W and I piecing this M back together

[Forrest Gump]

You have to do this casually.

Don't make a big deal about it just express your desire for her to attend.

If she says no one will talk to me. Say something like what am I chopped liver?

Say we will go and make fun of all of them.

Come on man be creative.

I would not fret to much about it but some friendly pressure may make it worth your while.

Just make sure she understands you really want her there for no other reason than you want her there.

[GFI]

I guess from the DB perspective you will need to go and simply make it plain that it would really have been your preference for W to have been there with you both. That keeps the thing in proportion.

[Lanzo]

Hey Forrest/GFI

W has indicated that she would rather lay naked in bed with me rather than go to this party, so I'm not going to make too much of an issue over it now.

I'll just apply a little friendly pressure, then if that doesn't work then I'll let her know that I want her at my side at all times not just at selected events. And then let it be.


Lan

[sandi2]

Dear Lan,

I know exactly how your W feels. I don't know if I mentioned it to you, but I left my H (or tried to) when our first child was about a year old.....it lasted all of one week and I got sort of pushed into going back to him. Anyway....long story. But, immediately, he wanted to go to his mom's house and I knew the entire large family/relatives would be there. I hated it and knew how they felt toward me for leaving their precious (my H). But, I knew I would have to face the music sooner or later, so I went to get it over with. Nobody said anything to me, but I never felt so ill at ease in my life! I felt like every eye in the place was on me at all times. He told me he wouldn't leave my side, but I guess he forgot, b/c he did. It was not pleasant for me at all.

My suggestion would be that you leave her alone....this first time. Give her more time to adjust. If the subject does come up anyway, please assure her that you will not leave her side and when she is ready to go to give you the signal and you two are out of there. This would be an opportunity to show your protectiveness over her (but not smothering). Plus it should get the message over to the relatives where you stand with your W! However, once you are back home.....don't continue to do the same action as you did at the party. Give her some space time. She may or may not be ready to be all over you. The stress may be so much she will be ready to collaspe. Just let her call the shots. You know her well enough to read her signals. Do make an effort to tell her how proud you are of her and that you know it was not easy for her to go. Let her know that it meant a lot to you for her to do that. It may or may not lead up to more meaningful conversation. You threw the ball into her court, if she wants to talk more, she will throw it back to you.....so back and forth until you know when the cutting off place comes. Don't let it get negative.

BTW, I told my H that I never wanted us to talk about my OM. He said he did not ever have to mention him again......and he hasn't. Some people think you should hash it out b/c it was a result of something wrong in the M. Maybe someday I will want to talk about the OM, but I don't feel that it is necessary for us. Just wanted to drop that in b/c I think I know how she feels about not wanting to discuss him to you. Some partners want all the sorted details, but if you don't have to know.....please don't push her to tell you b/c it could be the end of your piecing. Just thought I would drop that in while I was thinking about it. Won't even charge you anything for that bit. (lol)

Sweetie, I know this piecing is so hard for you. Even though she and OM had a falling out or whatever.....she still will go through a period (I think) of .... well....missing him. Oh gosh, I know that sounds so horrible. I hope I am wrong and whatever happened was bad enough that she was totally turned off from him forever! Whether she misses "him" or just the "time or fun together" with him.....it all boils down to the adjustment she must make inside of herself and with you and the MR. Both of you have a lot of stuff going on inside of each other. You both have a lot of needs to be met, but it will take a long process....more for her than you.

I have to give my H credit for deserving the "Patient Husband of the Year Award" b/c he has earned it. Everything is still pressure for her, Lan. So, as long as you can stay upbeat and keep things fun without going for the sex.....she will probably come around. (That means you may have to take care of yourself to take the pressure off....but whatever works...right?) Even after I stopped grieving for the OM, I did not stop thinking about him at times.....I missed him in many ways. Mainly b/c we had this fun conversation together. Although we never met in real life, I looked forward to his humor and just funny conversations every day. He was like a friend, but he was an inappropriate friend for me b/c I was M.

So, keep it as fun and relaxed as possible for as long as you can. When she gets comfortable enough to start flirting with you.....that is a very good sign! But, just flirt back a little, you know....like testing the water and don't jump off into the deep end and expect sex that night...lol. Speaking of bedtime.....maybe if she knew that the two of you were just going to talk (not about R), but just light fun talk and kind of tease or play before going to sleep, she could relax and not be ready to bolt from the bed afraid you were wanting to have sex. Baby steps.....baby steps. Magic words.....b/c they work.

My H has a birthday coming up. Last year, I did not even buy him a card, cook a meal, buy a present.....nothing. This time last year was horrible for both of us. He had confronted me about the OM and I was almost ready to walk away....but I didn't. Thank God, I didn't. This year, my children will help me prepare a meal for him and we will all be together. I have already bought his gift and his card. He deserves more than what I got him, but I hope that I can just get back to the place I once was. He said he just wanted his Sandi back again.....and that is what I want for both of us.

A year to you probably sounds like an awful long time, but just think about how far you've come. You still have time, and now you have it together under the same roof. I don't know what her language of love is.....if you know...give her as much as you can (or that she will allow, depending on what her language is). I think my H's is acts of service and that is how he tries to show me his love for me.....but my love language is intimate conversation....which he doesn't know how to do very well. Bless his heart, I know he does things for me thinking I will really "respond" out of love actions toward him, but they don't mean near what the "words" I want to hear. I do appreciate his help and there are so many thing outdoors I wish he would take care of.....but we won't go there (lol).

