I will try this again with a clearer head..help

[No_More_Dodo]

The thing I found difficult to accept was the woman I thought I was married to was NOT who Dodo REALLY was..

I think this is a bit short-sighted, or narrow.

I think that, for a majority of cases where someone goes off and has an affair, or otherwise completely throws away your view of their moral compass... it's not that that's "who they really are".

We are all complex beings, and we all have the capability for good, or great evil. Someone has written about affairs, that the biggest difference between those who have them, and those who dont.. is that the ones who have them, had greater opportunity for it.
(in other words, if the temptation is big enough, almost anyone is capable of having an affair)

I think that is actually true.
So, in that light, it's not a matter of "who they really are", but "how they choose to be now"

Dom R,

I respectfully disagree. Who we are becomes known when we face temptation.

In my M with my exW, I had temptation in the form of my "type" of gal within the first couple years. She was an adorable little brunette who was giddy around me at work. Honestly, she was younger and more attractive than my exW... Did I think it was cute? Definitely! Did ever even ponder allowing myself to be tempted.... Heck no!

If we use your basis, then Bill Clinton and Elliot Spitzer are still good men. Bill Clinton was just bad for a few days every month each year. Elliot Spitzer may have only done this a few dozen times.

What do we tell our family, friends and children? Johny, daddy is a really good guy... Except for when he had an affair right after mommy had you... And when he had an affair with his secretary... oh, and when he had a one night stand with the woman in Boston at the convention...

Then, as my new W asks, "When does the other person get a free pass? It seems like a vicious cycle of each of them having affairs." Once we overlook affairs, the offending party has to know eventually the offended party may want to test the waters. Is this wrong? According to what you are writing, this would not be wrong.

Do I think people change? Yes. I am one of them. I went from being a serial monogamist to a man who was married for twelve and a half years with NO affairs; I did not even touch another woman during that time. I believe my consistent behavior spoke volumes about my character. I am NOT claiming I was the perfect husband. Rather, I proved I could be faithful to one woman.

I just cannot see this like a switch....

She is a good wife today....
She is a bad wife today because she is having an affair.....
She is back to a good wife....

What person can possibly live on this roller coaster and be healthy?

"Character is not made in a crisis it is only exhibited." - Robert Freeman

No_More_Dodo