I want to thank you for what you said in my thread. I truly appreciate it. I try to consider everyone's advice and suggestions. I try to be friends with everyone that visits me on my thread, whether I agree with them or not......I think it should be left up to me. However, I went down this same road with (name withheld) several months ago and he is still saying the same thing. and in the beginning he really pushed too hard. He would often ask questions that I had to stop and think over before I responded. If I had to wait to think about how to answer one of his questions, he got very impatient with me. Anyway, I've had it. I think he is tired of me and is ready to chose another "victim" to rescue.
Anyway, enough of that, let's get to your stitch.
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When we were reconciling last time W still avoided contact with me at night time. In fact in that period between the 2 A's I think we only ML twice, but I must have begged a thousand times. The negative thought that comes into my head (cos I must process it) is that she never really let go of OM until now, so for 2 years we were just going through the motions of reconciling. (Sigh).
I think it is very hard for a W to go directly from one man's bed to her H's. Grant it there are exceptions! I feel that your W knew what was the right thing to do, so she did it....both times, after the A's. But, she is struggling with her feelings catching up with her actions. I agree that she may still be trying to get over the OM. I know that must be so hard for the LBS to accept. I wished it were not that way. From what I have read, when the W & OM have a big fight and she finally sees what she left for him....the story could be different. However, I gather from most of what I've read here on the board that it take time to get through that grieving process and it is very hard for her to have sex with you right now.
To you, you think, "If she loves me, why would it be hard to have sex with me?" But, we females are just wired differently from the male and that is one reason for all these post here on the board. I would like to give you a hint here about us women.....don't "beg" for the sex. It has a "turn-off" affect on us.
I hope you can give her that closeness she needs and the laughter....that is a wonderful thing if you can do that. I truly believe that it will lead to the intimacy that you crave. You two have come a long ways. So, just keep hanging in here.
Thanks for being my friend Lan.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can't thank you enough for coming to my aid when I had no clue what was going on or how to behave in my sitch, so for that I'll always be grateful.
Reconciling this time seems different, I can see it in W's actions (although she not saying anything), my actions are also different. I'm not begging W for sex, or trying to ambush her at 6am in the morning. I'm more relaxed, than last time and she is likewise. We've got in to a nice evening routine where we spent time together and she enjoys my company and the little chats we have at lights I even manage to make her laugh which is good. We're not having sex but she is seeking me out for a good night hug.
The only mention W has made to me about OM was (12/12/07) when I told her we were through cos I had had enough of her behaviour. W admitted she was with OM the previous weekend but the encounter was a disaster, the A was over, it had run it's course, she had pursued him, but it was all done with. But she added that she didn't really want to speak about it anymore. So we've left it at that. I've not pushed for answers or R talk in that direction. I just have to take her word that the A is done. As a friend said to me if she is keeping OM as her plan B, then I always have to make sure that me as plan A is always the better option.
I can't do much more than that, but as you say we have come a long way since this all started.
When I moved out of our house while W was involved in her A I moved in with my sister who has 4 grown up daughters, two of whom are still at home with her. During that time all of them got to know of my marital situation.
Anyway of one my nieces is having a 2nd birthday party for her daughter and has invited me, W and D6. I told W about the invite but she just said there's no point in her going cos no one (sister or nieces) will talk to her. That's not strictly true but I don't think W can see beyond how she has hurt me, and how she perceives she will be view by my family. She has it in her head that anyone in my family whose knows about our sitch will be against her. Actually added to that list will be my Mom who W told me at Christmas that she didn't like her and SIL who W used to confide in until I explained to SIL that I hadn't walked out on my family. (W told her I had to try and cover up the A).
Anyway me and D6 will be going to the party cos we went last year (so did W).
Lanzo, Not sure if there was a question or a request for advice in that last post. The family thing can be difficult. I know I said too much to some of my family about what was going on in our S. I was looking for advice and support, but in hindsight you end up with difficult situations like this.
Since you are posting in this forum, I take it that your W is on the same page as you (or almost) that you both want to fix the M. Part of this will also include repairing relations with the in-laws. Maybe this is just too soon, but I would encourage your W to attend the party. It seems like it would be a non-confrontational situation where your family could see that your W is with you, committed to the marriage and willing to make amends with your family.
In my last post I was just journaling and putting down some thoughts. I know the best thing would be for W to attend this kiddies party with me, and really face up to things cos it's not just my family she's avoiding. It's also her brother and his wife cos as I mentioned earlier they just didn't believe her when she said I had walked on her. Since they spoke to me she's just avoided them
So really there a healing process that W needs to go through with both families and I need to be there to support and guide her.I just don't think she feels ready for it yet.
Look all these people that have ill feelings just need to understand this is what you want. You want this to work. You want to stay married. You want your wife to be happy with the Lan she chose.
Shes ready. She just does not know it yet.
Your job is to squash all the ill feelings she thinks she is gonna get.
Your family, your friends will respect who you are. You have to make sure they understand you want your wife there. Even stretch it she wants to be there!
Nothing more attractive than a man standing up for what he wants.
What do you want?
Are you going to be a protector?
Are you going to be a provider?
Are you gonna spray INSLY all over everyone involved?
Golden opp here.
Eat some crow.
Be by her side. Always present.
Isn't that what she has always wanted?
Ask yourself this question.. Where would the OM be?
My response would be.. Be the OM that can't be replaced by Another Man.
My new catch phrase... Do Work!!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
FG knows what he is talking about. If I were in her shoes, nothing would feel as great, and exciting and as "I did the right choice" than have you there for me, potecting, providing, standing up, etc etc. I would "be all over" (I don't know if used correctly) MY MAN for doing that for me...
I'm not sure if you have read the situation right, I want to go to the party, I want W to go to the party with me, and my family want W to go to the party. If W and I turned up together no one will make an issue of anything, and we would stand together man and wife, but she doesn't see it that way.
I told her of the invite and she immediately said and I quote " There is no point in me going because no one will talk to me".
So what do I do, make an issue of it with W ? Do I go round my family and get a pledge from everyone to be nice to her. If I do then that's making a big thing over nothing. It's just a party for a 2 year old.
It's things like this where I feel W and I should talk to make sure we are on the same page, but her way of moving forward is to try to pick up from where we were before the A and not really talk about anything. I think I've expressed doubts about that way before.
Anyway I'm not going to make a big issue of it but I'm going to tell we I think she should attend the party with me.
Is there any point in proposing that you all "pop" into the party to say "Hi" & leave gift etc and say to W that if she senses anything uncomfortable then you can leave for some other pre-arranged commitment. If, on the other hand, she feels ok then you can stay.
That way you are validating her feelings - as groundless as they might be, while also making a stand in terms of your intentions with your family.
Best GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
At this moment in time W is not going to the party, and she let me know this in no uncertain terms, so I had to cut short our phone conversation cos it was getting a bit heated.
I will try your suggestion of asking W if we can just pop into the party for a short while, but if she's not happy with that then I'm just gonna drop the subject.
