Long and Winding road

[soxfan2007]

My last thread locked so I'm starting my second here in piecing.

Things are going OK I guess. Improving in some areas, and still the same in others.

I'm up to my armpits in papers to grade though.

I'll be back.

[jersting]

Hey Sox, how's it going? I see that it seems to be status quo. Hang in there, it will all work out and be good for you one way or another.

[soxfan2007]

Not too bad lately.

Although, I still have an empty feeling, like things aren't quite complete- not quite mad it to happy yet. I'm great at work (both jobs) and then I get home and I sink- as if I"m just waiting for him to put me down or make an off comment.

Maybe I'm just waiting for "that feeling" of OKness, and it's just not there yet.

I don't know. It probably sounds weird.

[Trip]

Hi Sox.

How would be acting if things were OKAY like you would like them to be? What would you be saying or doing for this to be happening?

[soxfan2007]

Don't know. I guess I would feel more relaxed and happy. I would be able to say what I wanted without fear of being put down.

I guess it all boils down to more trust still.

[Trip]

Hmmm. Maybe. When you have spoke your mind recently, has he put you down? How did you respond in turn?

Is there a different way of responding back to him that you haven't tried?

How is everything else going for you? Still crazy busy?

[sgctxok]

Hey sox...would you ALSO like to help someone with a solution journal?

[jersting]

My love seems to have failed.

[sgctxok]

you doing alright?

[soxfan2007]

I'm on Spring break, so I've been away from the site for a while.

I'd love to help with a solution journal, although right now I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and wouldn't be much help.

I figured it out on the way home today. I was trying to think of a way to talk to H about things differently and playing things out in my head. I kept coming back with the same old responses from him. In the past he would suggest I needed meds and say that I was depressed- which looking back on things I probably was- but the week after he moved out, I was a different person- and a month later my C told me I would be nuts to think I needed meds. But now I feel like that old me again- where if I bring up things, H will suggest meds again, so it got me thinking---- does his behavior cause a depressive reaction in me. Probably.

I can't focus, I can't stay organized, I can't seem to get things done anymore, I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and like a headless chicken everyday--- DESPITE having less things to do and "his help" on other things. How does that make sense?

When he moved out and I had the kids 1/2 the time alone, I still worked 2 jobs (better at both than now too), kept a clean and organized house, saved money and competed a master's degree.

Now he's back, he "helps" with the laundery and the dishes, I'm done with my masters, and yet I can't keep appointments straight, the house is amess and I feel like crap.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

So, not sure how I'm doing, but I'm ready to tell H that I am done living like this. That it doesn't help when he empties the dishwasher and then I have to spend 20 minutes looking for the chopper. Or when he does laundry and my clothes end up missing (3 shirts and I have no socks), or when he folds clothes so now I have to spend time ironing out creases in clothes that should have been hung and refolding my other clothes to fit in the drawers or giving D the clothes of mine he shrinks (so now I have to spend more money and buy new clothes with time I don't have). How does that help? I don't know. I waste so much time now redoing what he does that I can't do what i need to do. It would have been easier and faster for me to do it all in the first place- but then he gets mad because I do it all and he wants to help.

Well, I'm reading to tell him to stop helping. But how the hell do I do that when he thinks he's helping?????????????

But I do know I can't go on like this again.