2nd Post: My H just returned for a second time

[cat03]

My H hates life and people and responsibilities. I am pretty sure he is still infatuated with that stripper and he definitely still goes to see her. He has become a huge alcoholic. He admittedly says he is depressed and cant sleep, and spends money like its going out of style. There is just no resemblences of my old H left for me to cling on to anymore. It sucks!

scary, you could be describing my H! (ow isnt' a striper but a paid escort/ho, and his debts have caught up with him and he owes thousands now and is panicking). Sooner or later your H's responsibilities will catch up with him, it's only a matter of time.

Everytime I get my mind off him for a bit, the memories (good and bad) come rushing in and flood me with emotions that I simply don't know how to deal with anymore.

This is what I do, I've divided my life with my H in 2: the one before he left the first time, when he was a good man/H, a responsible father, and the "after" H, the broken, selfish, alien of a man he's become. So, I'm able to recall the good times without much hurt, just some yearning, but still keep them because I had a chance to love and be loved and we had great times that will be buried treasures in the back of my mind. That good man has nothing to do with the awful own who threatened me with a L for the past week or the one who put ow first and disregard my feelings, that men I DO NOT NEED, I would not want a man who cares nothing for my feelings, whom I gave chance after chance and who betray me time after time.

I want you to read this old thread of mine, when I had to learn to let go of H because of him being toxic and dragging me down again and again... (the bottom half of the pg)

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1300192&page=4&fpart=7

[Tipper]

Tia,
I don't know if you know, but my H's third time back only lasted a week. Then he left again because I said I dont like the amount of drinking and time he spends at the bars.

So yes he was back, but now is gone again.

I do agree that he needs to get counseling, but that would take a miracle of some sort for him to ever go. He has always been completely against it.

I feel like my love is dying in every way, and it is too scarey to deal with. I never wanted this to happen, and it was all such a shock cuz I thought we had an incredible life and love together. It is all gone now, and I just have to deal with it.
TIPPER

[fooled again]

Tipper,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this again. Remember that what is going on w/ your H is not about you or your life together. He is a mess, he is depressed and is likely self medicating using alcohol and the OW. He has nothing to give you right now, and will continue to take more from you than you have to give.

I of all people know how difficult it is to detach. In fact every day I have to talk to myself, remind myself that I have to take care of me first, my D second. My H has to take care of himself and find his way through his MLC and depression. I can't help him until he has reached the point where he wants or needs my help, or someone's help. It has been over 3 yrs since this began for him, over 2 yrs since he began his A, and over one yr since he moved out. Only in the past few months have I heard him start to say things that show he is working on "figuring things out". But always the "figuring out" involves some time with me, and alot of time away from me.

I can understand how scared you are, scared of losing something you thought you would have forever. But fear of losing something is not a very good way to live your life - I know this b/c I lived in fear for over a year, and it ate me up inside. I suggest that you step completely back from your H, your M and place the burden of both down on the ground. Be selfish and do everything you can to take care of yourself.

As always, you're in my thoughts. ((((Hug))))

FA

[Tipper]

Fa,
You are so right.

I just got the book by jim conway about Men in MLC. It is allready really helpful to me and my understanding how this is all about my H's issues and that hopefully my H will come out of this a better person.

I sometimes wonder why I am so hurt by my H and his doings. It just seems impossible to ignore and not let it bother me some times. I think this last week or two were especially bad since he had just left me again.

I feel like my H's and your H's time lines are kindof similar. Three yrs ago, he went into debt and I could see his depression and unhappiness, then 2 yrs ago he was constantly angry and dissatisfied with everything in life and left me in the dust along with having an EA, now the third yr I feel like he has spent much of it in replay and still looking for bandaids along with cycling back and forth with me. One day he says he loves me dearly and the next he wants nothing to do with me.

I know I have to be strong, have patience, and keep my goals in focus. But I dip through such hard battles with this at times.

I hope your H is coming through the tunnel. When he is gone, does your H still seem to be seeking bandaids or is he apparently done with that part of the phase?
My H still seeks booze and acceptance from random people, and now his next thing is that he wants to go buy a house instead of renting any longer. This scares me due to his financial situation and because I am sure it is because he wants to have a dog of his own.

Your also in my Thoughts,
TIPPER

[Tipper]

Cat,

Thanks for sending me your old thread. I have a feeling our H's situations are pretty similar.

I have heard people tell me before that my H is toxic to me. And that I need to let go completely. I just don't know how when my emotions come rushing at me all the time.

I live alone, and try to stay very busy GAl but a deep sadness always seems to find a way into my mind.

I also split the old H from the MLC H that I see now. We had an incredible past and a life together most people would die for. I just can't believe that he doesn't want it anymore. But those are the facts, and I am stuck dealing with it. It is sooooooooooooooo hard for me to not think about him and cry. I sometimes do allright, but mostly he consumes me.
TIPPER

[Tia]

Tia,
I don't know if you know, but my H's third time back only lasted a week. Then he left again because I said I dont like the amount of drinking and time he spends at the bars.

