God give me the patience and the strength...2

[theotherhalf]

another thread locked, repeated last question...

UD,

while you backed off was your H angry at you? did you have any contact? if so how long before he contacted you?

H and I haven't spoke for over 2 weeks. He did call the other day and was VERY VERY angry. I told him I wasn't going to listen to it and hung up. Haven't heard from him since. I really have no idea what is going on. Of course I fear the worst.

I am fine with the backing off because I don't need the drama anymore.



last thread

[Upside]

Hi toh-

while you backed off was your H angry at you? did you have any contact? if so how long before he contacted you?

My H's was angry pre-bomb until about last September...almost a whole year. When I first backed off, my H got more angry with me. He ended up getting so angry that he filed the D papers while I was on vacation. That was over 6 months ago and I still haven't been served. Anyway, I don't think it was too long after that when he started to realize that he was the one with the issues. The more I backed off, it seemed like the less angry he became.

I think the longest I have gone without contact from my H was about 3 or 4 weeks. It is hard to go NC and always have thoughts running through your mind about what your H is doing...but you have to let it go...like you say, you don't need the drama anymore.

<3
Upside

[theotherhalf]

But UD everyone here has said that the NC would possibly bring turn him around. That it would help. Well it did for me the first couple of weeks. I figured he was angry because I called the NC. But now it is getting soooo hard for me.

I think that he is spending MORE time with OW. Before this I think he was trying to end things with her. He seems fine at NC. He is REALLY angry at me now. More than even in the beginning.

Yes it is true that I don't need the drama. But the NC is really really tuff for me. Regardless of what happens in our M. I can't stand not talking to him. I can't deal with him not acknowelging that I even exist. Right now it seems he really does hate me.

And tonight all the thoughts of WHY, and what did I do that was so wrong, why did he leave me for her, why doesn't he love me anymore, what happened, why don't I deserve a second chance? Those questions are weighing really hard on me tonight. Although my head tells me to not care. To let him go and move on. That I deserve to be treated so much better. But the love in my heart keeps me hanging on...

[Upside]

toh-
Right now you need to what is best for you. I felt that NC was better for me because I ended up feeling stronger being away from my H's craziness when he was angry. Even though the anger and craziness seem to be going away, I still do not contact my H. I let him contact me. I understand your dilemma where you don't want to be a part of the drama but you don't want him to latch on to the OW either...but that being said, your H isn't happy...what makes you think he is going to be happy with the OW? Now, I am no expert and my H doesn't have an OW that I know of, but I would still let my H go to figure out that the OW isn't going to make him happy either. He needs to find his happiness within himself again before he can be happy with anyone else.

When my H left, he said he was empty inside and that he had nothing left to give. The OW right now is no pressure, no responsibility...that is what someone in MLC wants because they really have nothing to give. Is there anything you can do besides going NC so you are no pressure, no responsibility for your H?

Just as a side note, I do know what it is like to have a H involved with an OW...my first H ended up married to the OW but it took her getting pregnant for me to give up...and it took another pregnancy for him to finally marry her. I don't believe they are happy people to this day. Anyway, I know it hurts like h@ll to have your H leave you and cheat on you but remember YOU WANT A MAN THAT WANTS TO BE WITH YOU BECAUSE HE WANTS TO...not because he is obligated to.

You have to do what is best for you but from my point of view I would think that would be letting him go as much as you can so he can figure himself out.

<3
Upside

[peacetoday]

OH
I went dim a few months ago when my mom got sick
I couldnt handle the two crises so I avoided H
at first, he got closer and tried to get me to talk ect
then he withdrew more
I stayed dim for 6 weeks but it wasnt giving me any results and we became so distant
so I decided to allow contact again
it hurts either way b/c with contact or NC , we cant bring our H back
nothing we can do will do that
maybe only patience( which I lack at present) will bring them home
if we wait for them to finish their journey and figure it out.
the hard part is some come back and some dont
all I can say is we have the kids, the house and the possessions. they are giving up sooooo much for a fling- a shot in the dark
logically, it makes sence for them to return..but still some wont
hold on
its just a bad day
tomorrow will be better
peace

[theotherhalf]

what makes you think he is going to be happy with the OW

I don't...but anything is possible. What I really think is that she is the easier route for him. That something has been between them for alot longer than I know. That he made this decision to be with her and he just may "stick" to that. That he's caused so much damage that he believes in his mind that she may be his only damamge. That he has said over and over again, " I am done with you, I don't want to try again, that I am never coming home" that he HAS to stick to that decision because "you know me, when I make my mind up, that is it!"

But I do think that I know my H and if he stays with her. One day she will pay for his choices. One day he will hate her for what he gave up to be with her.

Is there anything you can do besides going NC so you are no pressure, no responsibility for your H?

The only option I can come up with his to get the D. But again, I know my H and if we D. I believe that we will never be together again.

YOU WANT A MAN THAT WANTS TO BE WITH YOU BECAUSE HE WANTS TO...not because he is obligated to.

Yes you are very right. But can't lie, I WANT that man to be my H. And I WANT him to WANT ME.

You have to do what is best for you but from my point of view I would think that would be letting him go as much as you can so he can figure himself out.

That IS what I am doing right now. But it seems to be getting harder for me instead of easier. I have accepted the "logical" in my brain that my M IS over. That there is no more US, that he is with OW (in secret or not). That my H no longer wants to be with me. BUT, my heart tells me there is still hope for us in the future. Maybe my heart is lying to me.

[ddstartingover]

TOH - sounds like we are in the same state of mind. I do not have proof of OW. Only a feeling---it's also somewhat easier to believe there is someone else pulling him away rather than he just doesn't want me............

I am refusing to talk D until H deals with what is going on with him. I have told him so, and I know this is probably bad DBing, but I think his kids and I deserve that. He also needs that to be happy in the end no matter what happens. I also think he sees D as an easy out, a way to run away from our problems without facing them. It's so hard to believe that he can think D will be easy and no big deal for the kids---who still have no idea things are this bad since he for the most part is able to give the appearance that we are still a family.

Oops, I guess I'm kind of hijacking...........the NC didn't work for me either---I had the same problem, that it caused more distance and anger. I think that we all have to learn how to use the DB techniques that will work for our sitches and adapt. The love in my heart for my H is also what keeps me going---that and our three wonderful kids.

What are you doing for YOU? I'm making baby steps towards making a better ME and I fully accept and have acknowledged my role in where we are at. Is it too wrong to demand that our H's do the same? MLC or not, they are grown-ups, right? Ok, more bad DBing................

I hope you are able to have a good weekend.....I take each day by day and hour by hour.

[theotherhalf]

I have proof of OW. He has admitted her to me, only. But still sees her only when dark, and away from here. The only time he has been "seen" with her is by me at his place.

I am thinking of getting my Realistate liscence. I am trying to be more prompt at work and put more hours in. Going out more to get out of this house. Spending more time with my girls. Taking better care of my house. Working on some internal issues with myself. Trying to find some extra income. Working through what I am going to do with the rest of my life and where I will go if/when H decides what he wants.

I take each day by day and hour by hour.

Me too, it's the only way

[a new 2moro]

my h didnt like nc either, he got back at me by doing more things with ow, hell he would have anyway. i do not think at one minute that nc prolonged his MLC. it took me many months to get it right. it allowed me to get a grip on me...and it allowed h to see...geesshhh...my life still sucks, uhmmm, its not her fault.

[theotherhalf]

NC may not prolong the MLC. May in fact give them what they need to clear their heads. But could very well lead to them deciding that D IS the best option. And with the anger they feel it could justify that decision "see, she really is a b*tch!"