I have not posted for a while but its time to get back on the horse and get refocussed.
For the record here is the short version of my journey
Dec06 W tells me that we should separate Late Jan 07 I find this board and order DR Late June 07 W moved out leaving me with kids. Jan 08 W moves to cottage and we share custody of D12.
All through this period we have kept in regular contact and I have tried and succeded I think in applying the principals of Divorce Busting.
I already consider this a success as we have succeded in remaining friends through this and have delt with things between us quite well.
Now things have changed a little.
We went out together in the weekend to a concert at which assisted by alcohol we shared some very close moments with a passion that we have not had between us for a couple of years.
It was certainly a bit dream like holding each other like we did years ago. Now we are back to reality and have both backed off feeling somewhat confused. W has despite this shown a softer attitude towards me over the last few days and I have being seeing a bit more of the women I remember.
Thats about it for now, no pursuing and back to doing what we were doing. No expectations.
I do realise that I am not really done and realy need to refocus on the goal , experiment with what works and what doesn't.
What I do know is ;
I am more alive now than i have been in years , I am happier in most respects than i have been. I have my W as a friend right now and she also considers me as a close friend. We still both have baggage from our old R that gets in the way from time to time but we both seem to be able to get over any problems quickly.
I dont see us back together in the medium term as W still has a different path to follow right now , but thats OK with me.
Hi Dave! Glad you posted an update, it is good to get to see how others in similar sitches are handling things. Sounds like you are on the right path for you. I hope your W can find the path that brings her happiness. Who knows, maybe you will be able to grow together!
Best wishes, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
had another interesting Weekend . W comes over Sat afternoon and hangs out for takeaway dinner which is usual , its our family time when we are all together , we have done this right through our Separation. Then she stays until 10.30pm which is unusual, Also tells me she and D are going to a horse show sunday ( I took D last year ) and invited me along. I said I would think on it.
W arives Sun morning and again asks if I will come ( first time shes invited me anywhere for a long time ) So I said yes and we had a good time . W hung out at home for balance of the afternoon stayed for dinner and left in the early evening.
I am not sure what to make of this. There are some scenarios.
1. She is short on cash so she got me along as she knew i would pay and a couple of free meals never hurts ...amusing but not too likely.
2. She is missing her family time , is aware that I still have feelings ( last weekend demonstrated that ) , is aware that she still has feelings . so feeling a bit more comfortable around me. But like me unsure so just testing the water a little.
" theres something happening here but I dont know what it is "
To say i am confused is an understatement so I am adopting the attitude of being mildly receptive but very cautious. This could be early piecing or it could just be that comfort thing , only time and observation will tell.
I know its important now for me not to loose my cool and become impatient. We has a long way to go before we come close to getting back together, and I do not even know if that will be the right thing.
Dave, I had a similar thing happen to me today. I went outside this morning to do some work on the house. W comes out and pulls a lawn chair over to where I am working and sits down. I keep working for a while, we chat a bit, etc. I finish working and she gets up and follows me back inside.
I think she is starting to figure out that the 17 years that we have spent together and the 2 kids we are raising together form something that she will never have with anyone else. She still doesn't feel any love towards me and is still in contact with OM, but also does not want to lose this. Is it possible that your W is in a similar place?
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
There is probably a lot in that. She does not communicate how she feels so I could only Guess. Thats why the best action is to stay on course and observe. There is a lot of the old W showing though and its thrown me a little. Was actualy easier when she was headed in one direction ( i.e away ) . Now I find myself thinking that reconciliation could be possible. I need to see more of the same before I go too far though, as could all be a "flash in the pan". I guess this is mild WAS behaviour on my part. Was not too long ago I was pretty sure I was done , now I have seen changed behaviour , I am starting to think possibly we could do this. But I am going to need to see these changes over time. What I am doing is rewarding by saying thanks , or a quick text , any behaviour thats constructive.
Its time to dust off DR books and refresh I think.
Seems like a potentially confusing time for both you and your W. That's a lot of shared history together! At a quick glance, it does seem like there is some tentative testing behaviour going on. Good job for reinforcing it selectively! It does sound to me like something is going on chemistry wise between the two of you that is different lately. The question is (as always isn't it?): what does it all mean??
You're responding in a way that sounds balanced and you have both eyes open, so keep us posted!
I track you down after way too long a break, and look what i find!! Sounds like you've got our old nemesis, Mr high Expectations, firmly in check... boy, what i wouldn't give for some real old-fashioned passion!! The limited physical interaction between H and me couldn't really be categorized as passionate...
Slow and steady my friend...
Come visit over in Infidelity (that sounds VERY strange, doesn't it...)
Glad to see your update, and although I don't want to get you too giddy, I'm grinning from ear to ear after reading your posts! We all knew it was going to be a marathon when we first signed on to this DBing venture, and it seems that you might be quite a few miles into it now. I'm extremely happy for you and how things are going with W. It's totally awesome that she is initiating some out-of-the-ordinary contact with you -- what a step forward!
Good for you in keeping the patience at the forefront of this new leg of the run. I'm sure that doing so will continue to pay off for you.
Take care brotha, and keep up the occasional post, eh? We've all gotta keep in touch somehow from time to time!
Purr, You are right on the testing , I need to keep thinking when she is around , not get sucked in to reacting in ways that I would have pre DB'ing. Example W was home yesterday , and not in one her better moods , once apon a time I would have reflected her mood right back at her , with the usual result. This time she was trying to read E mail and the computer was going extra slow , I just asked is something frustrating you I can help with ? She expresssed her frustration about it being slow , I validatated and left her too it. Her mood picked up soon after. The lesson here is that nothing needs to be fixed , she just wants someone to share her feeling.
L
Slow and steady is the way for sure. Its so good to hear from you.
GD
Being patient is not easy , but I seem to be right back in the game. But its quite a different game. I would bet neither of us wants our old M , we both are unsure about each other and if we want a future together. We are both reasonably unattached .
There has been no passionate contact since that night but perhaps the desire is hiding under the surface.
I wanted to go out and have some beers with friends last night and asked W to drop me off on her way home , which she did happily. Later my expected ride home did not eventuate so I though why not text W . 20 minutes later she arrives, Quite happy to give me a lift and looking for a Kiss when she dropped me off.
W and me have backed off a bit. W finding it stressful to spend time with me (her words) .
In saying that she spent most of the day here yesterday (sunday), went for walk with D12 together , had dinner and watched some TV. She started off withdrawn but was quite happy by time she left.
Now my take on this is she is clearly not stressed spending time together , seems to enjoy it otherwise why would she come around . It would be just as easy for her to entertain D at her house.
What I suspect is stressing her is when she is apart and alone , shes has set out on a path that would have been easyier if I had stayed the same old me. But I have not acted as predicted and this just may be causing her wheels to wobble , starting to doubt what she is up to , and therefore causing stress.
Then it may just be my wishful thinking. It has been hard to stay patient and I have been a little pursuing at time , this is not always met with negative results as long as it is nothing too big. She likes text messages and being teased not too much more. I also contact her over matter of fact stuff and let her start with the friendly stuff , then run with it.
We are actualy way ahead of 12 months ago but sometimes it still seems such a distant goal.
It would be easier to give up but I am sort of enjoying the game.
