update.. We recieved several results from grad school. So far.. no good news. He is crashed and very frustrated. I have been supportive and listening to him. I have been thinking about 'what if' he will not get in to grad school. Many thoughts in my head.. Maybe good if he does not get in.. He will have full time job and more time for kids.. less crazy life style.. If bad, more money for himself, will not be the job he want... I don't know I don't know I don't know..... I think his frustrationg is taking over me.
Beauty
Me:31 H:29 D:7 S:2 M:7y Together:8y found out his A :07/07 bomb:11/01/07 s: 11/15/07 OW-1 is out of state; other female friends around first thread
Beauty, I know it can be tough getting into grad school depending upon the degree. If he doesn't make it, he can try again. In the meantime, he can get a job in his field, or something related. Getting experience is very important.
thank you for checking up on me. Yesterday, we decided to do 'easter eggs' as family. It was really fun! All of us had funky color fingers, shirts, floors and just everywhere (and eggs..)! I am glad we did something positive and led kids have a good time.
Last night, I had great time with my friends. I visited them and had lots of drinks. Just good time with girls and I fell asleep on her couch until 9am! I felt like 'bad teenager' LOL.
H.. he is pretty quiet not talking about serious things. seems really frustrated with his life. I think I have to give him space and think about his life.
I don't think I am doing LRT well. 180 and GAL are just too much for me at this point.
I wish I know how he feels about me. Does it mean anything for him that I have been supportive or still love him ? I feel like it has not improved at all (only 4 months since separation but seems like very long time)
Me:31 H:29 D:7 S:2 M:7y Together:8y found out his A :07/07 bomb:11/01/07 s: 11/15/07 OW-1 is out of state; other female friends around first thread
Beauty, Another weekend is upon us... Hope you're doing ok.
I'm sure somewhere your H still feels your love. Remember, what he is going through is not about you. It's about him and whatever problems he's trying to work through (which could be a MLC. Have you given that any thought?)
Joie~~ Yes.. another weekend.. but this weekend SHOULD BE better than last a few weekend. In-laws, H, kids and I are going to a dinner party (every year since two years ago) and we will have a good time. I am not sure if H will sit down with me but I think it will be interesting to see what he will do (he always sit with me at family events so far..)
MLC.. yes, I do think something like it. He acts like 16 years old. Good thing he does not have money! no car, no money to OW, no credit card. I read one book about MLC and it was mostly about older male.
My emotion is all over the place. One day, I cannot do nothing but cry and another day, I smile after small good thing happen (including when H is in good mood) H is in Spring break from today so.. he will spend good long time with kids. BTW he does not have a part time job yet.
Hope your weekend is great for you! Thank you for stopping by. It is great feeling to have your support!
Beauty
Me:31 H:29 D:7 S:2 M:7y Together:8y found out his A :07/07 bomb:11/01/07 s: 11/15/07 OW-1 is out of state; other female friends around first thread
Well, this is my first response to anything on this website. Just started looking at it last week. Here is some history:
I am not familiar with some of the symbols, but hope I get it right. M 42 H 39 Dated: 2 years M:17 years D:17 years D:15 years D:13 years Having an emotional if not physical affair with someone since 9/07 or 10/07 (unsure of dates now). Admitted to it on 3/6/07 after me snooping for several months and confronting him several times.
