hope, im so sorry for you. what a heart-wrenching blow for you! he is hoping if he gets you totally out of his life (D & NC) his guilt will ease, he is still running. hes convinced him self he is starting over. uhm, i still see it as running. this poor woman is right. i hope you will mourn this m and start fresh with taking care of you. you see it still will be your choice in the end whether he gets to return or not.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
My take on this is he is still running from him self, this isn't growth or learning from your mistakes, this is hiding from the hurts that you have caused to your spouse, thinking that if it involves a new person that you will not have the same problems, he is still angry, is he is a fog? who knows but he is still the same person that ran from his marriage, just the fact that he did not tell you out right that he is dating some one speaks for it self. He is still running.
Hope only you know what direction to take every thing that he related to you. I wish you well and I hurt for you. The pain that I hear from your word is telling me that you a beautful person, to be there for him and wait for him, even after all of this says what a glowing soul you have, and if he is not man enough to know this it will be his lost in years to come.
I think I have mourned the loss of my marriage, and I got through that part. What it is now is losing the chance to have a new R with him. I guess I just always hoped...
Maybe this is a form of running in a way, but many others have and would see it has a healthy response to the point he's at now. A New Me was right; he does have some sound points. I find it healthy that he doesn't wish to punish himself forever and he wants to move beyond the past. We all want that. But at the crossroad he faced, he chose to take the path without my name on it, and off he goes.
It will hurt, thinking of him with someone new, someone who doesn't remind him of his failings, someone he can be this new, good man to. I have to say, from speaking with him it certainly sounds like he's going to try his hardest. I can tell he is curious about a future with her from how he talked about it.
I think he wants me to be ok with this; to think of his happiness instead of my own (which would include us working this out). He implies that decision wouldn't be for his happiness.
The way I feel about it now, I had the youth of him, the young adult, then the worst years of his life. Now he's ready to give the new & improved to a new woman. I should be so lucky.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
someone who doesn't remind him of his failings, someone he can be this new, good man to
Well, my stbx tried this stragety when we separated back in in 05, he had all the time he wanted, he had no kids around, and a cc...and still, you can't put up a front for ever, eventually his true nature showed up, he couldn't put up a show forever.
So, no, I dont' think your H is now 100% healthy and all will go great, it never pays to run away and try to start anew if you never fixed the original problem to begin with.
Quote:
I had the youth of him
I was just thinking of this since yesterday, but on a different angle. I had him at his best, at his peak, the best years of his life when he was healthy and young, no one will ever, not even him, take that away! ever. THe new person my H is, I want no part of, his outer shell reminds me of that good man he was, but that's all it is , a shell, the good part is gone.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hope, I read your posting yesterday and wanted to think about what my response would be before I wrote to you. First, I am very, very sorry he's still not there. Second, he's not whole/healed and until he is, he's going to continue searching for something he can't define until it hits him right between the eyes. He's going to make excuses for everything and you do not need to be hearing his explanations of why things turned out the way they did.
Here's what I would do....I would tm him and advise him that he will need to come pick up puppy, not half way, but all of the way to your place. He brought the dog to you to take care of, therefore, he needs to return to pick the pup up. He doesn't want to come to your place because he feels bad enough for what he's done and continues to do to you. Time for him to grow up, face his consequences. It's time to pull out the tough love on this one. Do not inconvenience yourself for this man...you've done more than 100%+ to be there for him. It's time to take care of you.
Once he's picked up puppy, go completely dark. That means, no cards, letters, phone calls, emails or tms. He wants to explore life w/his internet hoochie, then let him. But the bottom line is this, you had the best years of his life w/him and any woman that hooks up w/him now has the leftovers. He needs to feel the loss completely and the only way to do that is cut the ties completely. This doesn't mean that you have to slam the door shut, but it does mean that you will need to turn all of the focus on to you now and start venturing forth even more into a new life without him.
Hope, you've been at this a very long time and I know you love this man, but the best gift you can give him now is to set him free totally. In many cases, they think that the divorce decree will set them free, but it doesn't. I suspect your h will be one of those that is never free until he faces the consequences of his actions and accepts that his demons are his battle and you weren't part of that particular scenario. I know you don't want a divorce, but I would not help him w/it any more than I had to. Let him do the work for the divorce.
I do hope and pray that you can find peace and comfort in knowing that you did everything possible to turn your situation around. I only wish you the very best and hope that the future will be better for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The last few days have been hard ones but I know I will be ok. I am disappointed because I saw & heard of H's desire to become a better person and his reaching out to me during that time made me think he wanted me to know this about him for a reason. To learn he has someone new in his life was fairly shocking. I did not expect that.
I don't believe he will ever see me as an attractive option. I'm part of his past life that he says he was unhappy in. He wants fresh & new; that's what he's rebuilding his life with now. He has a house of his own now and someone new that doesn't look at him knowing what he did. That is a very big deal to him; he wants to forget and move forward. I'll always know what he cost us and that is why he no longer wants to be around me.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
