I said can't get an apartment w/you the way things are now...he said then maybe we can get you and apartment. I said oh b/c you aren't planning to change?? He acted all flustered and said that isn't what he meant, that I just said I didn't want us to get an apartment so he offered to get me one....I said obviously I would prefer things changed instead!
Not a real good exchange here. As a guy, I hate this kind of exchange, where something I say is twisted around. If I were in your husband's shoes I would have preferred, "thanks for the offer" or "let me give it some thought", to what essentially was a dig.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just checking really quick... Your "plan" sounds good. Watch your interactions with him, I know I've said it before but IMO he needs to realise the consequences of his actions and so far you have made it all very easy for him.
Thanks for the support everyone, but I think I screwed the pooch today. Kalni, that means messed everything up big time.
Don't know for sure what happened to start it off. Church group last night was pretty good. All about tough love, setting boundaries and limitations on people who hurt you, etc. Bought the book "Bold Love" per recommendation of pastor. Talks about how being a loving Christian (anyone, though, really) does NOT equal being nice all the time, you have to have standards, etc. Talked about types of "sinners"--don't get uncomfortable it says we are all sinners in one way or another, it just classified those who try their best to be "good people" and those who hurt others repeatedly.
Anyway under adulterers it said those who cheat, esp. those who have done it more than once, rarely respond to mild interventions. Basically it said they are not beyond redemption, but it basically takes the wounded spouse calling for separation or divorce to get their heart to soften to the point they are willing to work on their problems...
So you can guess what I did...I thought about it all night and this morning. Had a typical exchange w/H this morning where we started out upbeat and good and then I made a M-related comment. Dumb! Oh well. He got crabby, missed the exit he was looking for (he was driving when I called) and blamed me for him being lost, etc. Didn't have time to talk to me about this, etc. etc. Same old same old. Said he was tired of the same conversations.
Decided I was too. Spent the morning writing a 6 page letter (I am shadowing another teacher and today was her last day so she did the work b/c she wanted to be with her kids for the last time) to H. It actually was not a bad letter. As you saw from the e-mail exchange last week we are in better control of our thoughts writing than talking. It is something I wanted to do w/MC but we don't have one anymore till H finds one w/new insurance. Bullet points of letter were:
1)You are right I DO send mixed messages. I tell you give me space but at the same time want you to chase after me and show me that you don't want to lose me, sorry that is wrong of me to do.
2)I have spent the last 9 months fighting desperately for our marriage trying to figure out what the problems were so we could fix them, you saw it as nagging but I was honestly trying to sort things out which I couldn't do without all the information.
3)I have been on rollercoaster since Nov (when I found him w/OW). Sometimes so flirty & outgoing b/c I want you to see how we CAN be together, GOOD! And we have been good together many times. Alternately I lash out at you due to the betrayal, and fact that while I am fighting so hard for us you have continued to lie, cheat, avoid dealing w/our relationship. This makes progress impossible and I know in turn I have been unpredictable in my behavior towards you.
4)If you honestly didn't now if we could be together I at least wanted you to WANT to TRY and work on things to find out. For me, you, and the kids. I don't use the kids against you even if you think I do, I am just honestly worried about them growing up in 2 homes.
5)I have been trying so hard b/c I have had dreams and goals since we got married about growing together through a lifetime, raising our kids, etc. and don't want to abandon that dream. I know we can continue to do things as a family but it won't be the same as being together as a family.
6)You often say it shouldn't be this hard. Marriage however does require hard work, perseverance, etc. The difference is that the load is not as heavy when two carry it together. I think our M has become too hard b/c we aren't working on it as a team and haven't acted as a team for so long. I always wanted to draw close to my H and work together in tough times but those are exactly the times you have pulled away. When you are weak I try to handle your load for you but you don't want help. When I do want help you don't allow me to lean on you....
7)Finally, to protect myself emotionally and spiritually, this vicious cycle has to end. I am making that choice now. With all my heart I still love you and want to be married to you but I cannot do this any more. The harder I try the less you do. So I am going to stop fighting it. When I move to Iowa we will be getting separate apartments but with the house to sell I know it will be awhile before we can do that (get apartments). We will need to talk soon re. getting some kind of legal separation of finances and figuring out visitation for the kids, also need to discuss when/how to tell them and our family. I don't know how to be your wife anymore when you show no desire to be my husband. Let's work together to continue creating positive memories for the kids regardless of our situation.
SOOOOO, that pretty much chucked my marriage in the dumpster. I said I can't be your wife anymore, I can't live with things the way they are anymore, etc. And that is all true. But it sucks. I just want him to have that epiphany like Ebeneezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol where he realizes he has been doing all the wrong things and makes the right changes.....but that isn't going to happen around here from the looks of it...
And it is too painful to keep trying all by myself. I know you guys say just lovingly detach, take time out for you, but I suck at doing it right. I don't want to spend the next 12 months flirting w/my husband while we live in separate homes. I also don't want to tuck the kids in bed at our home together a year from now, and then when H goes out for a beer, know he is with some other woman again....
Maybe I made the biggest mistake ever. But I don't know what else to do at this point....
Don't be hard on yourself. You did what you felt was right. I also believe (from my limited perspective) that you had to do this. He isn't getting the message and absent a 2x4 to the head wasn't going to anytime soon.
