The only thing I was wondering is, is there anything you can do to change the dance?
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
ANM, changing the dance would be good....don't know what to do to do that...I am open for suggestions...seriously...
there is a part of me that really wants something to happen but I am on a lot of hormones right now to get my body ready for the hysterectomy...so sometimes i find myself being a lot more aggressive than what I would normally be...so I have to take that in mind and I do not really think it is in my best interest to chill out for the time being. I need to try to be as still as I can...mainly for me at this point.
V
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
I really don't have any suggestions. I wish I did. I just wondered if you thought there was something you could do different that would cause a change in him. Who will be helping you out after the surgery? I had the same surgery about about 8 or 9 years ago. Take care of yourself. I am telling you that you will not believe how much better you will feel after you recover. I went from having one good week a month to feeling good all month.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Valentine and ANewMe~ Its life and love. If your marriage suffers from poor communication, indifidelity, sexual issues, or financial problems; or if you or your spouse suffers from depression, low self-esteem, addictions, and/or personal crises, the Rollercoaster ride begins! Sometimes the ride is brief, and other times, WICKED! The length and severity of the ride depends on the solutions you apply. A positive state of mind, along with humor helps too.
I am not directing this to you Val but in general because of what I have read and what Tia just stated. I am not speaking of our loved ones (our MLC/WAS). I am speaking of us.
I feel as we are being tested in how we react to our situation. People know of my beliefs but I am also speaking generally for a secular POV as well. It is hard for me to separate my strong spiritual beliefs from this especially because there is no doubt in my mind that we are not alone.
What I am speaking of is that in this "test" we can decide which way we want to go; positive life changes or negative ones. I have witnessed people at different phases but one thing I think is almost always happening is that we do both. I know I have. I have done many things post-separation that I am not proud of. On a spiritual side, I know that God forgives me for being so stupid. On a secular side, mistakes happen and it is healthy not to dwell on them, emotionally and for physical well-being.
Either way, we are going to make mistakes. It is important not to intentionally seek out the harmful but bad decisions do happen if we are in a poor state of mind. And sometimes that is nearly impossible to avoid. Reading the bible, going to church, attending a men's bible study, praying often (just talking to God as He is a friend/father/confidante/mentor is what I do), while for those that believe differently, attaching yourself to emotionally stable, trusted friends, reading PMA books, reading anything by Michele (I seriously trust her because her heart is obviously in this "business" - I feel it is more of a "ministry" to her than one to make her wealthy) are areas to help avoid negative pitfalls.
BUT, we have to remember that all the bad things we may have done may have helped us realize that it is simply not worth it and lead us toward our betterment. Unfortunately, we have seen some go down some dark tunnels themselves, not unlike our spouses. As I have said regarding my W, we need to be patient with them as well and show love. Maybe not unconditional but the kind of loyal love that is described biblically.
I don't want to take up more space on your thread Val so I will write the rest over in mine regarding the different types of love as the Greeks described and John from the bible.
I just wanted to add to what Tia said (Tia, I hope you don't mind), I hope that no one feels that if they are feeling negative or have a negative behavior exhibited or desire to be negative in any way, that you dwell on how bad you are. You aren't bad. You are human.
But as Tia, I believe, is stating, focus on the positives or it will severely hampen your own sense of balance and peace that your wayward spouse is disrupting.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
ANM, I hope I feel so much better once my hysterectomy is completed...
My parents will be helping me out...but he has avoided my parents like the plague. So when I have surgery, I expect him to virtually disappear. Actually I am okay with that...I prefer to convalesce w/o having him around. I can do so in peace and won't be bothered by his incessant harping about finances. I am lucky that my disability at work pays 100% of my salary so I don't lose any income. Anyhow, I expect that I will be going to stay with my parents who live in another city so, I will be going pretty dim on him if not dark.
that will be different as he is used to having A LOT of interaction with me, either by phone, text or e-mail. He drops in sometimes...not as often as before. Probably because the house is a mess and he hates that. He makes comments about it and I have to hold my tongue...I used to DB and keep the house IMMACULATE. He never noticed or at least he appeared not to notice.
He is very Latin in this regard. Expects me to keep the house clean and 'service' him when HE wants/ed it. I really do not like that he feels this sense of "entitlement". Like this is what he SHOULD have.
Anyhow, I have gotten off track...
I hope that my surgery brings a lot of peace and closure...I am really anticipating tht it will...
Hugs! Vali
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
Tia, this has been a LONG and bumpy ride...hard to stay positive but I admit that the longer it goes, the more positive I become I don;t know if it is because I have become used to the situation or what.
I can laugh at A LOT of the stuff my H said in the past...but some of the stuff he is doing now is not so funny, so that is hard to balance on some days.
I am still hanging on...but truly by only a thread.
V
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
MMF, maybe we ARE being tested. Maybe our spiritual beliefs are being tested as well. i completely believe that God has given us this test as a gift of sorts...to find our selves, our strength and our future...
I am sure I have made mistakes in DBing...i know I have done some backsliding...tried to fix it. I cannot say I am sorry about things I have done post-separation. I have not dated, joined an internet dating site, fallen for anyone in any way, shape or form (and I'm not criticizing any here who has---this is a crazy time in our lives and ANYTHING can happen---even to us)...I have not put myself out there as 'single', I have gotten many offers and although it is very flattering, I have not gone there.
You are right in trying not to dwell on our mistakes, it does us no good either spiritually or for our energy overall...
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As I have said regarding my W, we need to be patient with them as well and show love. Maybe not unconditional but the kind of loyal love that is described biblically.
I have tried to do this, first I did it grudgingly and I would be lying if I said that it is still not like that sometimes. Overall, I am trying to love my H like a friend...like someone whose decisions I don't agree with but show that I love him as a friend. Not a lover, not as my H. He does not believe that I love him anymore. He has said this to me so I know that is what he feels.
He is still in his selfish mode---or maybe that is who he is and I have to ask myself if I can reconcile with someone as selfish as he is. Okay, so there is a transgression---a negative feeling---I have to stop and believe that he won't always be this way. But trusting that feeling is not something I am good at anymore. I don't trust him and I don't trust his intentions because I believe that he is going to do what is good for HIM first.
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focus on the positives or it will severely hampen your own sense of balance and peace that your wayward spouse is disrupting.
This is completely true. I feel that I have to let go of the negativity and just let it be what it is...my marriage is gonna go either way...and the only thing I can really do is make myself into a person that I love. I cannot make my H love himself. Or love me. but if the only thing that comes out of this is that I am a better person out of it...then I am okay with that. If I am better person AND my H decides to pull his head outta his proverbial ass and start WORKING on the himself AND the R then that is the best scenario of all...
So we'll see what happens...
V
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
...I feel that I have to let go of the negativity and just let it be what it is...my marriage is gonna go either way...and the only thing I can really do is make myself into a person that I love. I cannot make my H love himself. Or love me. but if the only thing that comes out of this is that I am a better person out of it...then I am okay with that. If I am better person AND my H decides to pull his head outta his proverbial ass and start WORKING on the himself AND the R then that is the best scenario of all...
So we'll see what happens...
Val, I think that's the best we can hope to do.
Please keep us posted as to your surgery and I am praying you heal quickly.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
