Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

This could be nothing.

Absolutely correct! I had the same thought after logging off.

And I did ask, VERY nonchalantly. Did not accuse him of anything. When H got home, I said in a light and friendly way, "Hey, when I got home, there were lights on." H said, "Oh, I guess I forgot to shut 'em off before I went to the gym." Again in a friendly tone, "I thought you were at work?" He said he was earlier, but only for an hour then left - he didn't mention this when I talked to him beforehand. Anyway, when he got back into town, he went to buy a few things including a new cellphone (I noticed the store bag on the dining room table when I got home last night). I said, "Oh ok! <laugh> I was a little freaked out when I saw all this stuff and that the lights were on because I know I turned them off before I left!" He said, "Yeah, that was me. Sorry, babe."

So, good! It was all in my head!


Ok now, in response to Sara's post:

Communication is the key to getting along in a marriage. It's tougher if you can't get someone else to set the ground rules and teach both of you how to communicate, but you are going to have to have a talk with this man.

I understand how important communication is. That is why, for years, I always asked H if we could see someone to help us with this. Well, as the saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water....."

I know 'this man' better than anyone, including his mother, and MC, even Retro (in which I understand you said is not MC at all), is out of the question. I realize this makes working on my M more difficult, but unfortunately, it's just not going to happen, and not by my choice.

He is moving back into the home, which I assume belongs to both of you. But it has been your space for a long time, and he needs to try to understand that at a gut level he is taking over what you have felt was your space. He needs to be considerate of you while doing that and fitting back into the home.

We had this talk last night when H began to 'whine' a little again just before we went to bed. I noted that things in the house weren't/aren't exactly "perfect" or to his liking, but everything is clean, and that's what has been most important to me. H said he understands this; he even said he already knew it. He apologized and said, "I'll try to ease up, and you know that's hard for me. I don't always think before I speak."

Something we also talked about yesterday. Brutal honesty. That's the best way to describe my H. In his words, he tells it like it is, even if it's going to hurt someone's feelings. It's not his intention, but he still says what's on his mind.

I'm honest, too, but I guess the difference is I offer my opinions politely and with some consideration. Well I hope I do!

That said, everyone needs to be on their best behavior. You both need to treat each other AT LEAST AS WELL as you would treat a stranger. That is, you should both say thank you to each other, you should try to be considerate of each other and you should both avoid cursing and displaying short tempers, etc.

We both know this. Last night, H said he wants us to be more considerate of each other, be nicer to one another. I agreed of course, and we ALWAYS have thanked each other for anything and everything.

The swearing - I can control it on my part unless I experience 'sensory overload' and totally lose it . However, H has always had a potty mouth. Even when he's casually chit-chatting, he cusses here and there. That's just him.

You need to work on getting him to understand that it takes more than good intentions to get along, it takes positive actions too.

I don't believe I need to get him to understand this. He's already aware of it and DOING it.

He's done some things around the house the last couple of days, he asks me if I'd like anything while he's in the kitchen, he calls throughout the day just to say hi or talk about his day, he fixed me breakfast yesterday, and he's initiating more physical contact - kisses, hugs, holding hands. I really enjoy the hand holding. Haven't done that in a long time.


Wonderful moment of communication last night:

H mentioned that he talked to SIL yesterday after he left work. The reason behind this convo with SIL was to find out about something S12 said happened to S8 at SIL's house a while back. He said one of SIL's friends had once slapped my son because the kids were running around in an area they were told not to. Needless to say, I was burning up inside from hearing this, but I remained calm and called H after I left MIL's house to ask him if he knew anything about this. He said he remembered something but wasn't entirely sure, probably because he had had too much to drink (SIL was keeping an eye on all the kids during this party). He said he would call SIL, but he really didn't think something like that happened because this certain friend was actually a pretty nice person. Anyhow, as it turned out, nothing happened. The friend did reach for S8 to get him to stop running, but they think what happened was perhaps her hand accidentally hit his cheek when she went to reach for him. Ok, makes sense (but that better be what happened!).

Back to last night - H said he talked to SIL. He was telling me who all was over at her house........Internal panic!

I started wondering if H had gone over to SIL's house after work. Now if anyone remembers, the girl H was dating for the last year or so is a close friend of SIL's, and there was talk of her moving in with SIL. Didn't know if that had happened yet or not.

I wondered if she had been there, too, and I was beginning to feel very uneasy about it. Worried. A little scared.

So H was talking about SIL, her friends, blah blah blah. I asked, calmly, "You went over there?" He said no, he talked to SIL over the phone. He asked who was all there when he heard all the noise in the background. I nodded my head to let him know I understood.

Well I guess the panic, or maybe doubt, showed because H asked, "Why? Do you think I went there? I don't understand why you're asking." I told him I was curious and only asking.

We went to sit on the couch and watch a movie, and he asked again, "What are you thinking?"

I sat down and said very calmly, "I'm just going to say it, ok? I thought maybe you had gone to SIL's, before you said that you didn't, and I know 'the OP' (we do not say her name) is good friends with your sister. There's been talk of this person possibly moving in with SIL. It just makes me feel worried."

H calmly replied, "I didn't even think about going over there, and if I had, I would've called SIL first to make sure that person wasn't there. If she was, I would not go. Period. I don't want any part of that anymore. I want that experience out of my life, and I just want to spend the rest of my life here with you and our boys."

We were both making full eye contact during this R talk. BIG step forward.

I told H, "Thank you for this. Thank you for COMMUNICATING with me. It really makes me feel good."

H said ILY, and I told him the same.