Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[klm]

I agree this could be nothing. Don't jump to conclusions. If he was up to something...wouldn't he have gone by his friend's house where he is semi-living to shower? Did he know you would be gone and for how long? Just seems like if he was going to lie to you he wouldn't have come back to your house...way to risky.

I think you could ask him without sounding suspicious. Just ask if he came by the house before he went to work out. If he asks why then just say because the light was on it kind of creeped you out because you know you turned it off. ...Although if you haven't asked him by now you may have lost your window of opportunity.

[GoingForward]

This could be nothing.

Absolutely correct! I had the same thought after logging off.

And I did ask, VERY nonchalantly. Did not accuse him of anything. When H got home, I said in a light and friendly way, "Hey, when I got home, there were lights on." H said, "Oh, I guess I forgot to shut 'em off before I went to the gym." Again in a friendly tone, "I thought you were at work?" He said he was earlier, but only for an hour then left - he didn't mention this when I talked to him beforehand. Anyway, when he got back into town, he went to buy a few things including a new cellphone (I noticed the store bag on the dining room table when I got home last night). I said, "Oh ok! <laugh> I was a little freaked out when I saw all this stuff and that the lights were on because I know I turned them off before I left!" He said, "Yeah, that was me. Sorry, babe."

So, good! It was all in my head!


Ok now, in response to Sara's post:

Communication is the key to getting along in a marriage. It's tougher if you can't get someone else to set the ground rules and teach both of you how to communicate, but you are going to have to have a talk with this man.

I understand how important communication is. That is why, for years, I always asked H if we could see someone to help us with this. Well, as the saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water....."

I know 'this man' better than anyone, including his mother, and MC, even Retro (in which I understand you said is not MC at all), is out of the question. I realize this makes working on my M more difficult, but unfortunately, it's just not going to happen, and not by my choice.

He is moving back into the home, which I assume belongs to both of you. But it has been your space for a long time, and he needs to try to understand that at a gut level he is taking over what you have felt was your space. He needs to be considerate of you while doing that and fitting back into the home.

We had this talk last night when H began to 'whine' a little again just before we went to bed. I noted that things in the house weren't/aren't exactly "perfect" or to his liking, but everything is clean, and that's what has been most important to me. H said he understands this; he even said he already knew it. He apologized and said, "I'll try to ease up, and you know that's hard for me. I don't always think before I speak."

Something we also talked about yesterday. Brutal honesty. That's the best way to describe my H. In his words, he tells it like it is, even if it's going to hurt someone's feelings. It's not his intention, but he still says what's on his mind.

I'm honest, too, but I guess the difference is I offer my opinions politely and with some consideration. Well I hope I do!

That said, everyone needs to be on their best behavior. You both need to treat each other AT LEAST AS WELL as you would treat a stranger. That is, you should both say thank you to each other, you should try to be considerate of each other and you should both avoid cursing and displaying short tempers, etc.

We both know this. Last night, H said he wants us to be more considerate of each other, be nicer to one another. I agreed of course, and we ALWAYS have thanked each other for anything and everything.

The swearing - I can control it on my part unless I experience 'sensory overload' and totally lose it . However, H has always had a potty mouth. Even when he's casually chit-chatting, he cusses here and there. That's just him.

You need to work on getting him to understand that it takes more than good intentions to get along, it takes positive actions too.

I don't believe I need to get him to understand this. He's already aware of it and DOING it.

He's done some things around the house the last couple of days, he asks me if I'd like anything while he's in the kitchen, he calls throughout the day just to say hi or talk about his day, he fixed me breakfast yesterday, and he's initiating more physical contact - kisses, hugs, holding hands. I really enjoy the hand holding. Haven't done that in a long time.


Wonderful moment of communication last night:

H mentioned that he talked to SIL yesterday after he left work. The reason behind this convo with SIL was to find out about something S12 said happened to S8 at SIL's house a while back. He said one of SIL's friends had once slapped my son because the kids were running around in an area they were told not to. Needless to say, I was burning up inside from hearing this, but I remained calm and called H after I left MIL's house to ask him if he knew anything about this. He said he remembered something but wasn't entirely sure, probably because he had had too much to drink (SIL was keeping an eye on all the kids during this party). He said he would call SIL, but he really didn't think something like that happened because this certain friend was actually a pretty nice person. Anyhow, as it turned out, nothing happened. The friend did reach for S8 to get him to stop running, but they think what happened was perhaps her hand accidentally hit his cheek when she went to reach for him. Ok, makes sense (but that better be what happened!).

Back to last night - H said he talked to SIL. He was telling me who all was over at her house........Internal panic!

I started wondering if H had gone over to SIL's house after work. Now if anyone remembers, the girl H was dating for the last year or so is a close friend of SIL's, and there was talk of her moving in with SIL. Didn't know if that had happened yet or not.

I wondered if she had been there, too, and I was beginning to feel very uneasy about it. Worried. A little scared.

So H was talking about SIL, her friends, blah blah blah. I asked, calmly, "You went over there?" He said no, he talked to SIL over the phone. He asked who was all there when he heard all the noise in the background. I nodded my head to let him know I understood.

