Hello Mr. MLC part deux!!

[Forrest Gump]

Sage down. I am posting from my phone in the doctors office. Got a bad case of the Flu.

Right now is your time to shine. Don't fret over what he has said just keep your head up and act as if nothing is happening.

I know its hard but do not worry about it until you have signed paper work. I am still around. The info. just isn't flowing right now.

Just put it out of your mind. Yes I know it seems impossible. Alone time sucks.

Here I am sick as a dog and I won't be able to sleep knowing the pain you are going thru. Just remember II am thinking about you. I am spinning a solution for you.

Remember I have a big box.

[mymonkeybug]

Oh Forrest-you are such a doll. You could have just told me you would get back to me since you were so sick. I hope you feel better really soon.

I know you will have some wise nuggets for me. Right now I have decided to just go along as if things are normal, or at least the normal they have been the last 3 months. Until I get served with these so called legal seperation papers I will not fret or panic anymore. I did all that with him earlier and begged and pleaded and asked him to please not do this to his family. You know the usual needy stuff.

The kids and I will go on this trip and come home refreshed having had a very good time.

My thought is this...almost like an epiphany...so let's say he decided not to do this that won't really make our situation any better as we will still be in this sperated rutt. At least if he did file, there would be some movement to what is happening and things can be brought out into the open and he will finally be forced into giving me straight answers I think as opposed to all the I don't knows and one thing one day then something else the next. Just a thought, maybe a way off one but my brian is still buzzing.

Yep you know me by now, Analyzer Heather always thinking about how to change the scenario and what makes it tick.

Really though FG get well and reply when you are up to it. I can wait a couple days or a few if need be. Heck I will be leaving Sat. and don't know if I will ahve access or time to get online.

[smith18]

Sage down. I am posting from my phone in the doctors office. Got a bad case of the Flu.

Hope you get better soon FG. I have had the bad case of the Flu a couple times in my life and it is terrible. I am curious whether you got vaccinated this year?

[fb2]

I know that sinking feeling that comes with the papers. Let's hope Forrest gets well soon and spins his big box.

[mymonkeybug]

Well here it is a new day. The day after yesterday when H told me he spoke with a L and has indeed started the paperwork to proceed with legal seperation. My mind is a swirling torrent of thoughts and emotions.

I want to go on this trip and never come home and I think he is worried I will stay away with the kids because he even asked me that yesterday, "Are you bringing my kids home?" He explained that that was just as silly a question as me asking him yesterday if he was doing drugs. To which I told him that I can't imagine knowing him for almost 20 years and who he really is deep in his soul that there could be any other explanation for such out of character behavoir from him.

I want to lash out and get mean and ugly and fight until I bleed but then I also want to curl into a ball and let him win because my emotions have been beaten to hell these last 3 months and yesterday was just like day one all over again. Hell all the digestive upset came back and I think the LBS diet will be starting again...lol. See there is still some of me in here somewhere, the humor that always gets me smiling.

I thought I was accepting the emotions and the roller coaster ride and it felt like I could get my emotins back in check rather well and quickly then this yesterday. Yes, I know it is only paper, paper I haven't even gotten yet but...

I believe knowing him as I do that he is pissed about the income tax return issue. Heck that could come around to bite me in the behind I suppose but he was informed by me that I needed it to pay the mortgage since his pay tanked so badly. I also think he is trying to force the sale of the house now because with his current pay the house is really honestly the only thing he CAN pay for along with a utility or 2. He is in major panic mode.

I told him yesterday that had he simply come to me before leaving and told me he really knew he could no longer provide this life for us and simply couldn't handle the mortgage payment and the hour to hour and twenty minute drive each way for work anymore and that something had to give or he would bail we would have worked this out and I would have willingly sold the house and down sized and moved back closer to his work because saving our family should have been the only priority for us but that he denied me the opportunity to know how he really felt and thus the chance to help fix it all. That is at least how it looks from my side of the fence I told him.

Thanks everyone for reading and listening, the support from here is one of the things that keeps me going.

[mymonkeybug]

I just wanted to share a thought...I was looking through other forums and reading some other threads in hopes of finding something helpful and I have noticed that there is an awful lot of other people in a very long term M that is now falling apart. For instance H and I M for 15 years together almost 20 and I see others in here M for, 18, 20, even 24 years with teenage kids now and the marriage is in dissaray and trouble. Is there some serious epidemic here? Now I know there are those of you wonderful men here that are helping me who have WAW's but it seems like the majority of folks here in the boards posting are women whose H's have walked away.

I don't want to offend any of you but how in the world can it be so damn easy for men to just up and walk out on their families because of finances or what they think is a better piece of a** or some other dumn f*** reason. Oh yeah, the anger towards H is growing now as you can tell...and again I don't mean to be judegemental as I know not ALL of you great men would walk out so Kerry, RTL, FG, Bryan, and others don't take my ramblings as an attack towards you all personally for it isn't.

And how after so many years of being your wifes best friend and lover and soul mate can you walk out and literally shut down 200% emotionally with her as my H has done? He can't barely look me in the eye, hardly speaks to me, and doesn't call or text unless it is in reply to me. He doesn't initiate anything except the text yesterday asking for 3 years worth of W2's for us each knowing I just went back to work in October from being a fulltime mom for almost 9 years.

