Hey WCW, lol - maybe you should be part of the museum exhibit
Don't know if W has gone to doc or not.
Came across an interesting article about R - I know, still trying to let go. Anyway, I think it describes me and W better than others:
Quote:
People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words. The harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well, boring. So your focus on your appearance or your desperate attempts to please your partner completely miss the point.
Here are five warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair.
1. You don't challenge each other
Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude is condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.
2. You and your partner have morphed into one
Getting married does not mean becoming two people with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. If your partner is not allowed to have a life of his own, he will eventually become resentful. Similarly, if you're over-interested in his life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, he will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people leading independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance ones that give each partner space and freedom.
3. One person selflessly lives for the other
We like to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a dishevelled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. Selfless devotion is boring. Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. By failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard and herself of that.
4. Everything centers on your children
It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance. When you are reduced to being little more than an appointment secretary or a taxicab for your children, there's precious little time to develop an identity or a life of your own. Remember, children are temporary. One day they will grow up and leave and your marriage will still be there. More to the point, you'll still be there. So devote at least as much energy to your personal growth as you do to the social life of your kids.
5. You never talk
Does the question "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication. Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought sex was what intimacy was all about!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: it centers on feelings, not information. Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel. Even if you have only 10 minutes a day to talk to her, make those 10 minutes count.
Interestingly, most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to "be all he can be," if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be a disinterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.
Some Solutions
So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words: get a life.
Thinking back to our conversations, I think my W was begging me to challenge her. But I didn't. Not that I'm going to beat myself up over it - she could have been more accepting or challenged me more aggressively to get out of my depression and pursue what I wanted, and be more able to challenge her. She is as guilty as I am - when the going gets tough, she withdraws and that won't make for a healthy long-term R.
Anyway, just thinking. Wish I'd known all this stuff a long time ago!
