Husband is finally moving out- how do I act

[KPK]

Formerly posted under Living in MLC Misery (couldn't get the link in for some reason).

H has decided this Saturday is moving day to his new place. We told the kids- it was horrible, lots of begging and crying. I really hate him for putting them through this. He's been all happy and busy getting his new place together.

Since we've been living like roommates for the last 7 months, and I got the ILYBNILWY, and he told me he's not at all attracted to me because of my hinderances in our sex life, I should be ready for this, right? Ha! Nothing I've done for the last 7 months has made a difference in how he sees me (I've GAL, tried to keep a PMA (although failed at times), etc...). I'm still his "best friend", that's it.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to act now. I'll be seeing him at least 3 days a week because of the kids, he'll be coming into the house to pick them up for school one day a week, tucking them in one night per week, and seeing them every other weekend. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I can't go dark because of the kids, I've been acting friendly and we have a good relationship, which is what he wants and what I guess I'm supposed to do, but he doesn't view me as anything more than that. I have no idea how to shake things up- nothing has moved in 7 months.

Does anyone have any advice at all?

Thanks.

[almosthopeful]

(((KPK))),

Since we've been living like roommates for the last 7 months, and I got the ILYBNILWY, and he told me he's not at all attracted to me because of my hinderances in our sex life, I should be ready for this, right? Ha!

I'm not sure anything can make us ready for the moving out day. It is just plain painful, no matter what the siutation leading up to it has been.

I just want to say I'm sorry and that I shared your situation. XH and I were separated for 20 months, seeing each other 4-5 times/week in connection with S. And what I wanted to tell you about it is just to try every day to live for you and for the kids, doing what makes you sane and happy. You can be friendly toward H because it is the right and kind thing to do. If it helps with H, great. But GAL is for you. H may come through crisis quickly and see you for the wonderful wife and mom you are, and he may not. But you and the kids must thrive regardless.

Good luck KPK.

Hugs,
AH

[KPK]

Thanks AH. I take it from the "XH" statement above, you guys didn't make it? If not, I'm very sorry. 20 months- wow, that's a long time to be separated. Did you file for D or did he? I'm just in a huge frazle right now, especially with the kids being as upset as they are. I want the DBing to work, but I can't seem to get him to see me as as anything but a friend at this point- can't get that attraction back. I'm afraid with his seeing me so oten, this is exactly where things are going to stay. And you're right, I've just got to get on with the GALing.
It's just so hard to let go of all the memories and future plans we had together, as it is with everyon else I'm sure.

Thanks so much for replying.

Hugs,
KPK

[almosthopeful]

KPK,

No we didn't make it. XH filed in summer of 2006, we got around to mediating with counsel in December 2006 and D was final July 2007. XH remarried (a woman who worked closely with him for about 6-7 years now) on January 1 this year. He still doesn't say her name to me!

What really took me back, reading your post, was how hard the children took the announcement. Same with us. We did not fight at all, so our S15 (then S12) was totally shocked, took it very, very hard, stiffening up, crying, yelling. I remember it to this day and it still is one of the very few things that makes me want revenge on XH, rather than to let go!

The only thing you can do is take it one day at at time. LIke I said, GALing, being kind, and courteous just makes you a great person and a great role model for the kids, and makes you go to sleep at night feeling comfortable with yourself. These MLCers are totally out of our sphere of influence, so who knows how he'll react. Expectations have to zero...although I am preaching something that I really am bad at pulling off! I personally think the classical DBing techniques (180, last resort, etc.) don't have much meaning in the context of MLC. Not that they can't help you, but I think the MLC spouse is in another reality and generally impervious to what we do or don't do. JMO, of course.

Keep posting. This bb can be a real life saver during this spell.

Hugs,
AH

[KPK]

Thanks again AH. Yes, what he's doing to our kids makes me really hate him, but I'm holding it in. He says he feels terrible about it, and actually wants sympathy from people because he's upset! Lunatic- they're all thinking you did this, you crushed them, why should you get any sympathy? So self-centered.

Ughh.
KPK

[peacetoday]

KPK
Let him go
My H left after 4 months of avoiding me and going out all the time
we cant stop them
yes it is very painful that day
One of my best friends came over and I cried to her
the kids are confused and we are in pain
I tried to take time with each kids D12 S6 and listen to them and be there
they saw I wasnt leaving
they saw everything else stayed the same
their friends, the house, camp, school, homework, meals bedtime that made them safe I believe
they saw Dad came frequently to visit and I think we can help make the transition easier for kids
NO R talks
ands as hard as it is we keep going forward
Gal PMA practice being upbeat it gets easier
suddenly- you enjoy your life again
peace

[kissak]

I know what you mean....my H wants sympathy from me....he keeps telling me "you know how it makes me feel to have to call my kids everyday and not see them?"

Uh, your choice there buddy!!

You can do this KPK....I agree, being friends is very hard...I am not my H's friend right now, I am friendly or kind to him and not ugly, but that is it. It will be along time before I am over the hurt enough to be his friend. If you dont think you can be your H's friend right now, tell him. Tell him you need time. I know my H doesnt like me not being his "friend" but he will get over it.

[KPK]

My H has moved out and the kids are staying with him tonight. It's the first time I'll be going to sleep and waking up in a competely empty house, and I just can't stop crying.

[hopefloats7]

I am so, so sorry, KPK. Are you near any family that might be able to come over tonight?
Did your kids absolutely have to stay with him tonight?
I say this in all seriousness: it's bubble bath time, make some hot tea or coffee, find a magazine you like and get away from it all for an hour. When you're done with that, make a snack and go to bed early. You need your rest when you are down.

[KPK]

Thanks for responding hf7. Unfortunately my family lives 3 hours away, and my best friend just had surgery, so I'm on my own. Am definitely headed for the tub! They don't absolutely have to stay, but they said they want to (they got a new bunkbed at H's house and are very excited about it), so I said it was their choice. They may change their mind- it's still early. Guess we'll see what happens. I do feel an early night coming on. I just feel like I keep getting kicked over and over.

Thanks again for the support.