OK, yep see I have learned to come here and journal my thoughts instead of calling him and reaming him with them. I am getting that part of all this at least.

[smith18]

Heather - It is so difficult to understand why someone does not have the same desire at perserving an M as the LBS. Dont waste your energy trying. When I talk with my mom, who was also a WAS, she too trys to figure my W out. I just tell her that it is not worth the effort because I dont think even my W knows.

As for the perception that there are more men walking away, I dont know if that is the case. The statistics indicate that 2 out of every 3 divorces are filed by women. Some of those who filed may be the LBS (like myself), however, I suspect that most D's are probably filed by the WAS.

I guess I have to look at your situation as not all that bad because your H is filing legal separation. That means that he is not necessarily done with the M in his mind. Do you know why he did not file for a D? It could be that a legal separation is something he is doing so as to feel not so guilty in dating. I have not read any other stories here where a legal separation was done. It could be he is doing it for just financial reasons now.

And yes, you cant ream him with any issues on your mind now. That is what this forum is for.

[mymonkeybug]

Kerry-

On my way out for therapy so I can vent with her...lol but wanted to reply first.

In Maryland you have to be seperated for a year first before you can have a divorce granted unless you can prove adultery or cruel and violent acts by the spouse to yourself or children, none of which he can claim. We don't in Maryland however HAVE to file a LEGAL seperation in order to divorce in 12 months as long as we both testify that we lived apart without sex for 12 months.

I believe right now for him it is a financial. I think he may believe that if he files legal seperation he can force me into selling the house. He may believe that, been told he can by frineds, or been told he can by this L he claims to have talked to but he did say he has talked to PEOPLE. Whatever that means. Or I could be way off and it could be due to a desire to date and no longer hide what may or may not be happening with another woman.

All I know is that I have an appt. with a L tomorrow for a FREE initial consult. and I feel better about this now because the LIMBO feeling for the last 3 months of hoping he comes to his senses and comes home is almost changing to relief now. Relief that at least there is some sort of movement by him, not the movement I wanted but at least he isn't filling my head with, "I don't know" and "This is just the way it is now" and the other stuff he would say that made no sense.

I will continue to vent and post here and let everyone know how this consult. goes tomorrow.

[mymonkeybug]

I keep thinking about FG's words, "It is my time to shine" I contemplate that and think what I need to do to shine. I need to make a major 180 in what I am doing. I am insistant that the house will not be sold just yet but maybe to shine I need to list it once I get back in a week. Show H that I am willing to meet him in the middle rather than insist he continue to pay a mortgage HE can't afford. I love him no matter what has happened and while I don't want to make life super easy for him I also don't want to be Queen B about it.

The kids and I can stay here in our town and rent a smaller less expensive home that H can more reasonably afford and then possibly still be able to get his own place, unlikely but you never know. In staying here in our town the kids can continue at their school and keep their friends and I have 2 great p/t jobs that I truly enjoy and don't want to leave.

On the other hand I look at this list the free family attorney at the court hosue yesterday gave me and I could by the look sof things nail him to the wall but I don't have it in me to do that to him, anyon else probably but not him. At the same time I keep hearing from folks, "you have to think of the kids" or "he is only ocncerned with himself and not the kids" and other common things.

Yes I will enjoy my trip but will be thinking this situation over the entire time I am gone.

[Forrest Gump]

The force is strong with this one.

Sometimes we take the hard way to get somewhere easy. Actually about 99% of the time we take the hard way.

Lets try a different approach.

Look at the control you are giving to him. Anything he does. You respond. Anything you think he thinks. You respond.

I have said it before and I will say it once again. You two are doing the exact same thing you were doing... Only separately. The results are the same.

Now you posted here. That entitles you to my vote as the one to "Do Something Different." That one vote also cements your position as President of Doing Something Different.

Now that you know who you are lets discuss some of your responsibility's.

#1. You must try with all your heart and mind to show no "Emotion" to opposing countries.

#2. You must post your "Emotion" here for all to see and mock.

#3. You must find at least 2 things outside of DB board that will take your mind off the other countries for at least 1 hour.

Some suggestions for #3.

Swimming.
Running.
Calling an old friend (Female) and talking about the things you used to do.
Vacuuming the house naked.
Long drive in the car.
Woodworking. Naked

Sorry that last one was just funny.

Those 3 things will help you become more prepared.

Ok now onto the fun stuff.

Go see the lawyer if you really need to. I know it feels like the right thing to do. Just tread carefully. Never tell the other country what the lawyer said. You will likely be a little disappointed in the way our legal system works. Remember.. You have 1 year from the day he signs the papers till the deed is done. Do you want to know why they allow you to just say we have been separated a year? Cause no one makes any money from a separation. Its the big D that makes the money flow. A year is a long F'ing time. Think about how long your days are now and multiply them by 365. Do not be in a hurry.

K I am feeling a little better.. Still not 100% I hope to give you lots to think about this weekend.

As a matter of fact I am gonna call for a presidential silence from you until Monday night. You only contact the other countries if it relates directly to the situation at hand. He wants to say goodnight to the kids. Or just general info. No discussion of policy on this trip. Tell him FG said so. I mean I am gonna get blamed when you are standing in front of the judge anyway.

I will be back I have to take a break.