The Longest Journey

[Jen_Jam]

OK SD I promised a mroe sensible post and I will now try.

I am in a position where my M is happy, I am getting what I want, H is getting what he wants, I don't analyse everything to infinity anymore.

That doesn't mean I've slid right back to the mean, shouty and pouty jenny I used to be. A lot of what I do now is automatic. I regularly think about my M and ask myself if I'm filling H's love tank enough ... if the answer is no, then I will make sure I do something nice for him, tell him he looks nice, thank him for doing the washing up. If the answer is yes then i'll carry on doing these things. If H hasn't been filling my love tank then i ask myself why ... sometimes I realise he's tired out for work and I will wait. Other times I will ask for what I want, making it no big deal.

I did bomb my H. When my H left, in his MLC, he said that he felt very regimented by me. But I was the one who organised EVERYTHING because H never had an opinion on anything. He never spoke up, never took action. When I bombed him I pointed out that I was taking on all this responsibility again (organising finances, where we go on holiday, our meals, where we go out etc etc). I told H that I actually didn't like being the one "in charge" all the time, that I didn't want a M like that. I pointed out that there is a wall in the garden which needs attention and the living room needs redecorating, but he never came up with any suggestions, so i felt it was up to me all the time to say "Right! Let's get organised" and take over. IOW, I was pointing out that the factors that he contributed to his own unhappiness were coming back. He felt regimented but he ALLLOWED this to happen by never having an opinion on anything.

SO! He got bombed. He listened, and he asked me one thing which struck me really hard, and SD this is what I would like to point out to you. H asked me to "focus on the positives and ignore the negatives". Just for 6 months. He stated he would try, but he would of course get it wrong some of the time.

So that is what I have been doing. Yes he messes up, yes sometimes he looks at me with that "oh it's all too much for me, you decide" face (which does infuriate me!) but then I remember other times when he has said "RIGHT! Let's do THIS!" and it's been good. I have to remember as well that I am more dynamic than him, I am more of a leader than he is. And, knowing that, I stop myself from stepping in when he has a good idea and taking over. It's kind of like when a child tries to do something, they are being incredibly slow and making mistakes, you look at them and know you could step in, do it for them and it would be much quicker. But how is that child ever to learn if you do it for them all the time? I remember trying to do something when I was small and my Mum got impatient, snatched it out of my hand with a big sigh and did it herself. It hurt. I felt stupid and untrusted. So now I remember that and give H room to try, to make mistakes, and I don't rush him. Well, I try not to, cos I'm not perfect either and do mess things up at times

So SD I ask you now ... look for some positives in your H. Remember too your wedding day. Remember the love you had for him. If you're anything like me I married my H because he was kind, gentle and didn't try to push anyone or force his will on anyone. The flipside is he can be a bit passive, but it's a trade off I'm happy to make. I've had a boyfriend who is more dynamic and I didn't really like it. There is no such thing as the perfect man or woman ... life is all compromise. We are all human and we all make mistakes. As long as we don't keep making the same ones, and we try to put things right when they go wrong, we are going in the right direction. Change is a journey, not a destination.

I hope I'm making sense ... it's about 9am and I'm on my second mega strong coffee Take it slow and easy ... you have it in you to see this through. SD you are no quitter