Wife has filed, and on we go

[micoms]

Grid,

My W has had a OM, he is married, she thinks in her MLC mind he will take her out on a date if she gets a D. Talking to a friend of hers, she says he will never leave his W, he'll just play her.

My coach told me about these phases. W went through the anger phase, she treated me like she hated my guts. I went a little dark, stopped going to see her as often and those feelings seemed to soften, when I see her now she is friendly, of course I used to bring up our R and how I think we can fix it. Now I just ask her about her work and talk about GS. So I think I'm in the friendship phase. Coach gave me advice and it seems to have had an effect on W. She now wonders what I'm doing, if and who I might be dating, she has asked D19, D24 S27 and my best friend. She has also driven by the house to see if I came home from going to meet a "friend" for drinks. I was going to go to D24's house to drop off clothes to her BF, was going to be dressed nice if W would have asked if I was going out on a date I would have said I'd rather have a date with you.

I'm hoping with her concerned about me "dating", that she still cares and would be open to start anew R with me. So then I might be heading to phase three.
My coach had said the three steps were 1 reducing bad feelings, 2 becoming friends, 3 romance and 4 reconciliation. When she was in replay I heard all the anger, she brought up things that happened 20 years ago.

In order to get to the goal of getting M back you have to let go of your anger, I thought you were there. I know you had become friendlier with your H, got a Bday gift and stuff. Hang in there, GAL maybe if he see you starting to move on he will have second thoughts. It seems to have affected my W. Don't know if she will want to reconnect or not. She has reconnected with S's. With almost no contact with them except for Christmas, she has called S26 twice in the last three weeks and visited S27 twice at his home in the same time. Maybe she is getting into acceptance.

I can only hope.

Mike

[micoms]

Grid,

I think your thread locked up, I can't post there. Thought mine did also and started a new one, now I see it's still open.

Mike

[grid, lost]

In order to get to the goal of getting M back you have to let go of your anger, I thought you were there. I know you had become friendlier with your H, got a Bday gift and stuff. Hang in there, GAL maybe if he see you starting to move on he will have second thoughts. It seems to have affected my W. Don't know if she will want to reconnect or not.

Mike,
I really do believe your W is coming around. Just going to take a lot of time. Of course as long as the OM is in picture there is a big problem. that is another entire issue in addition to MLC.
Yea, I thought i had gotten beyond the anger with H. Maybe the problem is I feel i have and then H will not even move in any direction and no matter what I do. then I just loose it. I have been really abandoned by H and the pain is so unreal. Remember I do not have any family etc. All deceased. Since I'm not able to work the isolation is terrible and i can't travel. Best for me is to just GAL and forget the M/R.
H will stay with OW as long as she will keep him. He has issues other than just MLC and has never dealt with them. So guess at the present have to say, it really is over. never sent a gift to H. Wrote him and told him there are a couple things for him and he didn't even acknowledge that part. So his point is becoming rather clear.
Coach told me he has checked out of life and until he desides to come back there really isn't anything I can do.
I am a person who goes after a goal once I know what I want. This MLC, etc, OW, is one I can't seem to crack. That and the fact my S ignores me is where the anger comes from.
Maybe in time I will try another phone coach session.
Till then just passing time. You on the other hand are having good things happen, remember, baby steps. Start reading a few posts on OM or OP in relationship, you are going to need to have some knowledge on this matter. Not as simple as would seem, in just end the relationship.
grid, lost

[micoms]

Grid,

Thanks Grid, to me sometimes I don't see a change, but when others say there is some movement on W's part it helps me to see it. I don't think W is seeing OM, I think she wants the D so she will be free to chase him. She thinks that if she is D'd he will go out with her, I guess she thinks he will leave his W for her. Talking to a former co-worker of hers, she says OM will never leave his W for her. W has not spoken to this friend/ co-worker(female) for a while. Co-worker told me she told W that she was stupid for wanting to leave, that I don't go out drinking after work, don't physically or mentally abuse her, we make a good amt of money(W doesn't have to work she wants to), I don't run around on her... W stopped talking to her after that conversation.

I think if you GAL, have friends to go out for dinner, movies etc, and just be a friend to H, don't expect anything from him. I wonder if when you have seen some movement on his part, like when he bought a b-day present, you tend to pursue a little and H withdraws again. Just a thought. Go about with GAL, I know that's what I've been doing, visiting friends seeing S27 and his family more now, ... Our best friend's S is getting married in April, I was thinking about asking my W to be my date for it. I got an invitation for myself and a guest.

