I will try this again with a clearer head..help

[Chevelle]

Im doing better, Dodo..much better than the last time I posted...

Things are about the same..I knid of LRTed the W for now..trying something different...all she has called me about is when I am fixing her Blazer. Seems to be all she is concerned with at this time, but I did commit to it..

All in all, her side, from what I hear is good..she has OM, got him reeled in. Her FF is done with her right now, and now W is seeking old friends to contact. Maybe lonely, still?

Its more and more like MLC...detaching is getting better. still holding on a little. Dont know why, wouldnt want her like this anyway.

Why is is that I dont feel Im holding on to the past, but at the same time if she would try to work this out, it could be better? She just goes on like no big deal, even though she is avoiding her own issues, which I came to find happened before me.

Dodo, she broke down to me right before this all happened, and said to stay away from her, that she is no good for me and I deserve better...when I told her I still loved her...she would cry and say ..please go find someone else...so this is really her problems I guess

I know God has to take her, we cant tell Him to ourselves, but I know He is....I see signs of that here and there..I just wish I knew where to go..

God Bless

Chevelle

[No_More_Dodo]

Im doing better, Dodo..much better than the last time I posted...

Great!

Things are about the same..I knid of LRTed the W for now..trying something different...all she has called me about is when I am fixing her Blazer. Seems to be all she is concerned with at this time, but I did commit to it...

That is excellent... You need to show her you stick to your committments when she does not...

Dodo, she broke down to me right before this all happened, and said to stay away from her, that she is no good for me and I deserve better...when I told her I still loved her...she would cry and say ..please go find someone else...so this is really her problems I guess

The problem is you are married NOT dating.... There is not much of a "choice" here....

I know God has to take her, we cant tell Him to ourselves, but I know He is....I see signs of that here and there..I just wish I knew where to go..

I wish God had given me the ability to see into the future. You could wait it out, she could return and be the best W ever.... You could wait it out, she could go to C, return and do this again in a few years... God ONLY knows...

No_More_Dodo

[Dom R]

Dodo, she broke down to me right before this all happened, and said to stay away from her, that she is no good for me and I deserve better...when I told her I still loved her...she would cry and say ..please go find someone else...so this is really her problems I guess

I'm no expert on femalespeak... but one thing that I thought I DID know.. was that when a woman says that, then it's the most important time to stick by her, and show her that you believe she is worth it, rather than "doing what she's telling you to do" and finding someone else.

[No_More_Dodo]

Dodo, she broke down to me right before this all happened, and said to stay away from her, that she is no good for me and I deserve better...when I told her I still loved her...she would cry and say ..please go find someone else...so this is really her problems I guess

I'm no expert on femalespeak... but one thing that I thought I DID know.. was that when a woman says that, then it's the most important time to stick by her, and show her that you believe she is worth it, rather than "doing what she's telling you to do" and finding someone else.

Dom R,

That is an interesting point. If Chevelle sticks with it, she may come back.... She may not.... I am betting she will come back... The REAL questions are the following:

Will she go to C to address her issues?
Will Chevelle be able to get past her affairs?
Will Chevelle be able to trust her 100% again?

The $1,000,000,000 question:
Will she do this again?

When I told people about Dodo, MANY said she would be back... The problem is she ruined EVERYTHING we had.... As one person here wrote, "You CANNOT unring the bell." That is God's truth.

No_More_Dodo

[Chevelle]

Unring the bell...boy, aint that the truth....

I guess the biggest setback is, I know this is not her, only because of the M we had that was good for many years. Nobody saw this coming...

I am pretty confident that she is hating herself for doing this, but cant stop...like an addiction..doing anything to be loved and cared about. Problem is, she won't heed advice from anyone and snaps back to justify herself..

So simply put, I have let her be, only because she all she has done with me is blow up at me in anger...So I did the 180, and LRT with her.

So now, Im faced with the fact that everything around her is imploding rapidly, but she doesnt want to do anything about it.

