The Longest Journey

[SDFoundGirl]

OTOH, sometimes I feel like a real chickensh!t taking things so slowly, rather than just Laying It All On The Table and going for The Big Relationship Overhaul.

Am I being patient, or am I avoid conflict and coasting too much in the ol' Comfort Zone? Some of both, I guess. And so, the journey continues.

I totally understand what you're talking about! However, I do think there's a balance between the ginormous conference about Our Marriage and not talking about things at all. It's that balance I'm seeking personally...and I really can't control what H does.

So an example. One thing H has been doing that finally just made me crazy was to say, "Maybe someday I'll get scratches," (meaning I'd scratch his back like he does mine). Little whiny tone, lots of implication that he was the martyr/victim/etc. Now, when he asks, when he sits forward, I always rub or scratch his back. The issue? He rarely asks or sits forward or indicates in any way that he'd like me to do that. Me? I ask. I do what we've labeled the "Slide Over and Lean," that is my code for scratch my back please.

But I'm supposed to mind read or beg him to let me, and if I don't, he's somehow a victim.

Anyway, I called him on it this week, and he tried to play it off like it's something he just says, he doesn't sit and think about how I never scratch his back, etc. So I allowed that maybe he wasn't consciously thinking about it, but that making those comments repeatedly with tone implied that somewhere in his subconscious, he was bothered by it.

So I told him I didn't like the comments and they made me feel bad, like I should feel guilty. Then I told him that was bogus, and that if he wanted scratches or anything else, all he had to do was *gasp* ask. Scoot and lean. I reminded him how this was his M.O. before, and how when he'd asked for what he wanted, he got it. He tried to weasel out of it, but I just put it out there again and told him I refused to feel guilty about something when I hadn't done anything wrong and that it was his responsibility to ask for what he wants, period.

And then I was done. No drama, just enjoying the evening together on the couch. He'll either ask or he'll be a big pooty potty and keep playing the victim chicken.

I'm very touchy feely BTW, so I'll rub his back or scratch it if we're in the kitchen or out somewhere or whatever. So I don't get this B.S.

I actually think, folks, that I was the lucky one to discover DB and get over my fears and take responsibility for my own happiness. I ask for what I want these days instead of sitting back wishing for it.

Anyway, Rob, I'll bet you do more of this sort of thing than you think, and I think that's the middle ground. If not, what's holding you back?

Doing better...H is stepping it up a bit...I swear I feel like I'm talking to my middle schoolers sometimes though as many times as I have to repeat myself....

SD