I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

I haven't had any contact with H in over two weeks. He usually stops by the house once a week or so when I am not home to get his mail, but now it is piling up. I think he is on vacation, maybe on a cruise. I want to take Evie's suggestion and send a text msg, but I hesitate. I have been debating this for a couple of days - which seems pitiful to me. I realized yesterday how effectively he has silenced me. In our M, he did not want to deal with things. He would avoid conflict. He would not tell me what mattered to him. He would not respond to what mattered to me. I would fight and persist to try get resolution. It got me no where. He totally withdrew. Now, he has succeeded in completely shutting me up - to the point where I don't even feel able to reach out a friendly hand.

I can't see any solutions for me to work toward. I think the best I can do is last resort stuff - pack his things up and tell him to come get them. Try to put him out of my head completely. Which is so hard - I still go to sleep sad and wake up sad everyday. I try not to dwell, I try to be positive and focus on myself - but when you wake up with this heaviness it is hard to start the day. I am just so disappointed in how this is all turning out and haven't convinced myself that whatever happens is for the best. I haven't felt happy in a really long time - I will know that I am starting to heal when I can feel glad about something.

Well, this is a big long pity party. I get sick of myself. But, I went to a separated/divorce seminar the other night and one of the facilitators mentioned getting to a point where he felt that way - so maybe it is normal. I'm not sure if the support group (it's a 13 week seminar at a church) is going to be right for me or not, but I am going to go again next week.