Going to see D24 and take her and GS to Chucky Cheese for pizza and games. I'll ask W if she wants to go also. We'll do it in the afternoon, I'll have to leave her house to have drinks with a friend. Hopefully W will ask if I have a date, if she does I'll say I'd rather have one with you, lets go. Don't know if she will, I know she will give a hundred reasons, I don't have anything to wear, I have to go to work in AM, ... I did ask her to have dinner with me, she asked why . I told her even though you want a D I still care about you and like to spend time with you. Should I have said something other than that? What could I say that would be different, not so pursuing?

I think your thread locked up grid, might have to start a new one.

Mike

[grid, lost]

Co-worker told me she told W that she was stupid for wanting to leave, that I don't go out drinking after work, don't physically or mentally abuse her, we make a good amt of money(W doesn't have to work she wants to), I don't run around on her... W stopped talking to her after that conversation.

LOL, well so much for that friend, "off with her head"! At least that must have been what your W was thinking after reality check up with friend. W at the very least must have an EA going on with OM. I have learned our S will go through a lot of pain ending such R if they deside to workon the M. Try to enlighten yourself a bit in this area. Watch for other postings on this subject on boards. Mike donot want W to hurt you more and if you realize the emotional toll might protect you. Not coming across very well I realize.

just be a friend to H, don't expect anything from him. I wonder if when you have seen some movement on his part, like when he bought a b-day present, you tend to pursue a little and H withdraws again.

Oh yes you are so correct mike, problem is that is exactly what H wants, three of us to be friends. Plus H does not want to put anything into this. Tiss I who should do the work. Dear friend of mine just this evening said to me or rather was asking about H, etc. Her comment really took me by surprise. She said it is about time he realize, needs to stop acting like a 5 yr old boy who runs to his room and wouldn't come out. His behavior is going to start hurting your business. My comment was nothing I can do and friend agreed. So guess to sum it up, sorta like trying to have an adult friendship with a 5yr old. lol Then again you may be correct without realizing it I pursue him and he runs. H use to like that about me. Those were the days as they say.

Our best friend's S is getting married in April, I was thinking about asking my W to be my date for it. I got an invitation for myself and a guest.

...
Maybe you should hold off for a while. Ask coach, if you are to keep W wondering what you are doing, well do you think taking her to a wedding,etc. is best option or course of action? I don't know?

I did ask her to have dinner with me, she asked why . I told her even though you want a D I still care about you and like to spend time with you. Should I have said something other than that? What could I say that would be different, not so pursuing?

Good question! I got it , next time make a joke out of and say, I'm asking you because I need to have a couple practise dates before the real thing again. You willing to help me out?
How would W react to an answer like that one i jus put down? Flip, laugh, ignore you? Slap you in the face??? lol Honest? Ever think of trying to approach it from a non R point of view?
Mike, yes I am aware my thread locked up and must start a new one. Thought i would wait a bit till my mood is not quite so blue other wise I'll have to type in blue ink.
time to go and check on voting results. OHIO please go HC. Please.
grid, lost

[micoms]

Grid,

I think Ohio went to HC. I don't think it will make a difference who the Pres is, they will do what's best for their party first, if it's good for the country second.

Like I said W isn't seeing OM now. D24 says W works and comes home, she will go out with her best friend who is my best friends W. They try to get info about me from him, we talk about it and decide. They wanted him to find out if I'm dating someone, told him to say I would only say it was a friend. He's the one who told me W said she drove by the house to check if I came home. I have driven by D's house during the day, you can see her house from the main road, and have seen W's car there during the day. I drive around for my job quite a bit. Probably about 100 to 250 a day. D's house is 3 houses off a state route.

I need to find an alarm that will go off if W drives by to check on me!! If she did it once I would think she will do it again. Although I'd like to see her do it.

