New to the SSM forum......

[Delil@h]

Hi everyone, I hope to make new cyber friends here and grow more . And in the process help my Marriage and my H to be Happy.I am not new to these boards... I have been here for almost two years but this is my first time posting here.

I have read some very good posts here that have helped me alot in the past.

.......and I hope that I can find the help here I need for my M. My H means so much to me and he feels sex starved and unloved b/c of my lack of creativity and initiative. I did go the Airport once without undergarments and a beautiful dress and knocked his socks off but then there are my dry spells where I have no creative juices flowing and I let life get in the way. Like COG tells me SEX Should be like brushing your teeth, do it every day..... I want to. I just need to get out of my own way. And let go of the past even more...............

My threads started in Newcomers,, then went to Seperated now what and then to Piecing also posted some in Infidelity.

My H has cheated more than once.
@ 2 years ago he was ready to call it quits and I worked my *butt* off to fight for our M.
And my H 's main complaint has always been that I do not act like I used to when we met *SEXUALLY.

When we first got Married , I initiated all the time and I was very Passionate and loud and just enjoyed myself........ 12 years later that part of me comes out once in awhile but more often than not it seems like my trying hard shows thru.

I read in a post here on SSM~ that maybe it isnt LD it is issues. etc etc etc............. I dont feel like LD per se I feel like I let life get in the way of me just enjoying him and me. I dunno........... I feel sort of lost and sad that I make him feel UGLY by my lack of initiative.

I know we cant FF thru things like with our DVD players but I really want to get thru my obstacles and get back the me that used to be.
I have tried hard and yet it seems to always freeze up, once we are ML I feel so good but I still come off as mechanical 75 % of the time and I had a heart to heart with H tonite and he really made me see that this is hurting him more than I thought.
I am sure my post doesnt make much sense but I am fresh from talking to him and my mind is scrambled.

In essence I want to choose him, I want to ML to him have sex with him , knock his socks off too. I just need to get there and getting there is what eludes me.
I can reach my inner sexual diva once in awhile and then like my H SAYS I LOSE THE DRIVE AFTER AWHILE and just dont initiate.


I really do want to leave the baggage behind and find a way out and move towards a Fantastic sex life again. He initiates most of the time and it is Fabulous but he wants me to take charge and ...............^(*&^%%%$%&**&(* so much more.........

I thought I had worked thru x, y and z but I think they are still there haunting me and getting in my way. I too want to get me back......
I will post more tomorrow.
God bless, ~Ali

[Delil@h]

~wow I was re-reading my first post in my Latest Piecing Thread. Pretty scary......... of what I used to put up with in a day... and how much I have grown.....



...............he thinks he is scared I am terrified. I am doing so well on not being codependent anymore but that took me a loooooong time. Can I really get past all the cobwebs in my head and move forward and not stay stagnant? and really make love from a place of feeling safe in giving away my vulnerability and really and truly being intimate. God knows I want to but how to get there and how to get back that real passion...........uuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggh~!
God bless, ~Ali

[Delil@h]

I had the day off yesterday and when I was laying there feeling under the weather , I started to read Passionate Marriage again.

It was as if the pages were telling me things I never saw before.
I may not post here much, but I will when I get a chance. I do see that I have had many problems in my M due to my "LD". I actually do not have "LD" , I believe it is more like I felt so angry and hurt and I couldnt and still struggle with just giving myself to him. So he would say he is sex starved and I would say that we arent. I know that I do need to infuse my sex life with more Passion that is for sure and really enjoy myself and realize that sex with my H is awesome and worth the time and effort.
I have had a hard time seeing the link betweeen my LD and his emotional and angry outbursts. I did listen to some of MWD radio program on a different website. She said that things that made sense to me that my H would be feeling re: SEX.
Me? I needed more emotional connection and my H he needed it thru SEX......
I truly want to be his best friend and also the Woman who knocks his socks off in bed for many years to come. But it seems like I am scared to just give him all of me on a platter, maybe this or maybe that ~BS starts running thru ny brain.
And the downer is that if I have had few drinks I "seem" to forget evrything and make love to him in such a fantastic and Passionate way.
So my problem is to find that part of me that can let go during sex and not bring all the other BS into the bedroom.
When I first met my H I was amazing,,, I made love to him and took him whenever I felt like it and didnt think it thru or to death. I just did and over and over again, I really want to just give myself to him like that but even typing it out here hurts and I am tearing up. I opened myself up to him and let him see every part of me and for a long time he seemed to be laughing at me and I just retreated and stopped making love like that.
I will look into my heart and find him and then he lets me down ,but what I realize now that I need to work on is that....


I get a reflected sense of self from him.............


So I need to realy change that. Sure I need feedback but I also need to be strong like I used to and just ML and enjoy myself and stop worrying or waiting and stop checking if he is enjoying it, just do what I want to just take him and let go.

