Need Help

[troubled_husband]

I am new to this site and originally posted this in the Newcomers list. It was suggested that I post it here. If you read this another place, please forgive the repeat. I have made a couple of additions.

My wife and I have been through six different marriage counselors in the past 16 years. And yet our marriage has been on a downward spiral.

One issue is sex. We were very active during our engagement but when we returned home from the honeymoon, that quickly slowed. The reality is that in 18 years we probably have had less sex than in the 1 year of the engagement. My wife has said from early in the marriage that she never was interested but was afraid of losing my friendship as a became interested in someone else. She has told me that she never liked sex, doesn't want sex, and doesn't want to talk about it. We started marriage at about once a month and quickly dropped to a few times a year, then less than twice a year, now its been almost 18 months. Is is really possible that she would have been this deceptive during our engagement?

Last year my wife hit me when she was half asleep and I required 7 months of medical treatment. It is not typical for her to be physically violent, just verbally. She has broken doors and other things when angry. After she hit me I was encouraged to report the incident to Domestic Violence (by my couselor and doctor) and did. I decided not to carry through with a PFA or divorce but instead try to deal with it with our current marriage counselor. (He was aware of the report before it happened and accepted this as a reasonable solution.) The night we discussed it in couselling, she moved out of our bedroom (4/07) and has not moved back. She was angry that I would even consider reporting it. In July she did discuss moving back, but I told her that I was still working through forgiving her. I have since gotten past this and have invited her to return a few times but that has been rejected. In reality, she has talked about living in separate rooms since sometime in the first year of our marriage. Sometimes it seems like this was just the excuse to make it happen. Is it possible that this is just part of the first issue?

Our second marriage counselor started us on the love languages and I have tried to loave her in her ways. One issue is that every time we start counselling again, I get a different message about her love language. Our last session was a 2 day intensive and the counselors started giving recommendations to me. My wife defended me saying that I had already been doing most of them (which was true). I am beginning to think there is no way for her to feel loved by me.

Since then I have joined Codependence Anonymous. Both my couselor and the marriage counselor thought it was an excellent idea. My wife thinks it is counter productive or wrong and hassles me about attending meetings (by sarcastic comments, direct criticism, trying to shame me about time away from 'the family', telling me that meeting time is selfish, etc.).

I am slowly learning how to walk away from abusive language and make stands about things that are important to me, but this only seems to put more distance into the relationship.

I do not believe in divorce for religious reasons and my wife is of a similar mindset. But it feels like there has really never been much of a marriage and I don't know how to deal with that inner conflict. Sometimes I feel like I was purposely deceived. I guess I am looking for some hope that this relationship can be resolved.

Like Michelle has said in some of her articles, I have a lot of people that think I should give divorce a more serious look. I have been fighting the WAH impulse for years. Anyone have advice?

We have two children (13 and 15).