Even if she doesnt do for anyone..do it for our kids...they are suffering, and I feel it will take that for her to comprehend her actions. I don't even care anymore on the thought of doing it for me or our M...just seeing her act this way is nothing short of borderline delusional...

Thanks, all I can ask is that you keep me and my family in your prayers....

God bless

Chevelle

[No_More_Dodo]

Unring the bell...boy, aint that the truth....

I guess the biggest setback is, I know this is not her, only because of the M we had that was good for many years. Nobody saw this coming...

Chevelle,

I know this all too well. The thing I found difficult to accept was the woman I thought I was married to was NOT who Dodo REALLY was... I think Swashy said it best... Who we are is determined by our actions... Based on their actions, your W and Dodo are both bad women...

No_More_Dodo

[Dom R]

The thing I found difficult to accept was the woman I thought I was married to was NOT who Dodo REALLY was..

I think this is a bit short-sighted, or narrow.

I think that, for a majority of cases where someone goes off and has an affair, or otherwise completely throws away your view of their moral compass... it's not that that's "who they really are".

We are all complex beings, and we all have the capability for good, or great evil. Someone has written about affairs, that the biggest difference between those who have them, and those who dont.. is that the ones who have them, had greater opportunity for it.
(in other words, if the temptation is big enough, almost anyone is capable of having an affair)

I think that is actually true.
So, in that light, it's not a matter of "who they really are", but "how they choose to be now"

[No_More_Dodo]

The thing I found difficult to accept was the woman I thought I was married to was NOT who Dodo REALLY was..

I think this is a bit short-sighted, or narrow.

I think that, for a majority of cases where someone goes off and has an affair, or otherwise completely throws away your view of their moral compass... it's not that that's "who they really are".

We are all complex beings, and we all have the capability for good, or great evil. Someone has written about affairs, that the biggest difference between those who have them, and those who dont.. is that the ones who have them, had greater opportunity for it.
(in other words, if the temptation is big enough, almost anyone is capable of having an affair)

I think that is actually true.
So, in that light, it's not a matter of "who they really are", but "how they choose to be now"

Dom R,

I respectfully disagree. Who we are becomes known when we face temptation.

In my M with my exW, I had temptation in the form of my "type" of gal within the first couple years. She was an adorable little brunette who was giddy around me at work. Honestly, she was younger and more attractive than my exW... Did I think it was cute? Definitely! Did ever even ponder allowing myself to be tempted.... Heck no!

If we use your basis, then Bill Clinton and Elliot Spitzer are still good men. Bill Clinton was just bad for a few days every month each year. Elliot Spitzer may have only done this a few dozen times.

What do we tell our family, friends and children? Johny, daddy is a really good guy... Except for when he had an affair right after mommy had you... And when he had an affair with his secretary... oh, and when he had a one night stand with the woman in Boston at the convention...

Then, as my new W asks, "When does the other person get a free pass? It seems like a vicious cycle of each of them having affairs." Once we overlook affairs, the offending party has to know eventually the offended party may want to test the waters. Is this wrong? According to what you are writing, this would not be wrong.

Do I think people change? Yes. I am one of them. I went from being a serial monogamist to a man who was married for twelve and a half years with NO affairs; I did not even touch another woman during that time. I believe my consistent behavior spoke volumes about my character. I am NOT claiming I was the perfect husband. Rather, I proved I could be faithful to one woman.

I just cannot see this like a switch....

She is a good wife today....
She is a bad wife today because she is having an affair.....
She is back to a good wife....

What person can possibly live on this roller coaster and be healthy?

"Character is not made in a crisis it is only exhibited." - Robert Freeman

No_More_Dodo

[Dom R]

Dodo,

what I wrote, doesnt make having an affair less wrong.
what I wrote, implies that, if a person chooses a dark path for themselves for a season, that does not neccessarily define "who they really are". Rather, it means that they gave in to temptation.
Unfortunately, once they cross that line, some people decide "well, i crossed the line now, so here's where I am", and decide that they "cant go back".
I find that very sad, if their spouse is willing to forgive, but they are too proud to ask for forgiveness.

