No one to turn to- 2

[B-Strong]

Sandi-

I agree with the others that hearing your side of the WAW story is very insightful to us LBS's! I'm certainly not trying to hijack this thread, but would you mind sharing a few of the things your H did during your MLC that helped? I see what you are saying about the snooping, that even though it doesn't connect logically at times, it still feels like betrayal to the MLC S. But what did your H do (or not do) that made you feel you could still try to work out your M???

Thanks for your honesty and willingness to open up about this- it sure helps those of us who are on the other side...

[addie]

Hi Everyone,
I'm back! I had family visiting for several days. It was really great for the PMA. Of course I had to share some details about my sitch since H is no longer living here.
During this time I went dark (after a major backslide) and had no contact with H for a week. He emailed me once and left a voice mail on my cell but I didn't respond. It was mainly about S11 but we had discussed all of it before I went dark so I didn't feel the need to respond.

During the period of darkness, I realized a couple of things: 1) I was busy and didn't have much time to miss H 2)I really need to get back to the very full life I left behind.
I have come to a decision that S and I will soon??? be moving back to my hometown where I have a job, family and friends. It will be much easier to move forward with my life. I'm not sure how I'll continue to DB when I'm a few thousand miles away but at the same time I know I have to detach and worry about myself and S. The move here was a trial move. I now have nothing to hold me here. H also thinks it's a good idea that I move back with S (possibly because he'll feel less guilt to continue OR if I'm not around). However, I know that I can't worry about his reasons - I have to do what is best for myself and S.
Yesterday was our anniversary. I was fine most of the day trying not to think about it. H came by in the evening to be with S while I went to my course. We were civil with each other. He left soon after I got back. Neither one of us mentioned the anniversary.

I'll try to catch up on your posts when I get a chance.

[stella_k]

((((((Addie!))))))))

It's good to have you back!

Great decision, moving back to your hometown. Do you have any idea how soon?

[addie]

Thanks Stella, it's good to be back with all of you. I missed the support and everyone's words of wisdom.

I haven't decided exactly when but possibly by the end of April. I'll be going away with S for a few days after Easter and it may become clearer to me then.

[Kalni]

addie,

take your time, don't rush into any big decisions unless you are pretty much sure about it. Having the strength to think about moving back home, away from him really shows a lot about your attitude... I am happy for you,

K

[addie]

Kalni thanks for stopping by. I've been thinking about this for a long time.

I moved away for H - because he wasn't happy with his employment situation (never has been although he's had different jobs, has moved away to work, etc). I, on the otherhand, was very happy with my life but also wanted to make him happy. I really have nothing holding me here. If I were to stay here, it would only be for H. He would be very aware of that and it would seem like I was just waiting around for him.
I truly have to let go and move forward with my life and this is the best way to do that. I need to work as pretty soon the financial resources will be depleted. I have a very good job/career that I left behind which I can return to in a few months. I will also be able to really GAL. I have friends and a lot of family who will support me. I need to work out the logistics of moving back but this is also what H wants. He has told me this.

[addie]

Yesterday afternoon H called and left a message on my cell (I actually didn't hear the cell). He asked if he could come by in the evening to watch hockey game with S on TV. When I got home he had also left the same message on the answering machine. Originally he was only coming by on Sunday to do something with S. I didn't call back right away. H said he was going to bring over some baking that he had done for a bake sale the previous day and proceeded to tell me how busy he had been with work and the preparations for the sale.
He arrived with several different types of treats that he had made. (It's the first time in weeks he's done anything nice for me.) I was in a good mood - I had a glass of wine with dinner; S and I were listening to music, singing along. There was something different about H's demeanor (glimpses of old H, not the alien). H asked what we had for dinner and I said he could help himself to some. He poured himself some wine and had dinner. While he was eating, I got a call from my sister and I was very upbeat on the phone (H didn't know who I was talking to but eventually did figure it out).
I had some of the treats H brought over and I commented on how good they were. H then went to lie down on the sofa with S and fell asleep for a couple of hours. He woke up when S was going to bed. H did some organizing of his papers for his taxes. I caught him staring at our screensaver for a while (a picture of the 3 of us) and then also going through a mini album with baby pictures of S.
I went into the bedroom to read. H soon comes in and lies down at the foot of the bed. He starts to talk about our sitch. The first thing he asked me is what did I tell my sister when she was visiting. I said he left because he was involved with someone else - he stared at me for a while. He said he doesn't see himself in any long term relationship that is not sustainable (whatever that means). He then went on to say that he understands my anger but he doesn't know what the future holds for us. He asked about my plans for Spring Break. I told him I was taking S away for a few days. He also asked about my intentions afterwards. I told him I planned on moving back to our hometown but not sure when - we had already discussed this before. We had a chat about non R things and then he left. It was a nice talk. I mainly listened and didn't say too much.

He's coming by this afternoon to spend time with S.

[W2G]

Hi Addie,

Sounds like you had a really nice time.. and you handled the R talk great. I like that he lingered over the family photo and baby pictures of your son.. Sometimes I think the WA's really shut out the good times of the past.. so the fact that he happened upon the screen saver and then actually sought out the baby pictures of your son sounds great to me!

W2G

[JenInVen]

Addie, What a very interesting day for you. How do you feel about it? Keep us posted on how today goes.

Jen

[addie]

W2G and Jen, thanks for your support - it's good to get other people's views.

I feel the evening went well. Like I said before, H was more like his normal self, although sad. I usually find that once we have a "good" evening, he then goes back into his tunnel and becomes the alien again: very distant, beaty eyes, guilt ridden. As for myself, I find that I develop certain expectations for our R and then I backslide when he withdraws again. I know I have to prepare myself for this as my backslides have been detrimental to our sitch.

H has mentioned several times that he doesn't see himself in a R that is unsustainable (referring to OR) yet he has really pursued OW. Any thoughts?