Worried I found DB too late #2

[cw68]

Journaling:

Backslid tonight. Had a school open house tonight that H didn't think he'd make, that his flight was too late. He was able to make it. The kids were with him on the playground, I was with the teacher or talking to our kids' friends' parents. H was elsewhere and we did nothing together. Very awkward.

The floors are not done yet. My house is a mess, I'm putting things back together and while H was slightly helpful while he was here, he got to say goodbye and take off to bachelorhoodland. Nicely I did the anti-DB thing and said goodnight and that I liked being a family tonight, that I like being a family. Got the typical "I know" response.

I can't go to the store to get the things I need tonight because I'm the one stuck here by myself. As I was laying on the floor screwing in pieces to the dishwasher, after two hours of me doing everything but bring in dirty dishes, he asks me if I needed him here. I said, "No, I don't NEED you here." as I run off to get the third tool to see if it would fit. Seriously, he was just standing there watching me do things that he could have helped with. I make the dinner. I dish it to the kids. I cut up their food. I get them napkins. All this while he stands there looking at me, drinking out of my glass because when I asked him if he wanted anything to drink he said "No." When the flooring guy was here, I had to show him what to fix, I had to total everything up and pay him, everything while H just stands there not helping, not doing anything.

Then he asks me if I'm mad at him. I said, "No, I'm not angry. I'm sad. I saw all those families at school tonight and it made me sad that we are not that anymore, that you don't want that anymore. I think it sucks that I have to do stuff like this forever on my own and you get to go off an escape to your apartment." He said nothing. DAM look on his face. I ignored him and tried to get the last piece on the dishwasher again. He walked out the door and I said, "Enjoy your bachelorhood!"

So then, of course, I backslide even more and called him a few minutes later. The plan was just to tell him that my behavior was uncalled for and that if I could do it over I wouldn't. The I was just said because I feel that he doesn't even think our family or our marriage is worth any effort. But as he answers the phone, it's with a dramatic sigh and says, "Yessssss?" in a very annoyed voice. I instantly knew I was out of control, should have stopped and didn't. Instead I say, "You know what? With an answer like that I can tell you don't want to hear what I have to say at all." Then he says that just because he doesn't want to, it doesn't mean that he shouldn't listen. That we're going to have to communicate whether or not he wants it. I tell him the above, he says we are worth an effort, but he just doesn't know what else he can do now but does plan on spending a lot of family time together in the next week while my sister's family is visiting. Without being able to just let that lie there, I pipe in, "What good does that do us? You've been doing that since July." and he says he's just going to have to try more. He says he just has to try to remember the good times. I tell him that maybe he needs to do something besides just that because it could just make him sad that all the good times are in the past and that he should think of the good things we can do. I mention that maybe it's not trying "more" but trying different and ask him if he's been reading the DB book. Not really, he answers.

That just ticks me off! He's said that he would read a number of things doesn't. That makes me feel that I and our family is worth diddly squat to him. But I say that part of the theory is to stop doing things that don't work and do the things that do work.

blah blah blah. R talk. Bad stuff. Made me unhappy, I'm sure it made him feel defensive and wasn't good. Perhaps the only good thing out of it was that he hasn't given up. But then I say that I should end the conversation because all I'm doing is driving him away.

Earlier in the day I did a dumb thing too, and that was to casually invite him to an art event thingie next month. Basically, "I'll probably be XYZ then if you want to join me." So since I hadn't f-ed things up enough on the phone and at the goodbye, I texted him to forget that invitation, that he wasn't "there" and that I should have stopped myself before I even invited him. Not enough damage, right? On I go, that I promise to back waaay off now. That he doesn't want me, that I don't know if he enjoys or appreciates me, that I just make him fearful. That he can't do anything right now but what he's doing and that's OK.

Somebody stop me! I did do one thing well today, and that was a good 180. Last fall I bought book after book, each one he's say he'd read and never would. (I am resentful that he couldn't read one single book to help better us or our children.) While I was at the bookstore yesterday, there was a book in the bargain bin on the 2005 basketball final four and I picked it up for him. When he called me on the phone, I told him that I picked up a book for him and it was on the nightstand for him. Cautiously, he asked what it was. Told him it was a surprise and he asked for a hint. Purposefully leading him on, I told him it was a non-fiction book. Then when he was done saying goodnight to the kids, I told him the book was there for him. He again asked about it and, again with the leading, I told him it was something that I thought he should read. He goes and gets it and comes back laughing. He totally thought it was going to be another relationship book and told me that that was good, that I was funny.

A good thing down the drain by some frustration at my day sucking, my house being torn up and having guests in two days and you can't even see the guest bed because of all the stuff all around. The flooring guy was supposed to be done Monday.

Aurgh. Hating myself right now...