To "Piece" or not to "Piece....

[Jeanette1120]

ok..this is a long post and I scatter easily but here is parts of the conversation, yes IT IS LONG! But I had to get this out so even I can read it.

It started out very "hateful" on his behalf, since I'd re-sent the email concerning filing a "Motion to Show Cause". He had sent me a text earlier in the day apoligizing for not calling AGAIN! I sent one back saying I no longer wish to talk to him until he responds to my email. He responded later that night. His email was as cold and business as mine was but hey, I was fine with it. I could now read the words of his promises of intentions instead of trying to remember every lie.

So I called him, he was very angry at first. I finally calmed him down when I again had to explain the divorce had left me "Leary" his words had left me not believing. He needed to understand how scared, how hurt, how truamatized I was when he left and I need to see things in writing instead of the listening to stuff that never comes true. He then said if I wish to continue "talking" to him and working on friendship then I must respond to that email saying something to that fact. He trusts no one. He thinks I am going to take things he puts into writing and use them against him. Againe, I had to explain to him that we are divorced, it has been FINALIZED. I can use nothing against him. I simply need him to stand by his words.

I'm not sure when the conversation took a personal turn but the moment arrived when I felt confortable enought to ask him about Fabiola and what happened. Of course he said it was none of my business and he did not ask me my personal business. I said I know, but if you ask I will tell you.....I said I just want to understand how such a seemingly wonderful relationship ended so abruptly, was it her or him that was unhappy. She's a beautiful girl he said.....then I began to tell him that no woman is that beautiful when they get involved with a married man.

Thus ensued the conversation about why I called her. He said I called her only to ruin the relationship they had yet it only brought them closer. I said no, I called her because she needed to hear MY story. Of course everything he said to her would be tainted so would mine but at least it came from my mouth. She needed to know that I LOVED my HUSBAND and their relationship would never be SOLID as long as Rich did not have the proper time to understand how his life got to that point. Rich then began with the Ah Ha! He knew it!....I was trying to air his dirty laundry.....finally I said no Rich, truth be told, no matter how sweet she might be....she is nothing but a OW a bandaide to cover up your wounds and of course a husband stealing whore! Happy Now!!?? So back we went to on what happened in their relationship.....I said you seemed so happy, ya'll was at the fertility clinic trying to have a child.

This brought on a very very long but very very telling conversation of his inability to conceive a child to carry on his family name as he is the last boy child on his Fathers side (his father past 6 yrs ago) He is angry. He is angry at God because this is the ONE thing he so desperatly wanted in life and it seems he cannot have it. He and Fabs may have had a good relationship based on her wanting to give him child. ( His sperm is already almost non existant and from what I heard of the conversation between the Dr and them.....she has problems too. Perhaps this is what brought the downfall of them....but it was meant not to last.) Rich spent 30 minutes telling me how he felt, 30 minutes of detailed clinical data on Invitro, sperm, age, best conception time. His chance of having a child are zilch unless he wins the lotto. Adoption, to him is not an option as the child would not carry his blood. Could not carry on his line. I asked him how he would feel if he were to have a child but a girl?? He said wonderful! But he would prefer a boy. Then he went on to me he often thinks of all the names we had picked out in the beginning of our marriage how hurtful it was that in never came to fruition. He also brought up something I said to him long ago. For a quite awhile I was having teenage troubles with Josh. Bad ones! I laughingly said to him if we ever have a child and we divorce it's yours. He's never forgot what I said. I was only venting about Josh, but you see how easily things we say in jest can really hurt the other pary without us even knowing it.

He understands that I can understand but not fully feel the pain as I have a son. He will never know the joy. He said this is why he likes electronics, he likes to help people, he does so much for others...anything to get his mind off of his failure in life anything to stop him from "thinking" of what he will never have. To escape the reality of it.

I tried to explain to him that even tho he may never have a child, perhaps God wanted him here for different reasons, that he needed to literally get down on his knees and ask God to show him his path in life, he said he had. I asked him if he was receptive? Looking - listening - open enough to see the signs even if placed right before him? He says he sees nothing.....he asked what if God put him here only to make other people happy and never him as he is so unhappy and he is always helping others to make them happy. I said I have no answer to that, but I will tell you that for years and years I would mention to you how much you do for others and never for youself leaving you unhappy in life thus eventually causing our unhappines.

He went on to say how he trusts NO ONE only himself as others are only out to use him for what he can do for him. I told him this is no way to live, your bitter and angry and those are emotions you have control of, your choosing to let them eat away at you, if you keep them bottled up inside rattling around in your head you will never be happy. Get them out!! Put your feelings out there to someone who CAN help you, not just cover up the pain. Of course this was met with another statement of not trusting and I shouldn't trust others either. I had to tell him that I choose to trust people, not everyone, but I can not live my life walking around in fear like that. I NEED to have someone to trust, I will take the risk. Life is to precious to not have friends. I have accepted what God has handed to me as he is not going to give me more than I can bear, but it's MY CHOICE to accept it deal with it and find happiness in it.

Which brought up the predator neighbor used to be friend Kathy next door. He hates her as she solidified everything he should feel untrusting about. She makes me ill. Not all women are like her, but she intentionally put alot of mistrust in his head concerning me.

He seemed quite calm at the end of the conversation, said he just needed to finish making that tribute CD for Teddies late wife. He was getting pissed at the others who so wanted to help him but now don't seem as interested because they have lives and other things to do. But he needs to finish it for her as he watched her die in Teddies arms during their wedding dance. I said at least she died happy Rich, not broken and sad, she had wanted to get married for a long time. He said no, she did not die happy.....he watched her when she fell, he saw her face, he saw her grasping at Teddie arms that she lived for probably 30 seconds until she turned blue and suffocated. I validated and consoled him, but I also said that when she fainted she probaly felt nothing that her last memory in life was dancing happily with her husband. Which is the way it should be. I cannot let the tragedy of the past darken the happiness of my future, I can learn from the past which would include all the pain from it but I will not be afraid of embracing my future.

Right now he seems to be so angry at life. I can understand that. I was too for quite awhile.

I did send him a text a few moments ago, wished him a safe journey home from Kansas City, he replied "Thanks, I needed that".

Thanks for reading.

Jeanette