I feel your H did have a kind of Identity/MLC, but he's feeling the road back is just too hard. There is so much they have to face up to, and it can be overwhelming.
I really admire how you handled yourself through this.
This reminds me of when I found out about my H's current gf. Things had been going well b/t us, and I even thought there was a chance we might get back together. Then I found out - from the kids - that he'd been seeing her for a few months.
Hope, I was devastated. I, too, thought that I couldn't hurt anymore, but I did. And badly. I know it's because I had still hoped that we would get back together, and to me, this was the final nail in the coffin. This was not ow for whom he'd left me. This was someone new; someone he'd chosen to start a new life with. It hurt like hell.
But..there is good news. Once I got over the pain - and I did - it enabled me to really release him. I was finally able to move on with MY life. For me, that meant taking steps toward D, but it doesn't have to mean that for you - that will be your choice. Either way, you now have the opportunity to finally, really grieve for your M b/c it's really over. That's not to say there's no chance you'll ever get back together, but the M you had is done. And, Hope, that's a good thing, even though it doesn't seem like it right now.
I am sending you big hugs and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Well, I should clarify a few things. My H is not with the "ow". That ended a long time ago. This new gf is an innocent woman who has no idea what she is getting involved in. I don't harbor any ill feelings towards her. I mean, my H is leg. sep. so this isn't "wrong" legally and this is not the ow he ran out on me for.
He called me late last night and we talked for a while. He doesn't want me thinking this new R has prompted him to move things along (i.e., coming to get the puppy, wanting to file). He told me he spent last year alone, punishing himself for his bad decisions and really thinking hard about whether or not we should try to reconcile. He said even when he was considering it, he didn't feel it was a good idea. In the end he felt that the "consequences he would have to pay would outweigh the good" and he had to move on. He told me there were things he did miss about us and I admitted the same. He said we both needed to stop comparing what we had to anything either of us might have with someone else; it will never be like that again; never be the same; you only have that one time in you life.
He said he was better. He was turning things around and without anyone's help. I asked him if he was happy, and he didn't say yes, but he didn't say no either. He said he was getting there. However he told me I didn't care about his happiness; that I had only wanted us to get back together and that was for my own happiness. I told him that after he left I saw how he was for a full year, and he was not doing very well at all. Even in the 2 years that followed, he was not happier. So I thought perhaps he regretted his decision to leave and maybe we could have been happy back together; us both having come out of this different, more mature adults.
He understood my thinking but he felt that it was the better choice to move on with someone new. I think it's easier for him because someone else doesn't remind him of his mistakes. At one point he said it would be easier if we had no further contact. However, I have our dog right now and he plans to get him next month, so I know we will have to see each other then. He said at the end of the call it would be better if he called me from now on. I never call him in the first place, so I don't know why he thinks all the sudden I would be ringing his cell. But I think he wants to put me in the past along with his big mistake and move forward with his gf.
What hurts greatly is how he said he would never do this again and I do believe that about him. He wants to improve and be better in a R, but he wants to give all of that to a new person, not to me. I hung in there, did all the hard work, only to let someone else gain the benefit when my H is finally ready to be with someone.
He also told me his head wasn't confused and "a mess" anymore. He has been reading "Become a Better You".
Last edited by hopefloats7; 03/15/0801:29 PM.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
G felt I didn't care about his happiness either. I was able to change that perception.
You COULD change that as well, if you want to, build the friendship. It may take a long time. You've already been in this a long time....it's up to you.
When you give up the way he's hurt you (and you may have, his perception may be off), and just really listen to him, show you care, tell him you know he's moving on, you're happy for him. Remember the things that HE enjoys etc, it could work. It doesn't have to be done. Only you know.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Hope, those of us who have been following your sitch from day one know that you have been doing this all along.
Ditto, this.
Hope I am so sorry and I can't imagine how much harder this was after his seeming to have reached out to you recently.
I have no idea what you should do, or what you can emotionally stomach right now.
I do disagree with your MLC assessment...I think his reasoning is so absurd, and his arguments so silly, that there is every reason to think that he was in MLC and is still there, floundering. Remember how long snodderly's H and her friend, took??? Some of them just take forever, and you know that your H had many of the early life experiences that we THINK are related to later MLC>
Not that it matters so much as to what you decide to do now, but it may make you feel better.
Hope I'm really sorry, I wish you'd continue to post for awhile just so people who've been following you these past almost three years can be of support.
AH, thank you. I can continue to post for a while. It helps to talk about all of this, as you well know. I can tell you that he also told me one thing he'd wished he'd done three years ago was go to counseling before he'd made any bad choices. But he always follows these things up with, "But I can't change the past." I certainly know that and don't expect him to. I have seen regret from him and heard him talking about things he is doing to try to move forward, better himself. It hurts that he wants to take someone else's hand now and begin a new, healthier life.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
In the end he felt that the "consequences he would have to pay would outweigh the good" and he had to move on.
Hope,
I am so sorry for your pain. I know that this has to hurt badly because his behavior right now is that of a person who is rational. He has some really good sounding arguments. Now just to clarify here, I am not trying to talk you into anything. You are the only one who knows what is best for you. Mourn the loss of your old marriage. I just see here that he has not seen the real you yet. My next question is, What is he going to say when this new R, doesn't work out either. I can't help but feel from what I have read that your H is afraid of trying again...afraid that the hurt he caused will haunt him forever if he is with you. However, what he doesn't know yet...is that he will be haunted by his behavior until he deals with it...no matter who he is with.
Take care of yourself, if a D is NOT what you want, then I wouldn't do anything to help with it. Just follow his lead. I am praying for all of us.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