Well I guess the panic, or maybe doubt, showed because H asked, "Why? Do you think I went there? I don't understand why you're asking." I told him I was curious and only asking.

We went to sit on the couch and watch a movie, and he asked again, "What are you thinking?"

I sat down and said very calmly, "I'm just going to say it, ok? I thought maybe you had gone to SIL's, before you said that you didn't, and I know 'the OP' (we do not say her name) is good friends with your sister. There's been talk of this person possibly moving in with SIL. It just makes me feel worried."

H calmly replied, "I didn't even think about going over there, and if I had, I would've called SIL first to make sure that person wasn't there. If she was, I would not go. Period. I don't want any part of that anymore. I want that experience out of my life, and I just want to spend the rest of my life here with you and our boys."

We were both making full eye contact during this R talk. BIG step forward.

I told H, "Thank you for this. Thank you for COMMUNICATING with me. It really makes me feel good."

H said ILY, and I told him the same.

[GoingForward]

I think you could ask him without sounding suspicious. Just ask if he came by the house before he went to work out. If he asks why then just say because the light was on it kind of creeped you out because you know you turned it off.

Wow...great minds think alike!

[karen43]

Wow, Wow, and Wow! That all sounds so great! Your H sounds like he is trying so hard, and I know you are as well, so I am so happy for you!!! Karen

[Sara]

Well, that all sounds a lot better to me. I know that a lot of DBers believe in hiding your feelings. I don't. I think it is important to let him know what is important to you. After my H's affair, I had nightmares for months about him and OW. I needed to be able to tell him of my fears, and I needed his reassurance. I believe that it is essential to the healing process. And likewise, I needed to know about the things I did that hurt his feelings. We are very poor mind-readers. It is a skill not worth honing.

[GoingForward]

Neecy, I forgot to thank you for that amazing compliment. (((Thank you!))) Not sure if that's how I truly feel inside, but I must admit that I do take pride in myself for having stuck with my sitch for this long. I know a lot of people would've probably threw in the towel a long time ago.

Thanks to you both as well, Karen and Sara.

BTW, I agree with Sara - I don't feel anyone should hide their feelings. Honesty and open communication are always best.

Personally, it takes me a few moments to put together what I want to say; unfortunately, I'm not quick on my feet when it comes to such things! When I express my thoughts and feelings to H, I want to be absolutely sure that I don't come across as controlling or placing blame.

I have to think before I speak and speak in a manner that will keep my H listening, and ultimately, understanding.

[Snow White]

GF do you think you could send me an email? My address is in my profile.

[GoingForward]

Will do.

[GoingForward]

Things continue to go well over here.

Friday after work, H and I took the kids to see "Horton". We all had a nice time, but poor H kept nodding off in the theater! Work's been tough lately. After the movie, H went to a meeting to sign up for his company softball team. He didn't say when he planned on being home that night, so around 10pm, I called to ask if he had an idea. He said he would be home around 11pm or so. Well, he didn't get back until 12:30am and didn't even call beforehand to let me know that he would be later. A little bothersome, yes, but not worth pointing out at this time. I just let it go.

Since H had the weekend off, I planned to go to my sister's house in Brentwood on Saturday. She called me Friday asking for help with painting her hall bathroom and the hallway, so I said sure, I would help. Knowing that H was going to be off, he could stay with the kids. He did, after all, say on Thursday that he wanted to do something with the boys over the weekend.

So I told H about my plans when he got home Friday night. He said that was fine, but he really wished I would stay home with him and the kids. I told him I was sorry, but my sister had been asking me to help her for the last few weeks, and with H being off from work, this would be my best opportunity to do so without having to worry about who's going to watch the boys. He said he understood but still wished I wouldn't go.

He then told me about going to his boss' house Saturday evening to watch boxing and wanted to know when I'd be back. I said I wasn't sure, but I would call my parents to see if H could drop the kids off with them early Saturday evening until I got back from my sister's house. He didn't seem too sure about that. I said, "If it'll make it easier for you, I'll call MIL and see if you can take them to her first, then she can take them to my parents' house. I'll give her 5 or 10 bucks for gas. Would you like for me to arrange that?" H said no, he could take them himself. He just wasn't looking forward to seeing my mom or stepdad yet.

Anyway, next morning, I called my parents first and asked about watching the kids that evening until I got back from Brentwood. They were fine with it. Then I called MIL and asked her if she wouldn't mind H, possibly, dropping the boys off with her and if she could take them to my parents. She said she could do it, not a problem. I told her, "Thanks, I appreciate it. (H) said he was going to take them himself, but I thought I'd ask you anyway, in case he changes his mind. I'll tell him to call you if he does."

Arrived at my sister's house, and wouldn't you know it? She changed her mind! She didn't feel like painting that day! So we spent the entire day shopping instead and both got mani/pedi's . H called me around noon and said he didn't want to have to see my parents, so he was probably just going to miss fight night......whatever ( boo hoo ).......so I told him that I had talked to MIL that morning and she was ok with H taking them to her and she would take them to my mom. He said oh cool, thanks.

