Woog, I know you would, but you just want the hotel so you can eat room service and TM your G27....
No honestly I know what you are saying but I am not that brave. I am feeling like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh today, insecure and afraid of my own shadow. Taking a stand against H and what that represents is something I have NEVER really done before which is probably how I got in this mess.....
Sunday before he left we kissed, hugged, he said ILY to me a few different times, we went on that date Saturday night, he called ME (not the kids) Sun, Mon and Tues nights. Then I go and send him practically a dear john letter on Wed.
I know it had to be done b/c he could do all those wonderful things and still be w/OW, still be lying to me and having life both ways. But I am afraid that things were improving (he threw out the one phone and showed me the other one), and I killed it. I know it is stupid to feel this way but I do. That is probably why I always buried my head in the sand, b/c I was afraid if I rocked the boat one of us would fall overboard, permanently...
Don't worry I am not going to call or text him and say my letter was a mistake. I can't undo what I have done now, it says in the DR book (plus duh it is common sense) that if you issue an ultimatum and then back out of it, the H (or W) will totally lose respect for you and never believe you again when it comes to taking a stand, you lose all credibility. So I am standing by what I said, it is all true anyway.
Just read Kalni's posting and I totally agree, I want my H to come back to me b/c he LOVES ME, not b/c I talked him into it, guilted him into it, pressured him into it, etc. But I still want H to come back to me and I have no control over that. I know I need to focus on ME and I am managing to take care of the kids, find a new job, etc. all while dealing with this crazy mess. But still at the end of the day, even after writing him that I can't be with him anymore, I really really really want my H back.
(I will wear a helmet when I check back in b/c I can FEEL the 2x4s being launched even as we speak)
No 2x4's here. I really believe you are doing the right thing. He has to figure out on his own how to get back in the boat and prove through his actions over time that he is going to stay in the boat. He needs to know that you are not going to be there for him indefinitely and it is up to him and him only to prove his love and dedication for you.
The hard part for you will be when he tries to get back too soon. You probably should come up with some time frame and a definition of what you would consider a reformed and committed Dan. He probably needs to know that this is not something he can just come back to in a weeks time.
No 2X4s here. Only you know what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to accept / forgive. In the outside world, the evidence you present is overwhelming and I would wager that 9 of 10 people would tell you to walk and don't look back. However, we are on the DB board and have a little more experience (unfortunately). You know the reasons why you want to hang on to your spouse. In my case a big reason is D7. I still can not believe nor imagine what she will go through. She does not deserve this.
Thanks Kerry! I hate feeling like this, like I am pinning all my hopes on whether or not a "man" wants me or not. But he isn't just any man, he is my husband and the father of my children, I really hurt more for them even than for me. Today is just a "down" day for me because it sucks when you can't have what you want, and it doesn't matter how hard you try since it isn't up to you.
But I know I need to do this, I need to draw my line, I need to have my standards, I need to have my strength and convictions or I am not showing myself respect, so how can I get it from anybody else??
I don't want my daughter to learn from me that it is okay to settle....Kerry I like the idea of picturing what a committed, dedicated, reliable Dan would look like. Even if things don't work out I should have that picture for anyone I would ever let share my life with me and my kids........
I haven't contacted H since my last post which is good b/c the way I have been feeling it would be more of the flirting with an undercurrent of neediness which he SO does not need to get from me right now...
Thanks for your words. I am with you concerning my kids. I would almost stay with H (if he agreed to stay) indefinitely if it meant raising our kids together and letting them enjoy childhood with a mom and dad together. But I say ALMOST b/c without change it wouldn't work that way. H would wind up in the same patterns, angry a lot, Mommy would be crying and sad a lot. And the kids would thus be on edge a lot. Not a happy childhood picture either. So although I am wanting this to work out for my kids (and honestly for me too), I know I have to have boundaries, limits, and expectations, too, so that they have the best childhood possible under these circumstances. And I can't say right now what that will be......
SOOO Glad It is Friday. I had been doing really well for a few weeks until I found out about OW last Thursday. This week has felt a lot like that first week in Nov. when I caught them. Not as much emotional pain as then b/c I have been through it already, but my mind is racing again. I am at work but I am not REALLY at work, if you know what I mean. I am thinking, thinking, thinking about what/where/when/how/why to handle my M. And at this point I know I have done my part and there isn't a lot I can do for my M except be strong. But that doesn't make my mind stop spinning---there is an old country song, "Stop the World and Let me Off". I would like 3 or 4 days "off" right now just to sleep and rest and get myself together without the worries of a job, kids, house, etc. Oh, yes, but I AM at work, aren't I? So I better try to do SOME....
my friend, I will not get tired telling you this : YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!! HE LEFT YOU WITH NO OTHER OPTION. You have to try fighting for your family in an other way, what you were doing so far brought you here... (I mean being forgiving etc etc with no boundaries). He needs to start respecting you and so far he hasn't. Because you did not respect yourself. Hang on to what you really want from him, not some part of him...
No Kalni, that was support for me when I needed it! Thanks!
I waver mentally just because I DO love H, and I know from hearing his mom (she has told me 2 or 3 times how he has been crying at their place) that he IS hurting.....but I would be hurting him more by letting him continue to get by with what he is/has been doing. He needs better for HIMSELF, not just for me.
And he says he is so lost, well if he has been telling me that for weeks, and FEELING that way for months or longer, then he needs to HELP HIMSELF! When I was overweight after having 2 babies, I went to a weight loss center and exercised. When I drank too much and partied too much in college, I went to the counselor and cleaned up my act in a matter of days, not weeks or months....and when I was unhappy with ME a few months ago, I signed up for Ind. Counseling right away, I didn't wait for things to get better on their own. He is so capable in so many ways, he can be capable at this, too if he chooses to be. That is what I need to remember. I already told Kalni this a while ago, it is time for H to do the heavy lifting. Or not, if he chooses not..........
Either way it is out of my control so I am trying to find the switch for that part of my brain.....it needs a break!
BobbiJo- I actually like what you did too! I think he has gotten so used to living the way he was/is that a reminder that you are still alive was a good thing!
The thing that strikes me is that you letter wasn't at all a Dear John, it was a roadmap of what needs to be done to rebuild yur marriage. So, let him think on it, and you be still for a while! And congrats on the job!
You be still for awhile! (I need that tattooed somewhere so I can see it all the time--maybe on my hand so I see it when I reach for the phone or e-mail) What a simple, but good, approach. I tend to be a pendulum, if I am not running toward saving the M I am pushing it into the ditch. Can't I just be still!?! Limbo never was my favorite game....
Anyway thanks for the support. I will do my best to be still. Let H do the lifting like I have already said. I will be so impressed if I do that since it is so hard for me. But I know it is necessary, this is too important to backslide or backpedal...