I work nightshift and he works dayshift. He is from another state. He has always wanted to move back to his home state where we lived for 4 years after we married. I have always waivered on moving back because honestly I really didn't like it and there were some issues with his family that i preferred not to deal with. My family is complete opposite, stays out of our business is non-demanding. His family is more loving, but also more nosy and can be intrusive. I couldn't deal with it when we lived there. As the kids got older I felt like moving was wrong because it would hurt them. He never felt like this and felt like they would get over it. He also does not like the fact that I work nightshift and that he works dayshift. Even as teenagers, I feel that I need to be home during the day and right after school with the girls b/c of their age, afterschool activities, homework, etc. He never felt like this was necessary and as the girls got older he started to recent me working nightshift. Of course we have grown apart. He now blames me for our emotional separation b/c of the above reasons. I just happened to chance on the phone calls from the EA while looking at the cell phone bill for another reason. My husband is loving and kind and we have always been able to have meaningful and deep conversations, not to say that this has not went to the wayside when "life gets in the way" like everyday activities. Since he admitted to the EA on 3-6, only after being pinned in the corner and had no other alternative, he said that he would like to separate. He had told me a couple of times after accusing him of affair over the past few months that he was unhappy and that he would like to leave. The night of the bomb, he told me that if he had the "kahonas" he would already have left. Financially him leaving would be devastating to say the least. Even though I make more money than him and also carry the insurance, our daily living is dependent on his money. I told him this, but I also know that he should want to stay and not feel like he is made to stay. We had a really long talk and he said that he felt good about our talk and would see what happened even though he does not think that our marriage is salvageable. He has not moved out, yet. We spent the weekend together, talked and everything was not great, but not better. I should also mention that since the initial confrontation about the phone calls and him telling me why he is unhappy, I have been using the DB techniques and I did see some improvement in our relationship even though he continued to have EA. He even admitted that he could tell that I was trying to change and that it did make him feel better about our relationship. He does feel like it is a little too late and that maybe I should have shown more interest earlier in our marriage. Anyway, since the bomb on 3-6, my life has been a parade of emotions. I have not cried much, but a few times. Mainly I am sick to my stomach and cannot eat. I have lost 10 pounds in a week. My family has been sick with the flu this week and it has been very hard to keep my emotions in check b/c I have been trapped at home and cannot seek out things to help myself outside of the house, like going out with friends, working out, etc. I have been keeping a journal and have been reading Michele's divorce remedy book and focusing on the section of infidelity. I was confused and upset on 3-11 and 3-12, so I called the DB counseling line and spoke with Jodi. She seems to feel that H is a walk-away spouse. I am not sure that I am ready to completely try the last resort technique and I am not sure that we are at last resort except that he seemed very sincere when he said that he wanted to separate, he did not mention divorce. I was told to remain consistent, but do not confront and stay away from relationship talks where I am the center of the conversation. I was told not to initiate sex. My H and I are still having regular sex, I feel like this is the right thing for now even though if he is having physical relationsip with EA, then I do feel a little ill when having relations with him. I guess my biggest concern is, am I doing the right things? I do feel like since I talked with counselor and have a plan that he has responded some, I am not sure if it is b/c of my actions or if he would have done it anyway. He is still talking to EA. That is the part that makes me physically ill. I have resolved to not look at phone records and know whether they are speaking or not. If they are talking, then it seems to negate the positive things that may be happening in our relationship. He has always told me that he loves me up until 3-13 and he has not said it since. I am not saying it. He has also consistently had his wedding ring off and sometimes on since the bomb night. I am getting mixed messages from him and I am sure that he is confused. He calls me daily 3-4 times. Our conversations are good, not relationship centered. Sometimes he will mention his "nerves" or how he doesn't seem to care about some of the things that he care so much about in the past, such as coaching softball.
So, I know that this is a really long story, but I feel better just writing it. I have talked to several friends and I think that most of them are in awe that I am so determined to save this marriage. I am not angry (most of the time), just in pain.
If anyone would like to reply to me and give me some advice that would be great. I am having a hard time keeping my distance and giving him space. I have not mentioned the lost "I love yous" or the fact that his wedding ring is missing most of the time, even though I am dying to blurt it out. I have always been able to express my emotions to my H when I needed to and he has always responded. It is very difficult to not continue with this expression even though I know that this not the right thing to do right now. I have been taking some time off work, mostly for my mental health, but i guess b/c I want to be close to H too, I also know that this may backfire, but at one time that was one of his needs, for me to be there in the evening times with him. I am not sure if it is his need now. He seems to like it?? I am not sure sometimes, I just hang out with my kids, do housework and watch tv when I take time off. I do not mention going out with him or doing anything by ourselves. I do want to mention the night after the bomb, he and I went out by ourselves to dinner at his insistence even though he wasn't feeling well and had the flu.
Thanks for listening to me everyone, I hope you can get through my very long story. Hope to hear from someone!!
This is my first post on this website. I read through your thread and just wanted to reach out to you and give you some additional virtual support. You seem like the most amazing woman -- so amazing that I think if you were to successfully do a 180, you would have to act like a moron (hope that makes sense).
You will be in my thoughts. I know you will be OK no matter what. Your children are so lucky to have such a strong and spunky mom. You are an inspiration to me.
Hope your dinner party went well.
girlfromipanema
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Beauty, I hope the dinner party went well. Let us know!
I know we all understand the crying one day and smiling the next ... it's truly an emotional roller coaster. I read something interesting on another forum that the person who care the least is in control of the relationship. Isn't that the truth! But that's where DB helps us all out.
Welcome to girlfromipanema.
Also to yrrn18. You may want to start your own thread. I did same thing when I first posted but quickly learned that everyone has their own thread. You'll get one-on-one response that way. It's great that you spoke to a DB coach. The DB-way is something you learn. But it does work. Be the person he wants to be with. He also sounds depressed...
