Thanks for the support everyone, but I think I screwed the pooch today. Kalni, that means messed everything up big time.
Don't know for sure what happened to start it off. Church group last night was pretty good. All about tough love, setting boundaries and limitations on people who hurt you, etc. Bought the book "Bold Love" per recommendation of pastor. Talks about how being a loving Christian (anyone, though, really) does NOT equal being nice all the time, you have to have standards, etc. Talked about types of "sinners"--don't get uncomfortable it says we are all sinners in one way or another, it just classified those who try their best to be "good people" and those who hurt others repeatedly.
Anyway under adulterers it said those who cheat, esp. those who have done it more than once, rarely respond to mild interventions. Basically it said they are not beyond redemption, but it basically takes the wounded spouse calling for separation or divorce to get their heart to soften to the point they are willing to work on their problems...
So you can guess what I did...I thought about it all night and this morning. Had a typical exchange w/H this morning where we started out upbeat and good and then I made a M-related comment. Dumb! Oh well. He got crabby, missed the exit he was looking for (he was driving when I called) and blamed me for him being lost, etc. Didn't have time to talk to me about this, etc. etc. Same old same old. Said he was tired of the same conversations.
Decided I was too. Spent the morning writing a 6 page letter (I am shadowing another teacher and today was her last day so she did the work b/c she wanted to be with her kids for the last time) to H. It actually was not a bad letter. As you saw from the e-mail exchange last week we are in better control of our thoughts writing than talking. It is something I wanted to do w/MC but we don't have one anymore till H finds one w/new insurance. Bullet points of letter were:
1)You are right I DO send mixed messages. I tell you give me space but at the same time want you to chase after me and show me that you don't want to lose me, sorry that is wrong of me to do.
2)I have spent the last 9 months fighting desperately for our marriage trying to figure out what the problems were so we could fix them, you saw it as nagging but I was honestly trying to sort things out which I couldn't do without all the information.
3)I have been on rollercoaster since Nov (when I found him w/OW). Sometimes so flirty & outgoing b/c I want you to see how we CAN be together, GOOD! And we have been good together many times. Alternately I lash out at you due to the betrayal, and fact that while I am fighting so hard for us you have continued to lie, cheat, avoid dealing w/our relationship. This makes progress impossible and I know in turn I have been unpredictable in my behavior towards you.
4)If you honestly didn't now if we could be together I at least wanted you to WANT to TRY and work on things to find out. For me, you, and the kids. I don't use the kids against you even if you think I do, I am just honestly worried about them growing up in 2 homes.
5)I have been trying so hard b/c I have had dreams and goals since we got married about growing together through a lifetime, raising our kids, etc. and don't want to abandon that dream. I know we can continue to do things as a family but it won't be the same as being together as a family.
6)You often say it shouldn't be this hard. Marriage however does require hard work, perseverance, etc. The difference is that the load is not as heavy when two carry it together. I think our M has become too hard b/c we aren't working on it as a team and haven't acted as a team for so long. I always wanted to draw close to my H and work together in tough times but those are exactly the times you have pulled away. When you are weak I try to handle your load for you but you don't want help. When I do want help you don't allow me to lean on you....
7)Finally, to protect myself emotionally and spiritually, this vicious cycle has to end. I am making that choice now. With all my heart I still love you and want to be married to you but I cannot do this any more. The harder I try the less you do. So I am going to stop fighting it. When I move to Iowa we will be getting separate apartments but with the house to sell I know it will be awhile before we can do that (get apartments). We will need to talk soon re. getting some kind of legal separation of finances and figuring out visitation for the kids, also need to discuss when/how to tell them and our family. I don't know how to be your wife anymore when you show no desire to be my husband. Let's work together to continue creating positive memories for the kids regardless of our situation.
SOOOOO, that pretty much chucked my marriage in the dumpster. I said I can't be your wife anymore, I can't live with things the way they are anymore, etc. And that is all true. But it sucks. I just want him to have that epiphany like Ebeneezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol where he realizes he has been doing all the wrong things and makes the right changes.....but that isn't going to happen around here from the looks of it...
And it is too painful to keep trying all by myself. I know you guys say just lovingly detach, take time out for you, but I suck at doing it right. I don't want to spend the next 12 months flirting w/my husband while we live in separate homes. I also don't want to tuck the kids in bed at our home together a year from now, and then when H goes out for a beer, know he is with some other woman again....
Maybe I made the biggest mistake ever. But I don't know what else to do at this point....
