gets the hump over this because whenever I drop her off she puts her arms back out for me rather than go to her mum. Of course this is not a competition but my ex REALLY said some horrible things that morning. It shows my D is getting to know me and wants to be with me

When I went to leave she shakes and whines with her arms out because I was leaving lol (my D that is)

So keep it brief. That is what I say.

When I got home there were 2 looooong messages which were half and hour after I left that morning but I ever took D home, I took her staight to my mums.

In a nutshell, they were sort of an appology for that morning. However, my ex is not so keen to make it a formal appology, although well worded.

She pretty much explained the reasons why she was like that. It was a sort of a retraction of the not so nice things she had said. But she wss tired, stressed and feeling low. But what surprised me is that she said that she has noticed I have been nice and it makes her angry. That why wasn't I like that when we were together!?
Whenever she sees me she sees the person of her pain. The cause of her pain. That I bring back memories everytime she sees me and she is not used to the NICE person.
I guess she is noticing this NICE person, the person she has always wanted to be with. She is feeling the low times now being a single parent. She is noticing things.

However, she says in the answer machine message that she is adamant that she did the right thing leaving me especially with what I did 2 mths ago..she is trying to validate the reasons she left me. And because I am not acting the way she expected and I am this nice person, the one she always wanted to be with she is fighting her feelings on maybe being drawn to the man she once loved. She probably wants me to act this jerk that she left. Then this will maintain her correct decision to have left.

I guess I am not helping her. By being this nice guy, great father to our D and remaining attractive by not letting myself go.
I have always wondered how long she could keep this independant life with the struggle of holding down a job and bringing up our D who is nearing the 'terrible 2's.'
I am in no means deluded here but for her to open up like this tells me I am doing the right things here. Not just to win my ex back but because of life is to short and to be a jerk for the sake of it. To be a better person no matter what happens and of course for my D.

Watch this space....