You are a smart guy. You see what you are doing, and you know it's not all healthy. That's good. Many people can't see the unhealthy aspects of their behaviors, or even know why they do some of the things they do. I'm with you all the way on detachment being oh so hard. I struggle with it myself, and can't yet bring myself to run to a L to get my own D moving along as fast as possible. So, W and I are in limbo. We don't talk. I'm out of the house living my life. For now, detachment for me means not wondering what she is up to and trying to live my own life as best I can.
I feel what you and I are feeling is normal. If we really do love someone, we can't just walk out cleanly in a short while. It's a slow process, one that is cyclical. There will be times when we are sure we're done with them, that we're sick of the mess and the hurt they have caused us. And yet, there are other times when we still wonder if it could work with them, that we do love them, and would like them, at least as we imagine they could be, in our lives. We don't want the current manifestation, but we would like to believe that some transformed, better relationship is possible. The big question, of course, is whether we are just dreaming or whether that will occur. Only time will tell. In the meantime, go enjoy that soccer tourney and do the best you can. I'm traveling myself and will be away from the boards for three days, so take care and take it one moment at a time.
