H moved out after year sep....please help me cope

[enlightenbylife]

Please, please..... I need some advice on what to do to get past the initial shock of H moving out.

H is in MLC....(past posts are in the MLC forum)

Although we have been seperated for a year and to be honest this is going to be the only way we can get back together, this is really breaking my heart.

I feel as though I can't breathe...I feel like the initial bomb all over again except I knew this was coming.

((((DH))) you have been a sweetheart and for that I thank you.

[minkerman]

Sorry, I'm confused. You said you are trying to get past the 'initial shock' of him moving out. But you say you have been separated for a year.

To me, 'separated' means someone has moved out. Was he a live-in separated husband?

I feel for you, however it is...separation is no fun.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((E))))))

Guess you knew I'd read this!

The only advice I've got for the short term is to really focus on taking care of yourself for now. There will be time to worry about what's to come later.

[enlightenbylife]

Hi MM

Yes we have been legally seperated but living in the same house.

It did not work for us as the old wounds were just opening up again and again.

Just looking at me was a reminder to him about what he had done.

We need to physically move apart to heal.

This is what is going on now

E

[minkerman]

That may be the best thing for you guys. It sure was for my wife and I. There is no way we would have made as much progress as we have, if we had been under the same roof.

But, everyone is different...

[cat03]

apparently the separated under the same roof was a cheeseless tunnel, for 12 mths all remain the same or got worse, so perhaps this physical S is for the best. There is sucha thing as being too close to the sitch. Use this time wisely to not do more of the same that wasn't working.
Having your H there physically didnt help to bring him back emotionally, my H and i were sleeping separately for 6mths, he was not willing to change anything nor work on the M, he was there but not there.

I pray that your S is for the best, for both of you to grow and to make the right decisions.

[new_attitude]

(((e)))
I know this is a terrible time for you. I was in the same place last August, when my h moved out. I was just devastated, but now I can see that it has been good for him to move out. It was also good for me to have some time away from him when he was in that "alien" stage. Now things are slowly improving, although I'm a little scared to even type that here.

Try to use this time to focus on yourself. Make two lists of goals- one for yourself and one for your R. Post them here and we will try to keep you honest or maybe just keep nagging you about them Hang in there, you WILL get through this!

[enlightenbylife]

Thanks(((cat))) and (((na)))

Cat Love the cheese ...hate the tunnels. I too believe this will be a good move...as soon as he does!!!!

He has been working on his place and since it has been raining he really can't move his furniture in!!!!

Hard to bite my tongue, tape my hands, smile and over all act " as if"...but i'm the better person...right?????

NA When I asked H to please move everything out at once instead
of dribbles and drabs he said o.k. He has stuff to do in the house and it's not healthy for him and (besides I'm not an Ogre not yet anyway )

Went to councellor yesterday morning and to a new support group last night.

Got a lot of good information from both but was emotionally exhausted....

Sooooo I'm going to try to apply my new knowledge starting today...

O.K. NA, I'm going to give this a shot....
I'm really nervous but here goes.....

goals for me------> find me again
relax and don't walk on eggshells around H
try not to cry around H (hehates this)
take care of me

goals for R-------> let lawyer handle things
no R talks about ANYTHING!
act "as if"
sit on hands, shut mouth
Listen, listen listen!

Please feel free to add as necessary... All input welcome as I am all over the place with this

E

[new_attitude]

Hi e!
Great start on the goals! I think you need to be a little more specific though.

goals for me------> find me again
relax and don't walk on eggshells around H
try not to cry around H (hehates this)
take care of me

How will you know that you have found yourself, that you're relaxed and that you feel taken care of? What can you do specifically to find yourself again, take care of yourself, etc.? Here's where the GAL activities come into play- write down exactly what you want to do (i.e. research classes, sign up for photography class, buy equipment, etc.) and refer back to it often. It really helps.

goals for R-------> let lawyer handle things
no R talks about ANYTHING!
act "as if"
sit on hands, shut mouth
Listen, listen listen!

These are good short-term R goals. Do you want your R to improve? If so, I think you should try to come up with some longer-term goals for the R, including signs that will let you know when it's better. I hope this helps.
Hugs,

[enlightenbylife]

((((NA))))

Will you please come stay at my house

I need someone to be my yes and ears and to keep me on the straight path.

Kidding, about the moving in...but really thanks for helping me out!

me
---->it's good to come to these boards but sometimes I need to pick up a book instead therefore GAL without H as the main focus
---->enrolled in my support group although I was scared to death because I had never reached out so far to other people therefore 1) meeting new people 2) sharing my experiences in hopes of helping others positive feedback for me
---->get back to my passions, cuddling puppy,stop nagging kids, sewing,putsing around the back yard
---->laughing and putting a positive spin on things ( really hard but doable)



R (long term)
---->be happy around H but not excited, that would be too phony he will be able to spot that a mile away. Happy friendly and cordial. He will respond with the same. Even when he feels angry I will listen but not raise my voice, eventually he will respond with the same
--->always look awesome, not that I didn't always take care of myself but now it will be inside and out. H is bound to respond to this.Happy attracts happy...right?


Am I on the right track with this NA?

Can you help me with some ideas?

E