MLC is CRAZY!!! What a Roller Coaster!!!

[tpaschal]

Thank you tpaschal for your thread. I love the "Never Forget" I printed it off and am posting it at my desk here at work. I guess we all are having a hard time. I read your thread and my heart goes out to you. I would love for my H to get counseling. Can I request that in the Divorce? If so, YES!!! I am not on any anti-depressants. Maybe I should do that. I hate all this. I am going to my attornies office today to discuss the D papers that I got served. I hate that. I resent the fact that I am having to do this, go through this, having all my bills due with no money, needing anti-depressants, watching my boys go through this, etc, etc, etc.
I talked to my sister-in-law and she said that H was looking rough. He was really, really thin, was living at the bars and cussed like a sailor. He told her that the more I begged, the more I tried to reason and get him to realize what he was doing was just driving him further faster. So.......advice to all, don't do it. I have done the above, I have done the bi+ch thing, I have done the don't care thing, moving on with my life and thank you thing, and for me nothing is working. I am lost, so very lost, here. I just want him back and try to fight for our marriage, us, the boys, etc.
Hangin in there. Got no choice!

2ndNoah,

I am several months further along than you, but very often I still feel exactly like that---lost, angry, resentful, alone. I have done the pleading and the reasoning. I KNOW how you feel. So please don't take any of the following in the wrong way. It is meant in the most loving way possible. I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I did for as long as me.

It seems as though you may be doing what I often still do, for so long. You are putting the focus on HIM. On what he's done, on what he's still doing, on how he's screwing up his life, on how he's hurting the people who love him most, on how he's damaging his children. You are still focused on wanting and hoping for HIM to change.

Stop it. Stop putting the focus of your life on him. Stop it however you can. This has been the hardest thing for me, and I still struggle with it daily.

Is what he is doing to you and the boys right? Is it fair? He** no! Is it sh*tty? Heck, yes!

But it being unfair doesn't change the reality. H is an MLC monster right now, not the man you loved and married. It really is almost like Invasion of the Bodysnatchers!

You cannot give him the power over YOU any more. HE is the one who is lost. Don't let him drag you down into the darkness with him. I've let that happen for far too long.

It is not easy, but you HAVE to pick yourself up and keep going. You HAVE to do it for your boys. You HAVE to do it for YOU. Forget about H for the time being. Okay, I know that's impossible, but really---you have to detach from him.

Lots of people have been telling me that for months, and I still struggle with it. Detach? What does that mean? Well, a lot of people may disagree with me, but the only thing I can think of is...take all your love and memories and warm fuzzy feelings for him and squash it into a little box and lock it up. Put that box of love on a shelf in your heart. That way the love is still there, you haven't thrown it or him away, you haven't thrown away a chance for reconciliation, you've merely tucked those thoughts away for now so that they can't hurt you from the inside anymore. That unconditional love is still there, but it's shielded. And when that love and pain isn't so raw and immediate, it will be easier to not let him be the focus of your life. Then you can get on with getting on.

So what does that mean? Does it mean to pursue a divorce? No way! I don't mean to bury your head in the sand, either, as you will have to get a L just to be able to respond to what H is doing. But H is the one who wants a D, so let him do the work for it.

So how to get on with life? YOU need to be the focus for you. He is not a healthy person in any way right now. But neither are you. Oh, he's unhealthy because of his own making, and you're unhealthy because he's dragged you into a pit, but the important thing is getting healthy again. Will he be the one to help you get healthy right now? No!

Surround yourself with people who love you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Try some of the GAL suggestions that are to be found all over this board. Who cares if your heart isn't in it right now? I'm a big believer in "fake it 'til you make it" when it comes to getting a life!

Even if your motivation right now for GAL'ing is to prove something to H, I believe that with time your motivation will change and you will see that you need to do it for yourself, not to prove anything to him. And when your motivation does change to be YOU focused, if you've been doing some of the GAL things all along, you'll already have your support systems in place!

If you are not in counseling, start! And get to a medical doctor for ASAP! (I can't emphasize that one enough.) Just like a surgeon needs tools such as scalpels, an antidepressant is just another one of the many tools that God has given us to be healthier, happier people. So use the tools that God has given you!!

If the miracle ever happens one day where he asks to come back, then you can take that box off the shelf, unlock it, and take out all those memories and feelings and love. Then you'll have the opportunity to examine them carefully and see if they have stayed intact. You might find that they've changed after being locked away so long. Then, you and only YOU will be able to decide if what's in that box is worth another chance. You may find that it's not enough for you anymore. Or you may find that yes, the years of love and memories are still strong enough to warrant giving it another chance.

2ndNoah, take care of YOU.