I know exactly how your W feels. I don't know if I mentioned it to you, but I left my H (or tried to) when our first child was about a year old.....it lasted all of one week and I got sort of pushed into going back to him. Anyway....long story. But, immediately, he wanted to go to his mom's house and I knew the entire large family/relatives would be there. I hated it and knew how they felt toward me for leaving their precious (my H). But, I knew I would have to face the music sooner or later, so I went to get it over with. Nobody said anything to me, but I never felt so ill at ease in my life! I felt like every eye in the place was on me at all times. He told me he wouldn't leave my side, but I guess he forgot, b/c he did. It was not pleasant for me at all.
My suggestion would be that you leave her alone....this first time. Give her more time to adjust. If the subject does come up anyway, please assure her that you will not leave her side and when she is ready to go to give you the signal and you two are out of there. This would be an opportunity to show your protectiveness over her (but not smothering). Plus it should get the message over to the relatives where you stand with your W! However, once you are back home.....don't continue to do the same action as you did at the party. Give her some space time. She may or may not be ready to be all over you. The stress may be so much she will be ready to collaspe. Just let her call the shots. You know her well enough to read her signals. Do make an effort to tell her how proud you are of her and that you know it was not easy for her to go. Let her know that it meant a lot to you for her to do that. It may or may not lead up to more meaningful conversation. You threw the ball into her court, if she wants to talk more, she will throw it back to you.....so back and forth until you know when the cutting off place comes. Don't let it get negative.
BTW, I told my H that I never wanted us to talk about my OM. He said he did not ever have to mention him again......and he hasn't. Some people think you should hash it out b/c it was a result of something wrong in the M. Maybe someday I will want to talk about the OM, but I don't feel that it is necessary for us. Just wanted to drop that in b/c I think I know how she feels about not wanting to discuss him to you. Some partners want all the sorted details, but if you don't have to know.....please don't push her to tell you b/c it could be the end of your piecing. Just thought I would drop that in while I was thinking about it. Won't even charge you anything for that bit. (lol)
Sweetie, I know this piecing is so hard for you. Even though she and OM had a falling out or whatever.....she still will go through a period (I think) of .... well....missing him. Oh gosh, I know that sounds so horrible. I hope I am wrong and whatever happened was bad enough that she was totally turned off from him forever! Whether she misses "him" or just the "time or fun together" with him.....it all boils down to the adjustment she must make inside of herself and with you and the MR. Both of you have a lot of stuff going on inside of each other. You both have a lot of needs to be met, but it will take a long process....more for her than you.
I have to give my H credit for deserving the "Patient Husband of the Year Award" b/c he has earned it. Everything is still pressure for her, Lan. So, as long as you can stay upbeat and keep things fun without going for the sex.....she will probably come around. (That means you may have to take care of yourself to take the pressure off....but whatever works...right?) Even after I stopped grieving for the OM, I did not stop thinking about him at times.....I missed him in many ways. Mainly b/c we had this fun conversation together. Although we never met in real life, I looked forward to his humor and just funny conversations every day. He was like a friend, but he was an inappropriate friend for me b/c I was M.
So, keep it as fun and relaxed as possible for as long as you can. When she gets comfortable enough to start flirting with you.....that is a very good sign! But, just flirt back a little, you know....like testing the water and don't jump off into the deep end and expect sex that night...lol. Speaking of bedtime.....maybe if she knew that the two of you were just going to talk (not about R), but just light fun talk and kind of tease or play before going to sleep, she could relax and not be ready to bolt from the bed afraid you were wanting to have sex. Baby steps.....baby steps. Magic words.....b/c they work.
My H has a birthday coming up. Last year, I did not even buy him a card, cook a meal, buy a present.....nothing. This time last year was horrible for both of us. He had confronted me about the OM and I was almost ready to walk away....but I didn't. Thank God, I didn't. This year, my children will help me prepare a meal for him and we will all be together. I have already bought his gift and his card. He deserves more than what I got him, but I hope that I can just get back to the place I once was. He said he just wanted his Sandi back again.....and that is what I want for both of us.
A year to you probably sounds like an awful long time, but just think about how far you've come. You still have time, and now you have it together under the same roof. I don't know what her language of love is.....if you know...give her as much as you can (or that she will allow, depending on what her language is). I think my H's is acts of service and that is how he tries to show me his love for me.....but my love language is intimate conversation....which he doesn't know how to do very well. Bless his heart, I know he does things for me thinking I will really "respond" out of love actions toward him, but they don't mean near what the "words" I want to hear. I do appreciate his help and there are so many thing outdoors I wish he would take care of.....but we won't go there (lol).
Hope you have a good weekend, Lan. You are doing good sweetie. You have given good advice to others.....makes me proud! Continue to take care of yourself.....looking good, smelling good, acting all manly and sexy. You know how to do all that stuff without me telling ya! (lol)
Talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
