Already Gone

[Rob1231]

Hi Mark,

First, you were there - I wasn't. But let me float a different possible interpretation of her side of the conversation.

First, I know her very well, and she is absolutely paralyzed with fear.

On this, we agree. I saw it with my own W. A MLC is a time when all of their future paths look like dead ends, and every choice looks like a trap. They may try to tell themselves that parts of it (OP) are rosy - but deep down inside, part of them knows that's crap and that they are failing, failing, failing.

She is looking to me for aid and comfort. She wants me to work with her... yet she is making it difficult for me to see her as somebody I would want to help (cheating on me, not paying, etc).

I suspect that she is expecting aid and comfort, as much as hoping for acquiescence. Sure, her life would be SOOOO much easier if you would just "go along with the inevitable."

Second, She is under the mistaken notion that these things go along without any disagreement. She is wrong, wrong, wrong. Although I am far from an expert, even a "same-side-of-the-table" divorce (called a dissolution in Ohio) is not without disagreement.

Sure, more deluded, wishful thinking that the LBS will buy into the WAS Master Plan, will go along with it "amicably." Suuuuure.

Third, IMO, the offer to help with the house was nothing more than throwing guilt at me. See, if she can help me with things, it becomes less likely that I will tell anybody of her infidelity. However, if she isn't helping me today, I just don't see her helping me at all tomorrow.

On this one, I have to wonder.

The cliche is "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore." I think the WAS's really do mean that when they say it - all of it. My W was just completely ripped apart by guilt at what she was doing to me, and to our D. It didn't change her actions - but there was a heaping helping of self-loathing that came with them. I suspect your W's offer of the house was probably legit at some level - done in hopes of soothing her own guilt as much as anything.

Fourth, her focus is on things. My focus is on the kids. I would give away everything I own for the kids to not have to go through this. Yet her focus is on finances (well, really on herself - see above).

Well, you didn't really finish the conversation, did you? It's possible she started with the "easy stuff" - like a newspaper subscription - to feel you out before she stuck her neck out about what REALLY mattered to her - her children. And in light of how badly the "easy stuff" went - she panicked and fled in tears.

Fifth, her walking out shows me that she is confused. Very confused. Her plan is blowing up in her face (isn't it supposed to be easier than this? Pay a lawyer, sign a few papers, and BAM!!).

Absolutely. Confused, depressed, trapped, and utterly lost. Facing a husband who not only isn't going along with The Master Plan, but who clearly is going to fight against it.

I'm not siding with her - she screwed up and she continues to screw up. She's stubbornly marching down a road that is destructive to herself and her family - knowing it's going to really, truly suck, every step of the way.