Sometimes I scare myself out of it, I think it thru too much and then I come off robot like... So this is really harder than it seems . I "should " just be able to do this or do that but it is and has been difficult for me at times to let go and truly be the me that is underneath all the FEAR.

My body belongs to me and it is a gift I give to him and I have been holding back far too long and it has at times been necessary for my sanity but now he is so different so much like the Man I fell in love with and more... so DO I just dive and and let go? I will, but I see by posting here that there is a lot more to it than that. I am crying really hard just typing this.

I know there is nothing more beautiful than when we are together and yet apparently it terrifies me to death....

Need to work on this...
God Bless, ~Ali

[sgctxok]

Hi Alimari,

I'm so sorry that you are so sad.

It will take me awhile to go through your threads on each forum. It will be easier to follow if you keep to one forum and one thread at a time. It is probably best to stay on Newcomers.

sg

[sgctxok]

I have had a hard time seeing the link betweeen my LD and his emotional and angry outbursts.

The Nike 'Just Do It' approach is good advice....but there is a caveat....if you really are so hurting by his emotional and angry outbursts, that is a problem. You need to take care of yourself in this.


How do you feel AFTER you have a few and just do it?

[hopeforfuture]

I have had a hard time seeing the link betweeen my LD and his emotional and angry outbursts. I did listen to some of MWD radio program on a different website. She said that things that made sense to me that my H would be feeling re: SEX.
Me? I needed more emotional connection and my H he needed it thru SEX......

Hey Alimari,
I'm not sure that I can provide any advice to you on this issue, but I just wanted to post to let you know that I was reading about your situation. The struggle with LD and your feelings seems to be very close to what my W is going through. We are currently piecing and have been now for about two months. Our love making in this time has been fantastic. The frequency, excitement and passion has been better than any other point in our R. Now for about the past week, things have slacked off. I'm not doing anything different, in fact I'm trying to be more affectionate and loving in an effort to spark that desire in her. It seems like the more I try though, the more frustrated or irritated she gets with my attempts to be affectionate. I'm sure others that are reading this will say, "Come on man, give your W a break. So its been a slow week!", and I know I shouldn't take this too personally. She's been stressed recently with some job issues and I can't expect constant fireworks. It just seems like this easily can easily become a repeating cycle.

W not in the mood, I try to be affectionate, W withdraws, I get frustrated, W gets frustrated that I'm frustrated, I get distant and don't talk because I'm frustrated, W doesn't get the quality time and communication from me that she needs to feel good about us, and so on and so forth.

I want to head this off before it becomes an issue. How do you break this cycle? I want us to have regular affection and love just being close and connected with her. I don't need it to always turn into sex. I need for her to understand this. We do talk about this, but I sometimes wonder if my actions reflect what I'm saying.

It will take me awhile to go through your threads on each forum. It will be easier to follow if you keep to one forum and one thread at a time. It is probably best to stay on Newcomers.

Alimari, personal opinion only, but I would like to see you keep this thread here.

[Delil@h]

I want to head this off before it becomes an issue. How do you break this cycle? I want us to have regular affection and love just being close and connected with her. I don't need it to always turn into sex. I need for her to understand this. We do talk about this, but I sometimes wonder if my actions reflect what I'm saying.

I WISH I could really give you concrete advice on how to break the cycle ... you know a one sentence solution filled with words that put you into motion.... all of us have different issues but I do believe that at the core we all need very similiar things.....

I will say this and maybe it wil help you... my H called yesterday and he said he loved me and he said he wasnt going to pressure me anymore that he was going to leave the ball in my court so to speak. And he said it such a loving manner that it impressed me and it felt genuine. You see when I am under his microscope everything I do feels so watched so criticized and so wrong. I hardly can do anything w/o thinking is he going to like this , am I doing this right. And so my drive to want to just be me and do things does go away. Also when he lets go he allows me to breathe and really make an effort to start new.

It feels like he lifted a ton of weight of my chest and I felt so good yesterday.

I will not forget what we talked about and the sadness it brought to me knowing I have so much power to hurt him w/o even trying to made me realize that I need to "SHOW" HIM ALL THE LOVE I HAVE INSIDE.

And yes... in the past it was very hard for me to just want to ML or have sex or really just ^*((**^%*& HIM in a good Married connected way b/c all day long he was being critical and etc etc etc... I have come to one BBBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGG realization....


I DEPEND ON HIM FOR A REFLECTED SENSE OF SELF.... which means if he says I look hot or he is in an great mood then I am "OK" or if we were in bed and he showed me he loved it then I felt "OK".... but if he didnt give me anything then I would retreat , instead of "shining" on my own. You see what I mean?
And now I have made a vow within myself to not "try" anymore ..... trying has gotten me nowhere fast.......... I need to just jump in !!!!!!!!!!! and go back to being the sexual being I was when I met him and not measure or think it to death.

