Letter from WAW after she flew to my city for talk

[GH31]

Hi guys,

For those of you who don't know me I will give you a brief recap. Wife of three years left on 28.01.2008 because I had a very short temper and if I'm honest was occasionally verbally abusive. Also a few selfishness issues there due to being somewhat abandoned as a kid which made my wife sometimes feel like she wasn't number 1 in my life. I had been an absolute jerk and she was right to leave.

Since this day I have been working extremely hard to conquer my anger and replace it with love and compassion, and to get rid of this selfish island mentality. I have also been DBing my butt off. The difference between now and then is great. I am only 31 and plan on being alive at least another 60 years, and I want them to be awesome years. I most definitely don't want to hurt someone else that I love in the future. I want the person I love in the future to be the lovely, wonderful girl that I married 3 years ago.

Since the separation she has become involved with OM whom she likes but doesn't "love" (at least not yet). We live in different countries and she has said she still loves me but is anxious about giving us another chance.

Anyway, my wife decided to come to Germany from England 2 days ago so that we could have an indepth chat. I was very pleasant, cordial and did not ask any questions about her new life or OM. Since DBing I have got rid of my hot-headedness and become very composed, measured and unflappable. These changes I will keep permanent no matter what.

I helped her with some tax matters then we went out for coffee. After coffee she brought up OR and I could tell that she was emotional so I kissed her, and she kissed back. Then we played some games of pool and after I beat her I playfully went to shake her hand and she just grabbed me and kissed me very passionately. She told me she "doesn't want to be without me", that it's "inevitable that we'll get back together", that it's "destiny" and that I am very much "one of the family". She expressed alarm at the thought of me having babies with another woman, hates the fact that I'm behaving like a man who is "moving on" rather than "trying to win her back". She is aware that I have been going on dates.

This all sounds good but here is the problem that I have. She went back to England and is still involved with the OM. In fact, she is going to France with him and one of his colleagues for a trip in the next few weeks. She said she "can't reconcile in the next few weeks" because of this trip. She is also very reluctant to end it with him and "let him down" because he has done "everything right" and been "really good to her". Essentially, the problem is that her words are entirely inconsistent with her actions and I have a big problem taking her words seriously. I just cannot. We should believe none of what we hear and 50% of what we see right??

She also sent me this email yesterday:

Hi,
When I came to visit you yesterday, it was for two reasons. 1) To do my tax return and 2) to tell you I don't feel upset with you anymore. I wanted to spend the day with you to see how we interact with one another. I wanted you to do and say all the things that would tempt me to come home. I wanted you to make me feel loved and wanted.

We had a nice day.

When I was at the airport, I was disappointed that you didn't say anything wonderful to me before we parted company.

When I was on the plane I started crying because you spent the night with another girl when I advised you against it. You are not acting like a man trying to win his wife back, but easily moving on. If the situation was reverse I would NEVER want to be with anyone else, I would be trying to win you back.

This has been a test and you failed. I would never expect you to start fooling around with other girls, I want you to sort things out with me.

I want you to cancel your date with the other girl on Saturday and not to date anyone else. I am so upset.

I want to have a new start and I'm waiting to see what happens with you job applications.

I have never wanted us to break up permanently. I just want you to change and now you are messing everything up.

I've cried lots this morning, I feel so sad. I don't want you to be with anyone other than me.

Lately I've been thinking about all our good times together. How I always use to watch you go off and eagerly waiting your return. I use to enjoy watching you through the window walking down the street.

I don't want to abandon our plans, our future. We have always made a great team.

This email sounds wonderful, but her actions are entirely inconsistent with its content. I want to believe her but I am really angry as I write this: it seems so hypocritical that what is perfectly OK for her is not OK for me in her mind. I don't want to be with anyone else but her, but life has to go on - as heartbreaking as it is. I don't like the fact that she went off with another guy but I understand that it was my behaviour which led to this outcome. She has admitted that she shouldn't have jumped into another relationship so quickly, but it's done now. I think she's panicking because the situation that she thought she had under control has taken on a life of it's own.

I haven't responded to this email of hers because I feel so mad and do not want to say anything I later regret. Anything I email to her I want it to take me closer to the goal, and not further from it. I want to genuinely communicate with her from a position of love, compassion and caring but cannot find it in me this morning.

I would be extremely grateful for any experienced DBers to offer some pointers as to how best respond. I love my wife dearly but am not prepared to share her with anyone else if she wants to "work things out". I signed a marriage certificate which said "to the exclusion of all others" and I meant it.