There is free will. there is still the posibility for that person to choose otherwise in the future. They may very well NOT choose otherwise. But... people do sometimes change. for better or worse.

As far as your own temptation goes... you had only minor opportunity.
In that you had someone who was apparently interested in you. But you didnt have much OPPORTUNITY or temptation to do so. You only saw her at work. You would have to make a whole bunch of concious decisions, and a lot of effort, to turn that potential interest, into a full-blown affair.

You refer to your EX-wife. Imagine, if you will then, if it was the time just before you were officially divorced..and the "giddy brunette" was around you then.. AND you were off on a business trip with her... AND you were at the same hotel... AND she had come over to your room, and was telling you what a great guy you were compared to your wife...

maybe you cant really imagine it. Which is great for you; because it means you havent been truely, deeply tempted.
That makes you lucky. not a saint.

[No_More_Dodo]

Dodo,

what I wrote, doesnt make having an affair less wrong.
what I wrote, implies that, if a person chooses a dark path for themselves for a season, that does not neccessarily define "who they really are". Rather, it means that they gave in to temptation.
Unfortunately, once they cross that line, some people decide "well, i crossed the line now, so here's where I am", and decide that they "cant go back".
I find that very sad, if their spouse is willing to forgive, but they are too proud to ask for forgiveness.

There is free will. there is still the posibility for that person to choose otherwise in the future. They may very well NOT choose otherwise. But... people do sometimes change. for better or worse.

As far as your own temptation goes... you had only minor opportunity.
In that you had someone who was apparently interested in you. But you didnt have much OPPORTUNITY or temptation to do so. You only saw her at work. You would have to make a whole bunch of concious decisions, and a lot of effort, to turn that potential interest, into a full-blown affair.

You refer to your EX-wife. Imagine, if you will then, if it was the time just before you were officially divorced..and the "giddy brunette" was around you then.. AND you were off on a business trip with her... AND you were at the same hotel... AND she had come over to your room, and was telling you what a great guy you were compared to your wife...

maybe you cant really imagine it. Which is great for you; because it means you havent been truely, deeply tempted.
That makes you lucky. not a saint.

Dom R,

I was giving that as an example.... I have been very tempted... I have had many other opportunities... When I say opportunities, I am not talking about having sex....

I am saying opportunities to really think twice about my M..... To think, this gal really likes me... If I were not with my wife, I could give her a go..... That is where it all starts....

The opportunity to have sex you allude to comes from acting on that thought and spending time with that person.... I think we are all smart enough to recognize where and when we can be tempted and avoid those situations.... The bad people choose to put themselves in those situations.... The good people will avoid any potential appearance of wrongdoing...

My question, my friend, is what if you were a single guy... You met a really nice woman at church, synagogue or where ever you think you would find a good woman... You get to know her... You find she bailed on her fifteen year marriage without going to counseling or giving the M any chance.... She claims she has "changed," would you take a chance on her?

I would not.... I would MUCH rather be with a woman like my new W... She stuck with her fiancee through his issues with alcohol.... He was in inpatient rehab for thirty days.... She was there for him.... How did he reward her? He bailed one week before their wedding ceremony... A few months later, he realized what a huge mistake he had made and began chasing after her... What a dumb ass!

By the way, what did my new W do after he bailed? Heartbroken, she personally returned each wedding gift they had received.... EVEN his family's gifts... She personally repaid EVERYONE who spent money on the wedding. She gave each of the bridesmaids the money they had paid for their dresses and shoes.. She paid all the expenses for the catering and whatnot herself.... That speaks volumes as to who my new W is.... I love her character... She is truly a Proverbs 31 woman...

10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

I think we can agree to disagree on this one...

No_More_Dodo