Maybe it is the same for your honey , maybe not.

Maybe if you shower her with love and genuine caring that really and truly comes from a place of love and only love she will slowly ( AND I MEAN sloooooooowly ) COME around.......

It has taken my H 2 years to be vulnerable with me and to be this Man he is now. And I do know that it is b/c I have put my EGO aside as much as I Humanly can and realized it is not all about me it is about him too. I had to drop the rope and love him fearlessly and now the sexual issues are at the forefront.

Try not to get frustrated so much ( I know seems next to impossible) but take those frustrations out somewhere else, go for a run , or a walk. READ Passionate Marriage,, work your A** off and keep hope.
Remember how wonderful you are for caring and trying to understand your Wife.

I hope my babbling helped you some.... I feel like I am terrible at typing out advice..... I will try to look you up and read your thread when I get home from work.
God Bless you HFF.....
* My brain is a jumble of good stuff right now and I hope just reading my posts helps you in some way.
Your Post helped me in just seeing I am not the only one and by just having your support~
God Bless, ~Ali

[Delil@h]

To sg...

Thank you sooooo much for responding to my posts I was wondering if this forum was a ghost town ?

I do appreciate your post and when you get done reading my threads.... you will have to curl up and get some popcorn to get thru them............

................~~~ you will see that with heartfelt passion I went thru H*ll and back to get to where I am today. I post here and in Piecing cause it is two different things that will lead to Happiness with in my M.
I am not sex starved.. although my H has been gone for a while on Vacation and ML right now to him would be so beautiful. So I felt "guilty " posting here but if you only knew the sadness and mayhem I have allowed to take over my M "silentlY" by not being the sexual Woman that God created me to be. It has been scary at best and thank you for worrying taht I am "SAD " but actually sweetie I am the HAPPIEST I have ever been in a very, very long time. By him telling me and being vulnerable enought to put himself on a plate on offer himself to me and tell me to try my best and realize how much I mean to him. ~Wow what a blessing. I felt sad while I was typing b/c of him and the sadness he is feeling by not just giving myself to him. And b/c I realize how strongly I hold onto the past instead of living in the present. Sad really... really sad..........


Also I have been on this forum for almost 2 years and for me to be in Newcomers ( even though I appreciate your advice) would in my eyes not be ok. When I was newly seperated I would "peek" in on the Piecing forum and look at like the RED CARPET , FOR PEOPL HERE. I worked my A** of with sweat and tears and to be there again would to me actually be insulting the people who are there and in sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much pain. I have been there and the pain I go thru now is so different from that soul wrenching pain,, no comparison at this time for me.
I was even put in inspring stories by the moderators last year, for saving my M and I felt so proud of me...... the first day I posted on Newcomers I NEVER!!!!! would have dreamed of ever being an inspiring story in the Future.

I humbly cried tears of JOY... and I still do occasionally in appreciation of the BOOK DR and this online community of loving people....


Also you will see that he was in a down ward sprial of negativity in the past and he has come a long way and also I have come a long way in not putting up with it anymore with my hard work and advice from beautiful people here! and lots of 2x4s... old timer would always make me stop dea in my tracks and want to change the parts of me that seemed to me so loving but they were actually hurting me.
Also COG, Santhony, Grasshopper helped me tremendously to grow "UP". Their kind and loving words helped me everyday....... to become a better Woman.

And as far as when I have a few and then we ML,, fantastic. See my problem isnt in Sex it is in me holding onto the past and looking for him to validate me in order for me to grow. And that is where I fail. I need to love myself enough and then when the validation comes it will be like an extra gift but it wont be neccessary for me to live. This is what I ahev realized in my past few days of soul searching and Reading PM.

Also yes I listend to a ~ MWD ~Radio show on another website and yes I need to " JUST DO IT" ......stop "trying" .......and REALLY ~just do it.


So thank you once again for your input . I will stay in piecing and update when I can, and if you dont mind I will also stay here, b/c I never thought I needed to be here and that is the PROBLEM ,, I DO need to be here and more than anything my H needs me to be here. He needs me..........
MANY people follow my thread on Piecing, they dont post much but their support gives me strength, and hopefully I can make a few friends here too that will help me on my journey of really making love in a grown up loving , passionate way. And making my H feel like a KING. * like he is THE ONE that rocks my boat no other*
Love to you and God Bless, ~Ali

[Delil@h]

Alimari, personal opinion only, but I would like to see you keep this thread here.

Thank you sweetie you have made me feel so Welcome~

((((((* See my reflected sense of self showing thru blush blush * UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH I have to laugh at myself....))))

Hey I am only Human~
God bless, ~Ali

[sgctxok]

Oh no problems. I just wanted you to have more posts from folks in similar situations and ease to follow you. You stay here and wherever you are comfortable.