Hound's Shingle Is out

[houndfan]

So today is my 8th Anniversary! Marcum, I have read your post and have every intention of offering some me thinks. But for now I am going to digress some and provide a stream of thought about what I have learned through this process in my marriage and in my life.

Most importantly I have learned that all these years my identity was tied too closely and dependently on my wife. I had tried to keep up an image and appearance rather than being me and having my own life and interests. Me thinks that the key to GAL isn't so much to "prove" that we can live without our Spouse, but more to prove to ourselves that we are relevant and have our own interests and drive.

I have learned that sometimes there is a need to allow the benefit of the doubt in my relationship. I too often have found myself questioning her motives, thoughts, or actions without the proper knowledge of the situation or her own feelings or thoughts. By not giving the benefit of the doubt, I closed off our relationship on many things. This is an important DB principle if you ask me... me thinks that the benefit of the doubt is important and we too often look too much into what is going on rather than just letting the situation mature.

I have learned that my love for my family far exceeds my need for selfish thought and desire. When the moment of truth came and I was seperated, I was crying in my new room just wanting my family back. I made so many mistakes early on, but I realized that I was driven by love and nothing else. Sometimes I read in these posts and what I see is not people driven by love but people who are too afraid of a different life that may be offered by Divorce. I am now convinced that those of us that make this move from Seperated to piecing or more have one common theme and that is the motivating factor is love. That is not to suggest that love is the only mitigating factor to R, but I think that it is important and it is obvious when people join our DB family and the fear of a D outweighs the Love of the couple.

I have learned that there is no blueprint to life, love, and marriage. As much as we think that Michelle's books are the bible each situation is unique and different. Her "guides" are great to help all of us. In addition to the coaching and the boards I was able to understand that I needed to malleable to be successful. Again success in DB'ing is critical in this area - it is not a one size fits all situation.

Finally I learned that acceptance is the key to success in any situation. I accepted one day that I would probably be divorced, I grieved it and let it consume me. Then I did something about it, I was driven by love for my wife, my boys, and my life! Far too many of us want to get back home or in our marriages, but we fail to accept that we are often closer to divorce than we are to happily married and thus are not willing to work at either!

There is no magic pill to save any marriage, but there is an approach that can help and there is always hope. As I sign off for a few days to celebrate my 8th anniversary I leave you with the thought that your best offense is defense at this point....

Accept your reality
Affirm the reasons
Give space
Have hope....

Love is a decision, and it is oft made in the heat of passion or the stress of trial, like a good dog one must sniff out the possibilities before jumping in - or out!