Well, Mr. Head meet Mr. 2x4.
I only wish you didn't have to go through this pain. I wish I (or we) could make the pain go away.
Right now it needs to be all about BBJ and your kids.
you'll be fine. I just know it. You went ahead and did what you probably felt a brave/crazy move today. I hope you realise, that the most important thing is to do what you feel is right for you and the kids (and him in the end) and I believe it was the right thing to do.
I am a bit worried you are trying to shake him up expecting that he will have a change of heart immediately. It would not surprise me if he did actually. But for him to finally get it IMO you must "support" your decision. I am pretty sure he wants to change things, he is just weak. You are giving him the motive, he must find the strength.
Do not judge what you did already saying you messed up. Stick to what you said if you believe it's the correct thing to do and let him think of what he wants in his life (which is your family I am sure of it).
Love K
Hang on. I am so tired I can't think in English. Sorry, I hope I make sense
Anyway under adulterers it said those who cheat, esp. those who have done it more than once, rarely respond to mild interventions. Basically it said they are not beyond redemption, but it basically takes the wounded spouse calling for separation or divorce to get their heart to soften to the point they are willing to work on their problems...
Michelle mentions something similar as the final last resort technique where it does indeed require one to file for a D as the thing to force the awakening, but she warns that it can backfire.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
SOOOOO, that pretty much chucked my marriage in the dumpster. I said I can't be your wife anymore, I can't live with things the way they are anymore, etc. And that is all true. But it sucks.
I dont think you have chucked anything just yet. You just feel you have done all you can and now you have decided to set some boundaries for Iowa. We all have our limits and breaking points. I somehow dont feel that BobbiJo is done with her M.
Only you can decide when all hope is lost in restoring your M to a happy one. You also need to picture how your life would be post D. All I have read from you indicates a strong and smart lady that should have no problem picking up the pieces and moving on with her life. But you still love your H and all you have built together in life. I have to tell you that you have many more months of confusiong and uncertainty ahead - lets just hope that with the support you get here and through your church that you will get through it and be a happy and content BobbiJo.
SOOOOO, that pretty much chucked my marriage in the dumpster
No you didn't. What you wrote was fine.
When you've been here awhile you get to see a lot and you also stop thinking of your own situation and actually seeing what's happening in other people's situations. I'll freely admit that I make tons of mistakes in my marriage. I lost my wife, got her back, and now that she's back I still make some of the same old mistakes. I think that's because during the time of trying to get your marriage on track, you push your own wants and needs onto the back burner and focus just on your spouses needs. Then, when things are good, you both have needs that war with each other and you're willing to stand up for yours. But, that's beside the point, I was just trying to say that I've seen a lot of situations on here, and what you did doesn't even begin to kill hope of reconciliation.
So, look at the guys that are on here. Why are they here? It's because there wife doesn't want them anymore and they want to reconcile. Yes, there's love and regrets, but there is also a certain amount of wanting what you can't have. And look at how much effort is made to win the spouse back. You, he can have if he just says the right words (and he isn't sure he even wants to do that yet...why should he...he can always get you back later). But what if his faith in getting you back is shaken? What if he isn't so sure? That's all your e-mail did, and it really wasn't even that strongly worded. You still said, "I love you", and you used the words "right now", implying you just need a little healing time. Honestly BobbiJo, the guys a cheater, might cheat on you again, so how great a catch is he? Shouldn't he be trying to win you back, rather than the other way around? Keep that in mind and it may give you the strength to keep him at arms length so he actually makes the effort to chase.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I mean, I am extremely disappointed in how things stand, but I feel better knowing you guys supported my decision today. Woog, thanks for saying my H needed a 2 x 4. Kalni, thanks for saying you agree with my decision. Kerry, thanks for saying that Michele's book recommends a similar toughness in these situations; even though you said it could backfire, at this point I felt out of other options.
JustMe, you give me my own dose of Tough Love these days, which I need. You are right, I wasn't that overbearing. I didn't say I will hate you till the day I die, you are a terrible father, I could never imagine going anywhere near you again, etc. I just told him that I was tired of fighting for someone who wasn't fighting for me...and that is entirely true. You are right when I look at it logically, he should be on those proverbial hands and knees for me, with all he has done to hurt me over the years. And he isn't because I have never expected or required real repentance/change from him. A few loving words and promises and I was ready to believe him b/c I wanted my H back, my M back....
You guys are all so helpful! I am glad I have this board...
On a related note, my mom called this afternoon. Seems MIL called her today to say how glad she is I got the job. MIL said that H has called a realtor (he mentioned that part to me yesterday) and has her looking for a townhouse for US, as a family.....Of course MIL doesn't know today's developments but it is ironic that H is looking for a place for US to live in. Either he is planning to make changes or just assumes I will move in with him the way things are right now. Well at this point he has gotten my letter via. e-mail (I sent it at 1:00), so he should know better by now.
At first I got a scary twinge in my gut when mom said he was looking for a house for US. I thought, great, and then I blew it by writing my letter. But I took some time to think, and if he still wants to live w/me, and he read my letter, then he knows he needs to make some changes. My letter couldn't have "blown" it if he sincerely wants me in his life....
