My WAW called me from England to my office in Germany and we ended up talking for 43 minutes. I received an email from her earlier this week after she visited me (see earlier in this thread) but I told her I couldn't reply with written words and that we needed to talk if she wanted a reply. I gave her access to my Skype account so she could do it.
Shortly before the call she also emailed me 2 of our wedding pictures from three years ago. How very, very odd.
Strange...in every interaction we have had since the breakup she has spoken of us getting back together "in the future". This one was no exception. She explained that after she's back from holiday with OM after Easter, that she wants to come and see me again in Berlin. She says she needs to "get back to reality" and "work on the future" and that she "sees us together in the future". She also said she wants us to have children together.
All wonderful words, and if I was really naive then I would believe her, but she still wants to go on this holiday. She really hates the idea of me dating other people so, when we were talking I told her in as composed and relaxed a manner as possible, that everything had changed when I discovered the OM. My wife had left, moved to another country and taken up with another man. Not only had she told me it was over, she had taken very decisive action to back her words up. I told her, and added "and I mean this with the greatest of respect.." that I found her position completely disgraceful and hypocritical and that her family would also. She agreed, saying "I know.." I told her I didn't want to be with anyone else, but that if my wife had taken off over the sea to be with someone else that "I had nothing to lose" because I had "already lost everything", so I didn't feel bad about dating other women - even though I would prefer to be dating her and married to her. I don't want to move on but I don't want to spend the next 60 years feeling sorry for myself either.
I then added that I am not prepared to share my wife with anyone else. That's just my view and other people are free to think what they wish, but that I could not and would not attempt a reconciliation while OM is in the picture and while we're 1000km apart.
This may sound harsh the way it's written here, but the reason I wanted to voice it, rather than write it to her is that the tone of voice in which I said it was very composed and mild. Usually I would have yelled, preached, lectured, pointed the finger etc but this time I said it with grace and equanimity - in other words a complete 180. She is still very keen on us staying in touch and keeping the dialogue open, probably because of this 180 over the last two months.
It's funny. As I was walking home last night from work I was so furious from her hypocrisy that I finally seem to be getting this feeling that "I'll be fine whatever happens". I hope it's not an ephemeral feeling but I imagine there'll be many more hard days and moments ahead. I know it was my bad behaviour and attitude which occasioned the breakup and I reiterated this to her during the phone call - telling her she was right to leave, but I cannot be responsible for the decisions my wife made subsequent to her leaving me.
This should be a clean breakup - no kids, different countries, no family nearby but instead it's as messy as hell. I don't want to let her go, and she doesn't want to let me go completely either. She has said "she doesn't believe in divorce..". Sounds like she really has been abducted by aliens, I know.
I'm not sure if I need any advice here. Is it normal to be feeling this indifferent about reconciliation when this stuff happens? My concern is that the the indifference/anger will soon subside and be replaced by that despair and longing again. I am very open to any advice/comment if you experienced DBers want to throw in your 2 cents.
best,
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
