Hello Mr. MLC part deux!!

[mymonkeybug]

Well here it is a new day. The day after yesterday when H told me he spoke with a L and has indeed started the paperwork to proceed with legal seperation. My mind is a swirling torrent of thoughts and emotions.

I want to go on this trip and never come home and I think he is worried I will stay away with the kids because he even asked me that yesterday, "Are you bringing my kids home?" He explained that that was just as silly a question as me asking him yesterday if he was doing drugs. To which I told him that I can't imagine knowing him for almost 20 years and who he really is deep in his soul that there could be any other explanation for such out of character behavoir from him.

I want to lash out and get mean and ugly and fight until I bleed but then I also want to curl into a ball and let him win because my emotions have been beaten to hell these last 3 months and yesterday was just like day one all over again. Hell all the digestive upset came back and I think the LBS diet will be starting again...lol. See there is still some of me in here somewhere, the humor that always gets me smiling.

I thought I was accepting the emotions and the roller coaster ride and it felt like I could get my emotins back in check rather well and quickly then this yesterday. Yes, I know it is only paper, paper I haven't even gotten yet but...

I believe knowing him as I do that he is pissed about the income tax return issue. Heck that could come around to bite me in the behind I suppose but he was informed by me that I needed it to pay the mortgage since his pay tanked so badly. I also think he is trying to force the sale of the house now because with his current pay the house is really honestly the only thing he CAN pay for along with a utility or 2. He is in major panic mode.

I told him yesterday that had he simply come to me before leaving and told me he really knew he could no longer provide this life for us and simply couldn't handle the mortgage payment and the hour to hour and twenty minute drive each way for work anymore and that something had to give or he would bail we would have worked this out and I would have willingly sold the house and down sized and moved back closer to his work because saving our family should have been the only priority for us but that he denied me the opportunity to know how he really felt and thus the chance to help fix it all. That is at least how it looks from my side of the fence I told him.

Thanks everyone for reading and listening, the support from here is one of the things that keeps me going.