Need Help

[troubled_husband]

Just finished the response and realized it got long. Sorry, but I think it addresses your questions.

I just found the site a couple of days ago. I haven't had a chance to get any of the books. But here are a few that I have read in this process:

Getting the Love You Want
The Dance of Anger
Reconcilable Differences
What's so Amazing About Grace

We actually took part in a several month group session on Gettin the Love You Want. We tried the empathetic couples dialog, but frequently she would put a negative spin on anything I said when she reflected. If I tried to rephrase, she would blow up and tell me I was being too picky on her reflection effectively ending the dialog session.

It is hard to describe a 'typical' conflict. I can say that counselors have stopped her several times in session on the issues of sarcasm, judgement, back handed appologies, and direct attacks. And she is normally on her best behavior in front of other people. When all else fails she will become 'histrionic' (her word for it). Basically, as long as I agree with her we can have pleasant conversation. If I disagree with her (even if it is about my perception or feelings), I will receive one or all of the above until I give in. Counseling and CoDA are teaching me that 'giving in' is the wrong response. It has been slowly eating away at me for years. I have only recently noticed the the 'histrionic' phase is really a manipulation tool. When I don't respond to it, it quickly turns into a pure verbal attack on my character.

Until recently her final response would have included slamming at least on door where ever she went in the house. In the last counseling session, she was told that this was a form of violence (she has broken two latchs/locks and one door). She has stopped the door slamming since then.

Frequently, there are little digs about anything that didn't go her way. These digs can come back for months or even years in random situations.

A typical family game night might start out fine, but if someone says something even slightly critical of her (like asked why she played a card), it is a coin flip as to whether she will take it as part of the game or start yelling and shouting at the person about how it's suppose to be fun and of course she is going to make mistakes ... This can go on for 5-10 minutes. (The person could be me or the kids. If it is the kids, she will frequently end up yelling at me too.) She frequently says we tell her she's stupid but the honest truth is that none of us feel that way. (Sometimes the teenagers will think any adult is stupid, but that is the age.)

I know that some of this is the result of self-esteem issues. (Her parent were never particularly supportive.) But I am slowly learning that her past does not excuse her present actions.

I think she is really trying to change, but I'm not sure she knows how. Her changing behavior with slamming doors is an example.