H called me again around 6pm and said he just dropped the boys off at my parents' house. I thought he was going to take them to MIL's, I asked. He said no, he changed his mind, but now wished he hadn't. According to H, the atmosphere was 'cold'. He said he didn't see much of my mom, but my stepdad seemed to have given H a look of "get out of here, now". H said he had to go back to the car to get the kids' bag, and when he went back inside, everyone had already gone upstairs to the family/entertainment room. No one (my parents in particular) remained downstairs to say goodbye to him. I told him not to think too much of it. My parents rarely see me to the door either. That's just how it is, really.

(Although they do say bye to me and the kids......and as for the 'look' H says my stepdad gave him, I'm sure it was all in his head.....Didn't say this to H.)

I called H (per his request) around 8pm to let him know I was on my way home. He asked, "What time do you want me home tonight?" I was like, huh??? He asked me again, and I said it didn't matter. Whenever he wanted. All I cared about was that he was having a good time. H said, "I am, but this is important. What time would you like for me to be home by?" I thought for a moment and said, "Umm, well...I have to work tomorrow, preferably not too late, so how about 12am?" He said ok, he'd see me then. H said ILY, I said ILY, then we said goodbye.

He got home at 11:30pm, then we went to bed.

Sunday, I worked for several hours while H was with the kids again and took them to his soccer game later that afternoon. About the time that I got home, H called to tell me they were on their way home from Vallejo (he gave his friend B a ride back home). We had dinner when they arrived, then H, S12, and S8 cleaned up afterwards.

We were all pretty tired, and I think everyone was in bed by 10:30pm that night. H and I chit-chatted for awhile before... ... and then going to sleep. Ahem...I nearly forgot how well-endowed my H is!

Monday, I went grocery shopping and picked up some things H asked me to get for him. I also bought a new bike because he wants to start going out on family bike rides like we did once before. I wasn't sure which bike to get while I was at the store, so I called H and said I didn't know which to buy - the one on sale for $80 or the one for $140. He told me, "Get whichever one you want, babe. I don't care about the money. I want you to get the one that YOU want, ok? Just make sure it has gears. TTYL, I gotta get back to work. ILY." I thanked him and told him ILY, too.

Well, I wanted the pretty purple one for 80 bucks, but it didn't have as many gears as the $140 teal blue bike, so I opted for that one. It's been years since I last rode a bicycle, so I went out for about a mile and a half test-run last night. At one point, I went up a *cough, cough*..small..*cough* incline and got my a$$ kicked ! When I returned home, my feet felt like they had cinder blocks hanging from them whenever I tried to lift my legs! How embarrassing!

H was laughing at me a little but said he was very happy that I went for a ride and felt good afterwards. He pulled me close and gave me a really nice, long, deep kiss while stopping for just a moment to tell me he loved me. He also said seeing me get motivated to be more active helps to keep him motivated as well. H has always been more active than I have, but he loves to eat a lot and doesn't always stick to a healthy diet. Last night, while we were watching a movie, H kept saying over and over that he wanted that can of chicken egg noodle soup in the pantry. I told him, lovingly, no. Besides, it was for S3; he's so darn picky, and it's his favorite. Every time H brought up the soup, I told him there were fresh veggies in the fridge that he could munch on. I also picked up some nonfat yogurt, and if he'd like, I'd throw some fresh fruit in it for him. He said thanks but no thanks. He ended up eating nothing last night. After dinner, I mean.

This morning before H left for work, he asked me to pick up some more Gatorade for him. I said I would. He then gave me a big hug and kiss and said, "Thank you for not letting me cave last night. ILY so much."



Well, Easter should be interesting. It's going to be at my grandparents' house - we do this every year. There's a chance H might not have to work. We were discussing it last night, and he said, without me even asking, that he would do whatever I wanted him to do. He said if I wanted him to go with me and the boys, he would. He wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable around my family just yet, but he would still go. He seems to think that my entire family is going to hate on him, and that's just not true at all. I know H has a lot of guilt and shame to deal with, and yes, my relatives haven't been too happy about what's happened over the last few years, but I KNOW they will welcome H back with open arms. I know they will.

H said, "What if we get there and everyone's looking at me like, 'oh the jacka$$ is here'?" I said that wouldn't happen. H asked me what I thought would happen. I said, "Knowing my family, they would most likely say something like, 'Hey, (H). It's good to see you! How have you been?' There won't be any negativity around. Not from my grandparents, my sisters, nobody."

So we will see what happens. Probably won't know for sure until Thursday or Friday if H has to work or not. Either way, the boys and I are going to my grandparents. We don't get down there to visit often as it is. If H isn't working on Easter Sunday, he can either stew at home by himself or he can come with us and be welcomed back into my family. They've been waiting to show him this, too, for a long time now.

No expectations. No disappointments.

[karen43]

Sounds good GF!!! H sounds like he is really trying hard at your R! Why do you think he sounds paranoid about your family treating him badly? Has that happened before or something? Karen