Not sure how to handle this

[mishka422]

H is definitely struggling but keeps asking me for help with finding therapy. I gave him 3 numbers yesterday and gave him a card for a Lay Counselor at the church where I attend Divorce Care (H doesn't know that's what my Wednesday night class is and it drives him nuts that I don't share all of my life with him). He asked again tonight about the couples counseling at my church and wanted to know if I thought it would be ok to attend that and for him to do IC at the same time. I don't see why not but I'm no expert.

Do any of you have an opinion on having IC and MC at the same time? I know H needs IC but we definitely need MC if we're going to get any healthy communication going.

I feel really bottled up. I feel like I can't risk letting any of my emotions out anywhere within H's vicinity. Tonight he had fallen asleep (seriously asleep - like snoring so loud he was going to suck the stucco of the ceiling!) and I was listening to some music - yeah, sappy love songs that made me emotional and got me crying. I was just crying softly, nothing H should have been able to hear over his snoring but I guess I sniffed a little bit and he suddenly woke up and wanted to know why I was crying. I wanted to blurt out all the reasons I was crying - I feel almost more alone right now than I did before he came home, the few days of lots of affection followed immediately by a total lack of any has me feeling open and vulnerable all over again and feeling foolish, I have always slept with my hand on him and now I feel like even though he is laying right next to me I have to hang on to the edge of the bed for dear life to make sure I don't touch him accidentally in my sleep and freak him out since he decided I'm not worthy of any consideration whatsoever.

Gee, doesn't that sound like a pitiful list. As I'm sure you can tell by the post time on this, I'm not sleeping tonight. It's too late to take Ambien and still get up in the morning and get S13 off to school, mom to dialysis, and off to work a full day (which in my job is usually more like 9-10 hours solid without a break except to pick up mom at dialysis), home to take care of everyone except me and heavens only knows what else before I fall into bed exhausted but unable to sleep.

I guess I wanted this. Why did I want this? Do I just enjoy being tortured? Maybe that is it - glutton for punishment.

I'm going to go and try to go to sleep now. I'll be praying for each of you. Please pray for some peace for me and my H. We need it really badly right now.