Mike

[grid, lost]

Mike
When is your next phone coach session?
Ever ask W to go out to dinner with you as planned?
Spoke with my H the other evening on telly, stuff about house. he started using foul language and I calmly said I'm not taking this language abuse and said good-bye.
Later H called me back and said he was calling on a more neutral issue. He was much nicer on phone.
Believe he is starting to be surprised when I just end a conversation and will not deal with his nasty mean attitude.
Other than that all is quiet on the home front. H agreed in Mid April to come and dog sit for me if I wanted to go away for weekend. never told him where I was going and he now knows not to ask.
Hated to ask him to come and dog sit.
What is a LBS to do????? lol
cheers,
grid, lost

[micoms]

Grid,

I have to call and set up next session. I asked her to go to Chucky Cheese with me D's And S26 and GS, but she gave an excuse about needing to do laundry. Met with her and attys today for property settlement. She only wants her knick knacks, some dishes and cookware, and the love seat. I've agreed to sell the 57 Chevy, don't know what it's worth, it's not restored but only 116k miles.We had a lot of fun with that car. I need to decide if I want to keep the house and give her her half of the equity or sell it and split it.

Good job on letting H not talk that way to you. Where are you going on your weekend get away? Maybe some time back in the house and with the dogs will have some effect on him.

Take care.

Mike

[grid, lost]

My W has had a OM, he is married, she thinks in her MLC mind he will take her out on a date if she gets a D.

Mike,
How long ago was this?

When did you first find out?

How did you find out?

Reason I am askng is to get a bit more of a back ground on you twos past b/f WAW set in.
grid, lost

[grid, lost]

I have to call and set up next session.

Ok, Mike, get to it and set up another session. You made progress after the first session and time is a flying.
Remember, we are here and supporting each other for DBing, not to go for a D if at all possible to avoid.

but she gave an excuse about needing to do laundry.

OUCH! Been there and done that one. Hurts when S will not just come out and be honest, as in saying Thank you but I'd rather not. Did either of your kids hear you ask her? If so how did they react? Not that I am suggesting put them on spot or try to use them, as that would be cruel and wrong.

She only wants her knick knacks, some dishes and cookware, and the love seat. I've agreed to sell the 57 Chevy, don't know what it's worth, it's not restored but only 116k miles.We had a lot of fun with that car.

LOL, ok, wait till reality hits her. 57 chevy, hell I was 2 yrs old then! lol, what color is the car? Remember you may sell the car but will always have those wonderful memories. Why don't you shine it up and take to the Carlisle, Pa. car show? Big crowds! fun weekend, for sure, tax write off. Lots to do and see there. How far is Harrisburg, Pa from you. show is about 30 minutes, west and bit south of Harrisburg.

I need to decide if I want to keep the house and give her her half of the equity or sell it and split it.

MMMMM..what are your thoughts on that one???? How is market in your area? Market here is unchanged from 2 yrs ago. Maybe slowing down a bit, but not much. If you sell, you'd be selling home kids grew up in correct? If that is so, so much for our D does not affect the kids. Do you want all that added stress and cost? I would be staying right here if it were not for my dogs and life style with them. Funny first year H was gone I wanted to get out of this house and all memories. Now I have become such friends with neighbor across road wish didn't have to move. Funny how time changes things for us.
If you buy-out W, take out a 30 yr. mortgage and make 2 or 3 extra payments applied to the "principal only" each year and before you know it, paid off way early. Plus safety of a low monthly payment. Sorta creates an intangible disability policy if you follow me.

Good job on letting H not talk that way to you. Where are you going on your weekend get away? Maybe some time back in the house and with the dogs will have some effect on him.

thank you! I am so tired of his foul negative mouth and do not feel should have to listen to it. Wouldn't put up with it from someone else so why him, right??? Not meaning to leave impression he is a nasty person, just can go off on these rants of negative and foul mouth which I hate and always have. Since MLC this behavior became regular MO for H. So he doesn't want to deal with me well neither do I with he.
H called tonight to say he had purch. some necessary stuff for business and used a debit/credit card, not quite a debit card as takes 2 or 3 days to hit the account but not a credit card as hits directly to the cash account in couple business days. Of course tells me this after the fact, credti union is closed and it is weekend. Which means most likely Monday all will hit the account and we will be short. Plus now H has to mail me all the docs. which then will become lost.

So sick of dealing with this. Now you can see why we are not getting along. Want to live normal again and not play this game. Maybe I should set up another phone session. Hope you can pick up in my posting how short fuse I have become with H. Tired of playing his game. Want a normal life again with him or without him.
Well thank you for letting me rant for a while. Hope your weekend is going better than mine. tomorrow I am giving some time to SpCA. That should help.
OOPS, nearly forgot, my trip. going with friends on a 2 day bus trip to Inner-Harbor MD and then the next day to Washington, DC. Be nice to get away, see some sights and laugh with friends. I have not laughed in so long!!!!

grid, lost