Hope you have a good weekend, Lan. You are doing good sweetie. You have given good advice to others.....makes me proud! Continue to take care of yourself.....looking good, smelling good, acting all manly and sexy. You know how to do all that stuff without me telling ya! (lol)

Talk to you later.

Sandi

[Lanzo]

Hi Sandi,

I fully expect the reason W does not want to go to the party is because she doesn't want to be in that situation where all eyes are on her. You see while she was in full alien mode she avoided anyone who was likely to try and talk sense into her, and now that she has started to come round she's avoiding anyone who knows the full details of what's been going on, so thats my Mum, my sister, her girls, BIL (her brother) and his wife. I guess W does need more time to adjust, but I will let her know that this would mean a lot to us and our R to go to this party and would show that we were really piecing and not just playing at it. But I'm not gonna put any more pressure on her to go.

The funny thing though, is I am going for a night out next week with the new friends I made while on my GAL mission and when I told W where I was going and who I was going with, she go really excited and asked if she could join us. I'm not sure if she wants to keep an eye on me (cos they will be lots of gals at this club) or she just wants to enjoy time with the new outgoing me. But I'm fine about it we're going out as a couple and meeting up with the gang.

W's LL is quality time and she's getting lots of it. I now know that W wants me around her all the time, even when she's peed off with me. So when I moved out for 2 months she got angry, hurt and upset and took revenge by upping things with OM, but strangely enough she still wanted me to be close by her. Even when I returned home and she couldn't bear to be in the same room as me she still wanted me to be in the same house. So for W just having me around at the moment is more important to her than the sex.

I've been reading up on the importance of still flirting even though you've been married a while. W laughs and giggles at my flirting but she doesn't flirt back, I just think she enjoys the fact that she has my full attention. Example, W now laughs at the fact that I found her a sleep on the "pot" and had to put her to bed, she has told her friends about it too. W asks me why I removed her underwear before putting her to bed and I told her I just wanted to have a look at what I'd been missing and she just said "Awwh that's nice".

Night time there's no pressure on W for sex, she know I want it and she can feel my aroused state but she just happy to snuggle up to me. It's quite ironic that at the start of the year I just put my hand on her shoulder and she nearly jumped out of the bed, now I'm practically wrapped around her when we fall asleep and she's very happy with that.

The OM thin still bugs me a little bit but I feel his presence less. I think W had to distance herself from me to be with him, and I have to admit I felt that distance in the last two years when she said he was gone (but apparently not). Now I can feel W getting closer, and her keenness to do family things for the 3 of us shows me OM is further away but maybe not gone. It would be nice to hear some words to say that he is gone but I'm not gonna push for it.

Lan

[Dr LOve]

Lan,

sorry for butting in but I just read what sandi wrote to you and wanted to thank her. I felt like she was talking to me. Very inspiring. Good luck in you stich. it sounds like you and I are pretty close in a time line here.
We can remind each other Baby steps baby steps

good luck buddy

Dr LOve

[cw68]

Hey Forrest/GFI

W has indicated that she would rather lay naked in bed with me rather than go to this party, so I'm not going to make too much of an issue over it now.

Well then lay naked with her in bed and skip the party.

[sandi2]

Lan, just how important is this family party to you? I know you really wanted your W to go in order to show the family you were piecing the M back together, but my thinking is this.....if her LL is "quality time" and she really wants you to be with her....how do you think she would feel if you skipped the party to stay with her....or better yet, the two of you go out for a special dinner? You would be choosing her over your entire family.....and she would know that, and I personally think it would earn you some brownie points!!

My H never put me before his family....at least that is how I felt. If he had done what I just suggested to you, I would have been in hog heaven. Then by the next family gathering, things would be stronger between you two and she would feel better equipped to attend.

If you need to take a gift, you could go early to leave it and then go back to take wife out to dinner and a movie. Just my two cents worth, but I wish you would really think it over.

Husbands don't realize the pressure they place on the wife when she is returning home. They don't mean to......but it does. I also think that her meeting your new friends would be a good idea.....if there is not a lot of flirting between all the friends, b/c that could lead to problems. If there is flirting, dancing with other women, etc......you best stay home with your wife!

Sandi

[Forrest Gump]

I really did not want this to become a controversy in your relationship.

While I agree with Sandi on some of her points I felt I made it pretty clear it had to be casual. No "Emotion". If she is dead set on not going by all means drop it. I could just see where she may thinks she wants to go but just isnt sure how to "dive back in".

I can't see where it hurts to let her know you want her there.

I can see doing the party and then maybe leaving the D with a family member then going with wife and new friends, or just wife somewhere.

Please don't over analyze the situation.

You are there we are here. You have a more accurate gauge. Remember I said casual, creative. Nothing more, Nothing less.

[fb2]

Lan, I don't know where the term "piecing" comes from but lives are shattered by the breakup. My wife blames me for the loss of her "religion and culture" which translates to the fact that she does not feel welcome where she went before. Friends, neighbors, relatives, kids take up their battle positions. I think W has to work her way back on all these other fronts; same fear, quilt, shame, ... So besides massing troops just North of the border to keep Lan at bay she's got some on West, East and South as well.