If I were there, I would hug you! I know its not easy. But, do not give up! Michele mentioned, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."

Tipper, he came home four times! Kissak was correct, this happens with other MLC'ers. (Typo existed earlier.) Heck, some come home and leave seven or more times! But there is hope. However, you must believe it! Go into your Secret Place and seek solutions. In each case, what caused him to leave? Write it down, and do NOT repeat it!

IMHO, his last *attempt* did not last b/c you over-pursued. Mind you, he has problems. Your 180/GAL attempts helped. However, you spent a lot of time together, got drunk, and nagged. I strongly recommend to go back with the GAL/180s. Be consistent! Even if he moves back in, stay away from R issues, and continue the GAL/180s. Remember what Michele says? Keep doing what works! In time, you can both address solution-oriented therapy, boundaries, and marital goals.

He's an MLC'er, a heavy drinker, with a possible BPD condition. In DR, Michele recommends that MLC wives become patient listeners. You can validate what he says, but do not agree w/ it! Hopefully, while you detach, he'll come around. As you learned before, nagging, yelling, and over-pursuing does NOT work!

I asked you to review the KLA forum. It offers a wealth of information. You can initiate the changes yourself. You can start today!

Al my love and support,
/Tia

[Tipper]

Tia,
I will look into the KLA forum, as I can use anything that can help. I have searched there before, but constantly can not figure out what it is that I need to work on.

Every issue my H has ever brought up about me is immediately contridicted in the next conversation. Every time I have ever done anything he doesn't like he blows up at me, but then will later say oh it really was no big deal or that I took it the wrong way. And the efforts I take to make up for mistakes are always "too little too late".

The only major issue he always brings up is that I didn't support him and his business by not purchasing these two houses that he wanted. My decision to say "no" was a sound one, he was in debt, the houses were dumps, I was teaching full time, coaching Varsity cheerleading and going to grad school and told him I didn't think I could help him with the fixer uppers and personally didn't want to move into one of them.He bought them with out me and ever since, he has resented me. I did everything possible to make up for it and I bought us a duplex that was way better and he loved. But it was too little too late.

When he left me the second time, he admitted that I have been great to him and that he knows that I was putting 100% into our marriage, but he could only give 50% cause he simply doesn't feel the passion for me anymore.

I am attractive and young and full of life and love and I have a great group of friends. I am a teacher, a coach, a romantic, and love to do hobbies & sports. My H is a short but very attractive contractor, a heavy drinker, depressed, money hungry, hates life and the hand he was dealt, and most of our old friends cant stand him now.

So sometimes I get really urked that I am constantly reading things that tell me to work on myself and improving me. I am not trying to be concieted, but I feel like I have done the best I can for myself allready. I know that no one is perfect, but I am very content with the life I have built for myself and the person that I am. Many people admire me and most people pity my H. WHAT ABOUT HIM WORKING ON IMPROVING HIMSELF.

I guess this is the point I am at. I have done everything I can and could to please this man, and nothing was ever enough. He has major issues and until he fixes them, I simply feel like he is not worthy of coming back to me.

So yes, I really wanted his third time back to last, but after one short week, I could tell their are some major issues he still need to be alone to deal with and hopefully fix. This was my breaking point, for the first time in my life I stood up to him and told him he is the one with problems I don't like, instead of vice versa. It wasn't easy but I know it was the right choice even though yelling and pursuing don't help me get him back, this did let me take the upper hand for once in our M.

I sure won't give up yet. I also hope that this is just one step in our journey of a thousand miles together. I will detatch and until he proves to me he want to be back, I will consider moving on with my life.
TIPPER

[kissak]

Tipper, he came come four times! This never happened with other spouses. There is hope. However, you must believe in it!

Sorry Tia, but my H came back about 8 or 9 times over a year to "work" on things...gone again, back with the OW...

I wish you the best Tipper. I know how horrible it feels to have them come back and leave, over and over again. You are definitly in my thoughts!

Take care.

[Tipper]

Tia, or does anyone else have any opinions about the above two posts.

I agree with kissak that many H's here come and go many times. What scares me is that each time they walk out the door, it seems to dull our love for them even more.

I feel like I pushed him away, but it needed to be done since he is living a complete different lifestyle - like an adolescent. I could not live with the things he is doing and the way he is acting right now. So I know the techniques I used were things that make them run, but what was i supposed to do, just live without ever telling my thoughts and opinions?

My H text me today a message that I think was supposed to go to someone else (maybe an employee of his). It said: "we need him, or why bother"? I have no idea what it means or why I got it.

I also noticed that he took a picture off my wall with him yesterday when he came in to walk the dog. It was my only picture left of our only nephew and it was hanging in my bedroom. What a jerk, he already has many photos of our nephew and I feel like he did it so that I get the point that they are all no longer my family anymore. Also, why is he going into my bedroom when he is supposed to only be coming in to grab the dog and walk her?
TIPPER

[forward]

"I have done everything I can and could to please this man, and nothing was ever enough."

That's when I started to say, well, I am pleasing myself. I took on too much responsibility for H and that was part of the problem.