W called to ask about whether I had applied for a refinancing loan on the house. I had not as I did not see the point. W tried to argue that I could see about getting it refinanced from a 20-year fixed APR to a 30-year fixed and be able to pay off our outstanding debt. I told her I had already considered it and saw that neither of us could handle the monthly note on our own.
She sounded a bit disappointed but she acted like she understood -- she said if I wasn't interested, then I wasn't interested. I replied I was interested, but I know it is just not possible. I then said that I took her inquiry to mean that her own application for refinancing did not pan out. W said the monthly payment would have been too high for her to handle on her salary, but she did not see why I couldn't on my salary. I replied that I was not interested in continuing to break my back for a house we had a difficult time paying for on two people's salaries, let alone one.
W stated that we would then have to continue to get the house ready for sale, and that we would need to talk to the mediator about how to split the take. W asked whether she could go ahead and schedule another mediation session. I said to check with me before finalizing a date for the mediation session.
W then began to talk to me about our S's schedules and the parenting schedule that is evolving between us. She began to dictate to me how she saw it panning out, expecting me to either agree or disagree. I listened to her calmly, and at the end I let her know what I had been thinking.
I told her, "Even though I stated my desire to have more days during the week to spend with our S's, you keep countering with taking away time from us on the weekends. I have been thinking about your latest statements about desiring to have every other weekend now. I think this is going in the wrong direction. Instead I am making known my demand (again) for 50-50 custody. I want joint legal and physical custody. If you want every other weekend, I want to have every other week. 7 days on, 7 days off."
W seemed taken back, and she said, "How would that work?"
Me: "I would get them 7 days, and then you would get then 7 days. Rinse and repeat. We would each have them a week at a time." W: "I don't think that is going to work. It is customary for you to have every other weekend." Me: "Customary, yes. But old fashioned, don't you think?" W: "I don't care about old fashioned or new fashioned. I don't think a judge would support what you're asking." Me:"It's not up to a judge... unless you want to press it that far." W: "I don't agree with what you're asking for." Me:"Why? I am trying to remain a positive fatherly influence on our S's lives." W: "I am trying to minimize the time you have with them." Me:"On what grounds?!?" W: "A judge would say that children are better off with their mother. I think all you're interested in is increasing your time with them just to decrease your child support payment." Me: "Huh? That's not true. The fact is, I am trying to increase my time with them because of you -- to minimize their contact with you." <I now realize I was being a little petty and vindictive here in this response.> W: "What?! I am not the one who neglects them and ignores them." Me: "That was the past, when I was depressed and needed help." W: "You still do neglect them. You leave them in front of the TV and ignore them while you do your work on the computer." Me: "No, I do not. That is not true -- how would you know? Your're not there. No, you're just projecting your own hurt onto the relationship between me and my S's." W: "You are cruel and neglectful. You don't give them the attention they need..." Me: "Speak for yourself." W: "...you beat me down for 16 years, the whole time we've been married. You never thought anything good of me, always looked down on me. That's why I cannot ever be with you. That's why I have had to get away from you." Me: " That's not true. You're again projecting your own insecurities onto me..." W: "That's your opinion! You're not God! You don't know everything..." Me: "No, I'm not. Neither are you." W: "Of course not! I am not the one who is standing in judgment of the other, acting like you know everything." Me: "No? It sure sounds like you've prejudged me, having written me off entirely."
The conversation devolved even further after that point. W began ranting about our R and how terrible I was for so many years. And how I am a terrible father for neglecting my family. She even accused me of being responsible for my depression, that it was no excuse and was my own fault.
I just couldn't bring myself to allowing her accusations go unchallenged. I just don't know how to DB and allow her at the same time to cut me down, to show such utter contempt and disrespect for me.
I caught myself and tried to bring levity to the situation. I made a sincere apology for my faults and failures and for neglecting her in our M, even though that really never meant I did not love her and the kids. I was lost myself and am trying to find my way back, but it was so difficult in the face of all this hostility from the one person you swore to love the most, above all others.
And then I realized she had already hung up on me. She must have vented her rage and, before I could respond completely, she had hung up, missing my apology and appeal to a gentler exchange.
Sadly, I think that is a metaphor for our entire R. She gets to vent her anger at me but she then runs away when I try to give her my own feedback. (And then she has the audacity to say I never talk to her -- and then calls that "neglect".)
