1) We share a common faith. She has said many times that this is why she has not filed for divorce already.
2) When times are de-escalated (which still happens - see my post in newcomers for 'the cycle'), we enjoy playing cards and other games, watching movies, and eating out together
3)My W and I both love are kids. She does not always treat them well, but that is her anger issues (she has the same cycles with them, sometimes in sync with the one with me and sometimes independent of it). She really does want the best for them. his is her other reason for not leaving. It is also one of my reasons for not leaving.
I have been saying for a while the discussing the R is just making us more separate and that we need to just learn how to spend time together again (This is a principle for restarting from Reconcilable Differences). Her response is three fold (it changes regularly): 1) great, we can start dating again 2) "I would never date someone as ______, as you (selfish, egotistic, uncaring, etc.) 3) she insists we discuss the R or nothing
Right now I have decided to: 1) Play games when possible - we both have busy schedules, but I aim for at least offering once or twice a week and excepting an invitation if I am not too tired, hungry, or thirsty (I will sometimes just change the last two and accept). I take this principle from recovery. I make bad choices if I am in one of those three states. 2) Remain willing to at least listen to her talk about the relationship until it gets too (heated, blaming, etc). Then I will time-out. 3) Walk away or call time-out if things are out of hand. And stick to it if she persues the discussion. (I am still learning to do this) 4) Attempt to distract or discourage her if she is out of control with the kids. The particular issue with the kids can be dealt with later, when heads are cooler. 5) Limit times in situations where actions 3 and 4 are not possible. 6) Still working on not appeasing when attacked verbally, emotionally, or religiously. This is the hardest for me because of the pain involved in not stopping the attack. 7) Start rebuilding an old friendship (it is a man so no chance of EA or PA). We talk about once a week to keep up on each others lives and to give each other support and encouragement. He is the one friend that is willing to say things like: "emotionally I would say walk away, but the right thing is probably to ________". Like all friends, he hates to see me hurting but he realizes that hurting is sometimes a necessary part of growth. 8) I have had a policy from early in our marriage to limit friendship/contact with any possible OW to superficial, public, and situation limited to avoid EA or PA. It has been a conscious (sometimes hard) choice. I am keeping this one a little tighter right now. 9) Have remade email contact with one old flame to 'make amends' (appologize) the 12 step way for things I had done. and then we both agreed that any further contact should be infrequent to avoid any distractions from our marriages. W does not know about the contact because she is extremely jealous of any contact with females. Even mentioning a female name from work is sometimes enough. 10) I have made a commitment to not let my W interfere with my 12 Step Recovery process and meeting attendance unless it is a true emergency. I made that mistake once and found myself regressing and found it difficult to restart.
Do these sound like reasonable short term goals?
H - 47 W - 44 M - 18+ years Separated? - 4/07 S - 13 S - 15
