Worried I found DB too late #2

[cw68]

Grrr. What a horrible day. Our floors still aren't done (!) and I have guests arriving tomorrow. I think the stupid flooring guy wiped the hardwood down with something that was REALLY bad for the finish AND my H scraped a huge double track through the wood when he moved the fridge back. It's really bad. Seeing it just put me over the edge, the edge that I was clinging to. I just crumpled on the kitchen floor, all the stress pouring out of me. My H said he was sorry and just held me. I couldn't let him hold me for more than a few seconds though. His hugs just seem so empty. I was obviously upset and just said that I was just so lonely because, though I have good friends, I don't have anyone around me (except my kids) who simply love me, who just want to comfort me, who just love me unconditionally. Nobody. And then I left to go to the store. When I returned, I completely ignored him. I had to cancel on a friend's cancer-free 50th girls' sleepover party tonight because the house is still a torn-up pit and the other flooring guy was supposed to show tonight, of course he didn't. I was not in a good mood. Did a ton of things around the house, got parts of it looking OK. Said goodnight to the kids. Asked if I could use his laptop at the apartment. He gave it to me and started to give me a hug goodbye. I just said goodnight and walked out the door. Couldn't do it. It would have made me loose the tenuous grip that I had going on. Had to call him on the computer once I got to the apartment, made it very quick, not personal and ended the call promptly.

Then 30 minutes later he called me to ask me a question on laundry, "Did Alex use turpentine to clean the floor, the clothes in the washer smell like it?" Umm, I don't know. Bye.

I'm seeing a definite pattern here, one that's very predictable. Though we get along well, in general, and he doesn't shy from my touch or attention, dim is where it's at. I think I'm headed to dark.

I realized that with my backslide last night and my feeling today that I really am detaching. I'm angry in a much different way and I'm definitely feeling that he's the one who's broken, he's the one who's going to suffer the most should he decide to end this. It will be the most unfair on the kids, I'll get the most "screwed" but he's the one who's the mess. I don't deserve this. I was a good wife, I deserve unconditional love, I didn't deserve my spouse just saying one day without warning that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. This situation is not my fault and I hold very little responsibility for it. I hold responsibility for some issues in our marriage, without doubt, but he's the louse who didn't give me the respect of a chance, he's the louse who looked outside of the marriage for another woman's support. If he can't come around, he doesn't deserve me.